Open my mouth to drink the life -
To sip on this cup you have brought me -
To gulp down what's inside -
To fill my gasping lungs until their feeble attempts at breath are drowned out,
Until my feeble attempts at living cease and desist.
I swallow and my soul feeds off of the richness you have brought with this water turned to wine...
To wine.
I expected less, but with each swallow it burns an unforgettable impression -
A thousand years is not enough.
A thousand years.
So celebrate we will - the taste, the sweetness, the joy.
My cup overflows and the last drop is unimaginable,
Until my eyelids lift and spot the empty cup.
A dream has surpassed my imagination, crowding out reality in favor of insanity -
For love.
A smile wisps on the corners of my mouth and I close my mind to the world in favor of my dream.
A thousand years is not enough.
inspired by Dave Matthews Band's "Two Step"
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
5.02.2010
2.08.2010
truth in disguise: dear john
I began a series of related posts last semester titled "truth in disguise," documenting the various and unlikely places in which I discover and learn Truth. Here are the first two if you missed them.
truth in disguise: my favorite song
truth in disguise: my president is black
This weekend I went and saw the highly anticipated film, "Dear John," based off the novel by Nicholas Sparks. Sparks has made his reputation known for writing overly dramatic and romantic stories that leave readers and viewers in tears or some other extreme on the spectrum of human emotions. I actually went and saw the movie by myself, not in a sad "I don't have anyone to see this with" sort of way. Others in the theater may have thought that, though, seeing me walk in alone with my popcorn and drink, staring up at a dozen or so couples scattered throughout the theater. It's hard enough looking for a seat in a movie; try finding one that's equidistant in every direction from enamored and infatuated movie-goers, who may or may not have been there to actually watch the movie. I pressed on, found a seat, and plopped myself down with my popcorn and drink to enjoy the movie.
You would think that I could just enjoy something for what it is, instead of learning from it. That's what I am, though. I'm a learner. Not even Nicholas Sparks can distract me from it. It wasn't what I expected. The movie actually had me guessing, which is pretty remarkable for a "chick flick." Savannah and John met and fell in love, promising each other to write while he was stationed in Germany. The turning point of the movie is when Savannah sends John a letter saying she is engaged to marry another man. John immediately burns all evidence of their relationship, very hurt by her actions and lack of explanation. It's shocking because she has been so sincere in her love for him. I found myself not believing that she actually married someone else. The audience and John are left not knowing who she married for a while, and without the visual evidence, I was thinking that perhaps she had lied about it for some unknown reason. She loved John, no question about it. This news was just a plot twist that would reveal itself in the end. With this news, John was forced to restore his relationship with his dad. Savannah and his dad were all he had, and when he lost her, he went to his father and made things right with him.
John went and visited Savannah after his father's death, and discovered that the man she had married was Tim, a long-time friend who had an autistic son. Tim had been diagnosed with cancer while John was serving in the army overseas, and soon realized that it was terminal. He asked Savannah to marry him, not only because he truly loved her, but also because he needed someone to take care of him and his son. He needed to know that his son would have someone to take care of him when he died. Savannah saw that need, and filled it. She married Tim, taking care of him and his son, and ensuring that his son would be provided for later in life. She hadn't explained herself to John, because she knew that her heart would have wavered and gone back to him, and she would not have been able to do what she knew she needed to do.
One of my best friends also saw the movie. She loves movies, but even more, she loves happy endings. She often hates movies that I love, and vice versa. I don't mind sad endings, as long as something was learned or accomplished (it's the learner in me...it never sleeps). A greater good is always worth it in my mind. Well, she very passionately told me how selfish she thought Savannah was and how she didn't understand what she was doing half the time and how she didn't like her at all. I'm going to have to disagree. I think she was the most unselfish person of all. She gave up her hopes and dreams and love for John for something that was in front of her at the moment. She was waiting for John, but Tim and his son needed her then. She could have refused them and waited years for John, but she didn't. She weighed the cost of hurting John, and leaving Tim and his son in their time of greatest need, and she chose the need in front of her.
