here comes the sun.

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket --safe, dark, motionless, airless-- it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell."

C.S. Lewis wrote this in his book The Four Loves. I believe every word of it. I have felt every word of it. It is a scary thing to reach out and love the unlovable around you. It's a scary leap to leave safety for the first time and take your heart out of it's carefully kept casket. You expect to be rewarded by your risk, and so you take your heart out and throw it to the world, hoping and waiting for cheers, reciprocated tenderness, affection, or even kind words. Shockingly your heart comes back, hanging its head, dragging its feet, covered in blisters, worn out by the heat it received from the ones it was trying so desperately to love.

Jesus said to His disciples, "If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you." (John 15:18-19) The world is who Jesus commanded us to love. Love your neighbors. Love your enemies. Turn the other cheek.

Battered and bruised. Is it even worth it? I find myself asking this lately, is my broken heart worth it? I have loved and felt pain because I loved and gave myself to people around me, and yet I don't think I've even tapped into the deep, deep wells of what love really is. All I did was raise the stakes in my poker game, because I put a part of me out there. Instead of playing for cheap coins, I "bet" my heart, so to speak. I gave the world something that is vital to my life, integral to my existence.

My head says it's worth it. My bleeding heart still fights the urge of self-preservation. John 16:33 says, "In this world, you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." Psalm 34:18 says, "The Lord is near to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

Christ showed us how to love. He died on the cross. He experienced God turning His back on His only son. He bore the weight of all our sins. His followers denied Him, mocked Him, spit on Him. And He loved.

I hope my heart is never whole. That may seem contrary to popular belief, but God's heart isn't whole, at least not in the sense that we think it is...He gives it to all of us, every minute of the day. His heart is complete. His heart is full. His heart has the Spirit. His heart is perfect. But He gave us His heart and His love when He gave us His son. And we are to live like Him.

I pray that I would not be afraid to unlock the casket of my heart and let it bring life and love to those around me. I hope that I learn to love enough that my heart wears out and blisters and tears until the pain is so great only my Savior can stitch it back up. My heart will be whole when it knows the pain of being given away, has felt the needle of repair, and then is called back into duty, even though the wounds haven't completely healed.

The Beatles didn't see the wisdom in their song, but I see it and have felt it. I fear more that I may lock my heart up, never to see the sun/Son again.

So, broken hearts, "Here comes the Son, it's all right...."


dream, little darling, dream. (dmb)

"Of the things that followed I cannot at all say whether they were what men call real or what men call dream. And for all I can tell, the only difference is that what many see we call a real thing, and what only one sees we call a dream. But things that many see may have no taste or moment in them at all, and the things that are shown only to one may be spears and water-spouts of truth from the very depth of truth." (C.S. Lewis)

Elizabeth Cady Stanton gave a speech titled "The Solitude of Self," in which she stated, "Nature never repeats herself, and the possibilities of one human soul will never be found in another." She spoke on the fact that every person is alone in his/her mind. There is no one (except God) that can see and feel and understand the inner workings of my mind. So there is nothing earthly for me to connect to on all levels. There is nothing that will fully know and understand my thoughts, my mind, my heart, on the same level that I do, and that God does. This gives Psalm 139 so much more meaning and potency:

"O Lord, you have searched me and you know me...you perceive my thoughts from afar...you are familiar with all my ways..."

There is no one who will know me like He does. No one.

So our thoughts, our dreams - are they real? If no one else understands them, or even sees them, what are they? "...spears and water-spouts of truth from the very depth of truth." Sometimes I believe that my dreams are more real than anything that many men see.

Psalm 139 ends with this: "See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." David asks God to search his heart, search his thoughts, his dreams, and see if there is any offensive way in him. He then asks God to lead him in the way everlasting. I believe God leads us in our hearts and dreams before we ever act. He leads us in the secret places that no one else sees, and then He trusts us to take the step in the direction that He has planted in our hearts.

Isaiah 30:21 says, "Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, 'This is the Way; walk in it.'" God, lead us in the way everlasting.

Don't be discouraged if you feel alone in your thoughts and dreams. You see, when those dreams become real, you get to share them. It's just the beginning stages, when the dream is born in your heart, and slowly forming and taking shape, that you feel alone with your thoughts. But be sure to listen, for your God is whispering tender and powerful words to fuel the fire that your loves and desires will become. And tread bodly and carefully...in the way everlasting.

I'll end with these song lyrics that spoke to my heart. I feel like I'm walking under the stars all the time, asking God to know me, and to love me like no one else can. Only He can lavish all good things upon me.

Dream(Priscilla Ahn)
"Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park, I asked God who I'm supposed to be.
The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie. I said a prayer and fell asleep.

I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest tree.
I had a dream."


making room.

Well it's been a month since I've written. I don't usually go this long intentionally, but I was challenged by a friend who told me that I should try putting to practice some of the things I write about. So I did. I took a step back from philosophizing and seeking out new Truths, and looked at the Truth I had already been gathering and piling up in little neat piles all around me.

It was revealing. Some Truth is hard to swallow. It's a lot easier to discover something, set it aside, and go start hunting new treasure, especially if what you've found is not pretty. I think it's beneficial to dust off what we find, study it a little closer, and see what value it has, not just in itself, but in how it reflects God.

This isn't my avenue to list out the things that I've done differently in this month of working with the wisdom and Truth that I already have. What I'm doing isn't as important as that I'm doing them. I think that goes for all of us. As long as what we do lines up with Truth, the important thing is that we're doing it. It's easy to hear the Word and God's Truth...a lot harder to examine it and do what it says.

James 2...."22Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. 23Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror 24and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. 25But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it—he will be blessed in what he does."

Dave Matthews has a song called the Raven, and in it he says, "You never know it all, the ground beneath is nothing more than your point of view." It's true. If you don't move around, you don't see new things in new ways. And you don't change. And you don't move forward. And if you aren't moving forward, you're stuck in the places you've been...and frankly, I don't want to stay in those places.

So thank you, friend, for telling me to do what I say. And thank you Jesus for always doing what you say. I uncovered a lot of wisdom that had been collecting dust this past month. I sorted through a few boxes, and threw some away...for good.

And guess what. I made some room.