is this all we get to be absolute? (the fray)

It's amazing how songs and artists and albums can speak into your life during different seasons. They are more than just soundtracks to our lives, the notes and the words speak Truth into the situations we are dealing with, often enlightening us and showing us hidden and deeper meanings to the life we live.

Often I'll buy an album and give it a cursory "listen-to," only to set it aside for weeks, months, or even years. Then I stumble across it randomly and it goes from being forgotten to being integral to my thoughts, my car rides, and my heart. Some albums that have done this for me the past few years are Good Monsters, The Fray, A Hundred Million Suns, Begin to Hope, Plans.

I'm sure there are more. These have been some of the most impacting, though. And I learn. They help me progress, or reflect, or just enjoy. Begin to Hope reminded me that life is bittersweet, but it always ends on a sweet note. Nothing that happens is irrevocable, and we can always begin to hope. And life is rich, as indicated by Regina's strong, beautiful vocals. The Fray was on repeat for me last summer. When I listen to it I am taken back to laying out by the pool, driving around College Station in the sunshine, walking to class everyday, and training. Their honest lyrics spoke to me as I learned to trust that love is real, and that it's something I'll experience someday, despite the pain and heartache that I've experienced and may experience again.

Today I discovered an album that I had not given much thought to. It's Jars of Clay, "The Long Fall Back to Earth." I have re-discovered today, just how much God loves me. It's so much. I pray that whatever it takes, every single one of my friends and family know this. Sometimes it takes a fall to realize, and sometimes it takes silence - not knowing what God is doing or how His plan will carry out.

Just know this, and let it sink in - there's nothing you can do to make Him love you more, and nothing you can do to make Him love you less. One of the songs on the album, "Boys (Lesson One)" says,

There will be liars and thieves who take from you
Not to undermine the consequence
But you are not what you do
And when you need it most
I have a hundred reasons why I love you

God speaks to me through music; let Him speak to you however He must. But listen. And learn. And grow. And heal.

And if you want to spend a day in my shoes, listen to these albums...I know them by heart.


i can't force change.

The more I live and the more I see, the more I realize the absolute certainty of certain things, such as...

1. leaving food in my car is never a good idea
2. doing laundry is one of the most annoying things in the world
3. working out makes me hyper afterwards...?
4. no matter how opinionated I am about the new healthcare policies being made in this country, I'm still just a girl in College Station, TX...Obama and his administration have no idea who I am
5. I will miss Amanda Scott until the day she sets foot back on American soil
6. no matter how hard I try, I can't change people

This last one is the hardest for me to accept. Partly because I like fixing things and solving problems, and so if I think that I have a solution, I want to share it. But not just share it. It's like how much I love Dave Matthews or peanut butter m&ms. When I introduce people to either of these things, I want to share my love and knowledge of them, but I also want the other person to then love them as much as I do. This is just not reasonable. As much as I know that these two things are good for you, you have to try them and then decide for yourself that you're going to love them as much as I do. This goes for anything, including advice.

Usually people don't ask for advice. Often when they're stuck in a situation they don't realize it, or they can't swallow their pride to ask for help. About a month ago I was asked, however, by someone close to me, to share my thoughts and views on their situation. I humbly and tactfully shared what I saw the problem to be, and then the solution. It was almost as if I was speaking a different language. I think my words were heard, but I can't make someone understand and enjoy Dave Matthews. I can't change people.

I think this saddens me the most because I want what's best for people. I hurt for people who aren't free from their fears and insecurities. I hurt for people who have become bitter and choose not to love. Everything in me wants to change their situation, change their mindsets, change their hearts. But I can't. I feel helpless as I watch them. All we can do is pray, but I often forget how powerful that is. God changes people everyday...why wouldn't I trust these things with Him?

I don't understand how God works all the time. My heart longs for instant restoration, but so often God waits...and waits. I can only trust that in this waiting, He is changing people - He is moving knowledge from our heads to our hearts so that we can live and be free. Waiting for this change in myself and other people is hard, but I have confidence that the waiting is not just idle time.



I'm a couple weeks late in bringing in the new year on here. I feel like I'm a couple weeks late in reality as well. It just hasn't hit me that this is 2010. I feel as if I'm kind of in a dream. I've had a lot on my mind; I'll blame it on that.

As for the business side of things in this new decade, I'm still working up at Central Baptist Church as an intern/Girls Associate. I still love the job, my co-workers, and all of the students that I've grown so close with. I'm not sure I'm cut out for or "called" to work with a church the rest of my life, but God has definitely blessed my time here, and I'm looking forward to another semester. I have a new job in the medical field, working as a Physical Therapy Technician. I take patients through their exercises, do ultrasounds on them, massage them, and do the occasional load of laundry. I love it. I don't ever feel like I'm working. I absolutely enjoy every minute I get to spend with the patients. I think God has given me a special love and special grace even for the difficult ones, and I feel like He is getting to bless them through me. Also, since my love language is physical touch, giving people massages has been such a joy and blessing for me. I know that sounds crazy, especially when sometimes dealing with hairy backs and smelly feet, but I truly love every second of those massages. I got an interview at Baylor P.A. school! I'll be going this coming Thursday and Friday. So say a prayer for me that God will give me wisdom and direction, as well as the staff interviewing me.

This is one of the first years that I haven't sat down and written out New Year's Resolutions. I keep putting them off, and now I'm starting to wonder if that says something about me this year...I feel like I don't want to write anything down. I feel very in between things, in a lot of ways. With school, with friends, with life, with locations, etc. It's hard for me to think ahead when there are so many directions ahead of me. It's like my next foot forward determines the path I take, and there are so many paths branching out from me right now.

I think part of it, too, is that I have in my mind the path that I want, but it's not time to take a step yet. So I do think 2010 is on hold for me. I'm standing in place, waiting for the next signal to go forward. This interview on Thursday will bring some answers in that aspect. But still, in everything, I'm just waiting. I know I'm not, but it feels like I'm in between years. I'll let you know when 2010 hits my time zone.