She didn't choose the option that was the most romantic or glamorous. She ended up hurting John, but she also ended up sending him to his dying father who needed his son's love. She still loved John, and it was clear that she had never stopped loving him, but she put aside her feelings for her mission. Can't we all learn from this? So often I let my hopes and desires get in the way of my mission. But my Heavenly father knows what I need (Matthew 6:32). And He sees my heart.
John saw her selflessness and anonymously donated money to help Tim live at home until he died. And he waited for her. And when Tim died, John was still there - no bitterness. He saw that her decision had been the right one for her at the time, even if it hurt him for a short season in his life. God sees our hearts. He knows the desires we have, and He will fulfill them at the appointed time. It's our job to be obedient no matter what, though. Even if our obedience makes us forsake our desires for a time. He is faithful. He sees my heart and He is always good.
truth in disguise: my favorite song
truth in disguise: my president is black
This weekend I went and saw the highly anticipated film, "Dear John," based off the novel by Nicholas Sparks. Sparks has made his reputation known for writing overly dramatic and romantic stories that leave readers and viewers in tears or some other extreme on the spectrum of human emotions. I actually went and saw the movie by myself, not in a sad "I don't have anyone to see this with" sort of way. Others in the theater may have thought that, though, seeing me walk in alone with my popcorn and drink, staring up at a dozen or so couples scattered throughout the theater. It's hard enough looking for a seat in a movie; try finding one that's equidistant in every direction from enamored and infatuated movie-goers, who may or may not have been there to actually watch the movie. I pressed on, found a seat, and plopped myself down with my popcorn and drink to enjoy the movie.
You would think that I could just enjoy something for what it is, instead of learning from it. That's what I am, though. I'm a learner. Not even Nicholas Sparks can distract me from it. It wasn't what I expected. The movie actually had me guessing, which is pretty remarkable for a "chick flick." Savannah and John met and fell in love, promising each other to write while he was stationed in Germany. The turning point of the movie is when Savannah sends John a letter saying she is engaged to marry another man. John immediately burns all evidence of their relationship, very hurt by her actions and lack of explanation. It's shocking because she has been so sincere in her love for him. I found myself not believing that she actually married someone else. The audience and John are left not knowing who she married for a while, and without the visual evidence, I was thinking that perhaps she had lied about it for some unknown reason. She loved John, no question about it. This news was just a plot twist that would reveal itself in the end. With this news, John was forced to restore his relationship with his dad. Savannah and his dad were all he had, and when he lost her, he went to his father and made things right with him.
John went and visited Savannah after his father's death, and discovered that the man she had married was Tim, a long-time friend who had an autistic son. Tim had been diagnosed with cancer while John was serving in the army overseas, and soon realized that it was terminal. He asked Savannah to marry him, not only because he truly loved her, but also because he needed someone to take care of him and his son. He needed to know that his son would have someone to take care of him when he died. Savannah saw that need, and filled it. She married Tim, taking care of him and his son, and ensuring that his son would be provided for later in life. She hadn't explained herself to John, because she knew that her heart would have wavered and gone back to him, and she would not have been able to do what she knew she needed to do.
One of my best friends also saw the movie. She loves movies, but even more, she loves happy endings. She often hates movies that I love, and vice versa. I don't mind sad endings, as long as something was learned or accomplished (it's the learner in me...it never sleeps). A greater good is always worth it in my mind. Well, she very passionately told me how selfish she thought Savannah was and how she didn't understand what she was doing half the time and how she didn't like her at all. I'm going to have to disagree. I think she was the most unselfish person of all. She gave up her hopes and dreams and love for John for something that was in front of her at the moment. She was waiting for John, but Tim and his son needed her then. She could have refused them and waited years for John, but she didn't. She weighed the cost of hurting John, and leaving Tim and his son in their time of greatest need, and she chose the need in front of her.
She didn't choose the option that was the most romantic or glamorous. She ended up hurting John, but she also ended up sending him to his dying father who needed his son's love. She still loved John, and it was clear that she had never stopped loving him, but she put aside her feelings for her mission. Can't we all learn from this? So often I let my hopes and desires get in the way of my mission. But my Heavenly father knows what I need (Matthew 6:32). And He sees my heart.
John saw her selflessness and anonymously donated money to help Tim live at home until he died. And he waited for her. And when Tim died, John was still there - no bitterness. He saw that her decision had been the right one for her at the time, even if it hurt him for a short season in his life. God sees our hearts. He knows the desires we have, and He will fulfill them at the appointed time. It's our job to be obedient no matter what, though. Even if our obedience makes us forsake our desires for a time. He is faithful. He sees my heart and He is always good.
2.01.2010
10 things not like marathon training.
Think of this as a bunch of negated metaphors. Marathon training didn't result in a marathon this year (due to a sequence of unplanned events), but it enlightened me to some truths nonetheless.
1. Marathon training is not like a walk in the park. Pretty self-explanatory. I thought I'd start simple.
2. Marathon training is not like food poisoning, or a sudden onslaught of a vicious virus. Those things are more like the actual marathon itself, I would imagine. Intensity thrown in your face all at once, not a long, arduous and slow climb to a peak where you're supposed to find that "runner's high." I'll let you guess if I found it.
3. Marathon training is not like having a job. In training, you can substitute days if you're not feeling up to it. For example, if I'm supposed to run 10 miles today, and have tomorrow off, I can take today off and then run 10 miles tomorrow, and then add an extra day off the day after that. 2 off days for one. That just doesn't work in real life.
4. Marathon training is not like raising children. Not that I've done this, but I'm privileged to watch friends do this. When I'm done with training for the day, I don't like to think about it for 24 hours until I have to do it again. Try doing that with children. Actually, please don't.
5. Marathon training is not like finishing an entire pizza by yourself. Are you kidding me? Training is hard. Finishing off a pizza is easy. Not just easy, a delight. Training may have enabled me to do this, however...
6. Marathon training is not like baking cookies. There's only one ingredient to a marathon - running. Lots of it.
7. Marathon training is not like grocery shopping. Oh wait. Yes it is. Here's proof that's so poignantly expressed by my dear friend Renee in her recent post.
8. Marathon training is not like studying for a test. When studying for a test, you take the test, and then walk away from the event, leaving all the information behind in the desk you so laboriously sat in while stressfully taking the exam. Or maybe that was just me. Regardless, there is no way anyone could forget marathon training. It leaves an impression - mentally, physically, emotionally, and even spiritually.
9. Marathon training is not rocket science. It doesn't take a genius to run.
10. Marathon training is not like falling in love. This last one hits home with me, because for so long I've thought that finding "the one" was going to take some work. My dear mother has always gently scolded me, saying that when it happened, I would just know. Well, last time I checked, "just knowing" didn't take the 18 weeks it takes to get ready for a marathon. So this is something I'm not working for anymore. Not working for, not looking for, and not wasting time waiting for, either. It will find me, I'm sure. And when I know, I'll know, and anxiously waiting will take the same amount of time and space as not anxiously waiting.
Besides, I don't have time for all that, I've got marathons to train for :).
1. Marathon training is not like a walk in the park. Pretty self-explanatory. I thought I'd start simple.
2. Marathon training is not like food poisoning, or a sudden onslaught of a vicious virus. Those things are more like the actual marathon itself, I would imagine. Intensity thrown in your face all at once, not a long, arduous and slow climb to a peak where you're supposed to find that "runner's high." I'll let you guess if I found it.
3. Marathon training is not like having a job. In training, you can substitute days if you're not feeling up to it. For example, if I'm supposed to run 10 miles today, and have tomorrow off, I can take today off and then run 10 miles tomorrow, and then add an extra day off the day after that. 2 off days for one. That just doesn't work in real life.
4. Marathon training is not like raising children. Not that I've done this, but I'm privileged to watch friends do this. When I'm done with training for the day, I don't like to think about it for 24 hours until I have to do it again. Try doing that with children. Actually, please don't.
5. Marathon training is not like finishing an entire pizza by yourself. Are you kidding me? Training is hard. Finishing off a pizza is easy. Not just easy, a delight. Training may have enabled me to do this, however...
6. Marathon training is not like baking cookies. There's only one ingredient to a marathon - running. Lots of it.
7. Marathon training is not like grocery shopping. Oh wait. Yes it is. Here's proof that's so poignantly expressed by my dear friend Renee in her recent post.
8. Marathon training is not like studying for a test. When studying for a test, you take the test, and then walk away from the event, leaving all the information behind in the desk you so laboriously sat in while stressfully taking the exam. Or maybe that was just me. Regardless, there is no way anyone could forget marathon training. It leaves an impression - mentally, physically, emotionally, and even spiritually.
9. Marathon training is not rocket science. It doesn't take a genius to run.
10. Marathon training is not like falling in love. This last one hits home with me, because for so long I've thought that finding "the one" was going to take some work. My dear mother has always gently scolded me, saying that when it happened, I would just know. Well, last time I checked, "just knowing" didn't take the 18 weeks it takes to get ready for a marathon. So this is something I'm not working for anymore. Not working for, not looking for, and not wasting time waiting for, either. It will find me, I'm sure. And when I know, I'll know, and anxiously waiting will take the same amount of time and space as not anxiously waiting.
Besides, I don't have time for all that, I've got marathons to train for :).
12.30.2009
the end.
This year is about to end. 2009 will kick it, and 2010 will be here before we can even say goodbye.
It's been a good year, I'd say. It's had its ups and downs for sure...they all do. I think I grew up this year, though. Maybe. I'm starting to wonder if we grow up more every year. There must be a lot of room for growth then because we are never grown up if we are always growing up. I'll try not to get discouraged. I guess grown ups are no fun anyways.
I thought about doing a year in review and going through some old things I'd written, picking and choosing my favorites. I've already shared those things, though. I realized that a more accurate reflection of my year would be to share something that I wrote but never posted...because I was too scared that people wouldn't understand it or wouldn't see what I was saying, or they would think it was too abstract.
Well here goes. I wrote this at the beginning of summer '09.
"When it happens what do you say? Do you look around you for the words, or find them hiding behind you, creeping like the past? Or do you glance ahead into the darkness of uncertainty and fumble around for a sentence that makes sense? It's a haze that wasn't self-induced, and it clouds the vessels surrounding your heart as you try to beat out a rhythm that rhymes. And as the blood puddles, leaving your severed arteries, you cry, and you search the recesses of your mind for one glimmer of light to give meaning to the sound coming out of your mouth. Who do you love? Who fills your mind as your body empties out onto the ground? Breathe your last few breaths and feel the oxygen burn your lungs, and as you gasp, find the strength to say that name. But what if your speech doesn't echo back, and your wayward voice is lost in the canyons that give no return for what they took from you. What if the wind forgets the author when it carries the message? The message falls on deaf ears, and no answer comes. The darkness taunts, "Pick a new name." But what if there is none. What if that was the only one. Please, God, no. Help me find a new name."
This image came to me when I was thinking about people being on their death beds (morbid? just bear with me). You always see in the movies where someone is dying and they ask for one person. They may be in the room. They may have to be found. Sometimes they haven't spoken to this person in years. But for some reason, this one person comes to their heart as they lie there dying. Love. They love this person. Their love is so strong that no matter what grievances they share, in their desperation, they cry out for that one person to comfort them as they die.
I would say that everyone has that person, that name, that they would ask for. And of course, in the movies, that person who was called comes running to the bedside, restitution is made, kisses are shared, and the person dies in peace. What struck me, though, were the times that I know someone has called out for their love, but that love was not returned. What if you were dying and the only name their heart wanted didn't want them back? Who else could they call for? Maybe no one.
This idea scares me more than anything else, I think. I don't want to leave this feeling depressed, though, because I am not. And I haven't been. It just makes me think. It has made me trust God more and more. We may not have tomorrow. We may not have tonight. But we're never really alone, even if we think we are. He is with us more than we'll ever know. But also, it has made me cherish the people around me - the people who I don't know if I'll see again tomorrow, because we never know. It's the simple things in life we need to learn to be thankful for. The little things.
Dave Matthews says, "Take these chances, place them in a box until quieter times, lights down you up and die."
I'm gonna take these chances and cherish this life and the people I love. I am so so blessed.
It's been a good year, I'd say. It's had its ups and downs for sure...they all do. I think I grew up this year, though. Maybe. I'm starting to wonder if we grow up more every year. There must be a lot of room for growth then because we are never grown up if we are always growing up. I'll try not to get discouraged. I guess grown ups are no fun anyways.
I thought about doing a year in review and going through some old things I'd written, picking and choosing my favorites. I've already shared those things, though. I realized that a more accurate reflection of my year would be to share something that I wrote but never posted...because I was too scared that people wouldn't understand it or wouldn't see what I was saying, or they would think it was too abstract.
Well here goes. I wrote this at the beginning of summer '09.
"When it happens what do you say? Do you look around you for the words, or find them hiding behind you, creeping like the past? Or do you glance ahead into the darkness of uncertainty and fumble around for a sentence that makes sense? It's a haze that wasn't self-induced, and it clouds the vessels surrounding your heart as you try to beat out a rhythm that rhymes. And as the blood puddles, leaving your severed arteries, you cry, and you search the recesses of your mind for one glimmer of light to give meaning to the sound coming out of your mouth. Who do you love? Who fills your mind as your body empties out onto the ground? Breathe your last few breaths and feel the oxygen burn your lungs, and as you gasp, find the strength to say that name. But what if your speech doesn't echo back, and your wayward voice is lost in the canyons that give no return for what they took from you. What if the wind forgets the author when it carries the message? The message falls on deaf ears, and no answer comes. The darkness taunts, "Pick a new name." But what if there is none. What if that was the only one. Please, God, no. Help me find a new name."
This image came to me when I was thinking about people being on their death beds (morbid? just bear with me). You always see in the movies where someone is dying and they ask for one person. They may be in the room. They may have to be found. Sometimes they haven't spoken to this person in years. But for some reason, this one person comes to their heart as they lie there dying. Love. They love this person. Their love is so strong that no matter what grievances they share, in their desperation, they cry out for that one person to comfort them as they die.
I would say that everyone has that person, that name, that they would ask for. And of course, in the movies, that person who was called comes running to the bedside, restitution is made, kisses are shared, and the person dies in peace. What struck me, though, were the times that I know someone has called out for their love, but that love was not returned. What if you were dying and the only name their heart wanted didn't want them back? Who else could they call for? Maybe no one.
This idea scares me more than anything else, I think. I don't want to leave this feeling depressed, though, because I am not. And I haven't been. It just makes me think. It has made me trust God more and more. We may not have tomorrow. We may not have tonight. But we're never really alone, even if we think we are. He is with us more than we'll ever know. But also, it has made me cherish the people around me - the people who I don't know if I'll see again tomorrow, because we never know. It's the simple things in life we need to learn to be thankful for. The little things.
Dave Matthews says, "Take these chances, place them in a box until quieter times, lights down you up and die."
I'm gonna take these chances and cherish this life and the people I love. I am so so blessed.
10.15.2009
truth in disguise: my favorite song.
I love finding truth in unlikely places. It reminds me of how big God truly is, and how He was here before me and will be here after me. There's a missions poster in my office that reads "Take Jesus to China." I disagree. Jesus is already in China, we should take the knowledge of Him and deeper understanding to China. Jesus is everywhere and in everything, even in places and situations that He seems hidden or even absent.
Unfortunately, this world is full of evil as well. "Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." (1 Peter 5:8) But the presence of evil and deception does not necessarily mean the absence of Truth. Jesus permeates all aspects of life - the religious and the secular. We see this with Joseph in Genesis 50:20 when his brothers sold him into slavery: "As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result..."
All this being said, I'm going to start recording the curious and sometimes strange places from which I glean Truth. It will be my "truth in disguise" collection or series or whatever you would like to call it. The purpose of my findings are not to display theologically sound arguments, because most of the artifacts I find will probably be heretical. The purpose is to see God's Truth everywhere, and to see Jesus working in all things, because He does.
I thought it fitting to begin with my favorite song: Bartender by Dave Matthews Band. I love Dave Matthews. I don't just like him and his music, I love them. (Here's why if you're wondering, posted as a comment to my friend Sarah's wonderful blog.) I love his music for many reasons, and this song is just one of them. I've included the lyrics below and the title is a link to the actual song if you're interested in listening; I highly recommend it.
I love this song because it is raw. It's a gritty picture of a man desperate for love in his life, desiring fondness from his brother, respect from his sister, guidance and discipline from his mother, and answers from his father. It's even more beautiful because the music sings this longing in the deep bass and soulful chords. He talks about how he longs for the wine that set Jesus free. I see this "wine" as a metaphor for life that "set Jesus free after three days in the ground." C.H. Spurgeon describes wine in Scripture as "the symbol of the richest earthly joy." This song speaks of a longing for freedom and rich joy in the best way Dave knows how to talk about it - wine, a rich, earthly joy. And yet it is clear that in the song, he realizes what many do not, that if we seek the wrong things to find freedom, we will surely die. He talks about longing the same wine that "strung Judas from the tree." He begins the song asking the bartender to fill his glass, and progresses by telling the bartender to look and see the "wine that's drinking me." That thing which originally was sought to bring life has turned into something that is controlling and confining him, ultimately to the point of death.
What a beautiful picture of a lost soul, blindly struggling and reaching for something he cannot see and does not know and yet is placing all of his hope in for a chance at freedom and life. I love this picture, because even believers can relate to the longing we have in our souls to be right with Jesus. Paul says in Romans 7:15, "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." The difference for us, however, is that we know the solution. We know that the "wine" that brings freedom is Jesus Christ. "Your love is better than wine." (Song of Solomon 1:2) His love is better than _______ (insert anything).
I hope that if you've never heard this song, you'll give it a shot. If you have heard it, I hope that when you listen to it now, you'll see Jesus in it. That's what He wants us to do, after all, see Him in everything.
Bartender
If I go
Before I'm old
Oh, brother of mine
Please don't forget me if I go
Bartender, please
Fill my glass for me
With the wine you gave Jesus that set him free
After three days in the ground
Oh, and if I die
Before my time
Oh, sweet sister of mine
Please don't regret me if I die
Bartender, please
Fill my glass for me
With the wine you gave Jesus that set him free
After three days in the ground
Bartender, please
Fill my glass for me
With the wine you gave Jesus that set him free
After three days in the ground
I'm on bended knees, I pray
Bartender, please
When I was young, I didn't think about it
Now I can't get it out of my mind
I'm on bended knees
Father, please
Oh, and if all this gold
Should steal my soul away
Oh, sweet mother of mine
Please redirect me if this gold
Bartender, you see
The wine that's drinking me
came from the vine that strung Judas from the Devil's tree
His roots deep, deep in the ground
Bartender, you see
The wine that's drinking me
came from the vine that strung Judas from the Devil's tree
his roots deep, deep in the ground,in the ground
I'm on bended knees
Oh, Bartender, please
I'm on bended knees
Father, please
When I was young, I never dreamed about it
Now I just want to run and die
I'm on bended knees
Oh, Bartender, please
Bartender, please
Unfortunately, this world is full of evil as well. "Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." (1 Peter 5:8) But the presence of evil and deception does not necessarily mean the absence of Truth. Jesus permeates all aspects of life - the religious and the secular. We see this with Joseph in Genesis 50:20 when his brothers sold him into slavery: "As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result..."
All this being said, I'm going to start recording the curious and sometimes strange places from which I glean Truth. It will be my "truth in disguise" collection or series or whatever you would like to call it. The purpose of my findings are not to display theologically sound arguments, because most of the artifacts I find will probably be heretical. The purpose is to see God's Truth everywhere, and to see Jesus working in all things, because He does.
I thought it fitting to begin with my favorite song: Bartender by Dave Matthews Band. I love Dave Matthews. I don't just like him and his music, I love them. (Here's why if you're wondering, posted as a comment to my friend Sarah's wonderful blog.) I love his music for many reasons, and this song is just one of them. I've included the lyrics below and the title is a link to the actual song if you're interested in listening; I highly recommend it.
I love this song because it is raw. It's a gritty picture of a man desperate for love in his life, desiring fondness from his brother, respect from his sister, guidance and discipline from his mother, and answers from his father. It's even more beautiful because the music sings this longing in the deep bass and soulful chords. He talks about how he longs for the wine that set Jesus free. I see this "wine" as a metaphor for life that "set Jesus free after three days in the ground." C.H. Spurgeon describes wine in Scripture as "the symbol of the richest earthly joy." This song speaks of a longing for freedom and rich joy in the best way Dave knows how to talk about it - wine, a rich, earthly joy. And yet it is clear that in the song, he realizes what many do not, that if we seek the wrong things to find freedom, we will surely die. He talks about longing the same wine that "strung Judas from the tree." He begins the song asking the bartender to fill his glass, and progresses by telling the bartender to look and see the "wine that's drinking me." That thing which originally was sought to bring life has turned into something that is controlling and confining him, ultimately to the point of death.
What a beautiful picture of a lost soul, blindly struggling and reaching for something he cannot see and does not know and yet is placing all of his hope in for a chance at freedom and life. I love this picture, because even believers can relate to the longing we have in our souls to be right with Jesus. Paul says in Romans 7:15, "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." The difference for us, however, is that we know the solution. We know that the "wine" that brings freedom is Jesus Christ. "Your love is better than wine." (Song of Solomon 1:2) His love is better than _______ (insert anything).
I hope that if you've never heard this song, you'll give it a shot. If you have heard it, I hope that when you listen to it now, you'll see Jesus in it. That's what He wants us to do, after all, see Him in everything.
Bartender
If I go
Before I'm old
Oh, brother of mine
Please don't forget me if I go
Bartender, please
Fill my glass for me
With the wine you gave Jesus that set him free
After three days in the ground
Oh, and if I die
Before my time
Oh, sweet sister of mine
Please don't regret me if I die
Bartender, please
Fill my glass for me
With the wine you gave Jesus that set him free
After three days in the ground
Bartender, please
Fill my glass for me
With the wine you gave Jesus that set him free
After three days in the ground
I'm on bended knees, I pray
Bartender, please
When I was young, I didn't think about it
Now I can't get it out of my mind
I'm on bended knees
Father, please
Oh, and if all this gold
Should steal my soul away
Oh, sweet mother of mine
Please redirect me if this gold
Bartender, you see
The wine that's drinking me
came from the vine that strung Judas from the Devil's tree
His roots deep, deep in the ground
Bartender, you see
The wine that's drinking me
came from the vine that strung Judas from the Devil's tree
his roots deep, deep in the ground,in the ground
I'm on bended knees
Oh, Bartender, please
I'm on bended knees
Father, please
When I was young, I never dreamed about it
Now I just want to run and die
I'm on bended knees
Oh, Bartender, please
Bartender, please
10.06.2009
skeletons.
I'm learning so many things right now that I feel overwhelmed as I come to write! I don't know where to begin, and my thoughts are hardly organized. So these are the skeletons of what I see happening and what God is teaching me.
...the greatest freedom comes from grace and firm, hard discipline...
...the freedom that we have (mentioned above) enables us not to dance close to sin, but it does enable and encourage us to dance close to sinners...
...the Holy Spirit is alive and well in me, or He should be at least, and that provides power in my life; so am I living in such a way that requires the power of the Holy Spirit...
...do I move the heart of God, because scripture says that I can...
...if I talk about what I love, why am I silent when it comes to sharing Jesus with strangers...
These are all things moving around my brain. I expect to go through them one by one in detail. I'd love to hear input on these topics, or if you have one that you'd like to hear my thoughts on first, let me know.
...the greatest freedom comes from grace and firm, hard discipline...
...the freedom that we have (mentioned above) enables us not to dance close to sin, but it does enable and encourage us to dance close to sinners...
...the Holy Spirit is alive and well in me, or He should be at least, and that provides power in my life; so am I living in such a way that requires the power of the Holy Spirit...
...do I move the heart of God, because scripture says that I can...
...if I talk about what I love, why am I silent when it comes to sharing Jesus with strangers...
These are all things moving around my brain. I expect to go through them one by one in detail. I'd love to hear input on these topics, or if you have one that you'd like to hear my thoughts on first, let me know.
4.18.2009
here comes the sun.
"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket --safe, dark, motionless, airless-- it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell."
C.S. Lewis wrote this in his book The Four Loves. I believe every word of it. I have felt every word of it. It is a scary thing to reach out and love the unlovable around you. It's a scary leap to leave safety for the first time and take your heart out of it's carefully kept casket. You expect to be rewarded by your risk, and so you take your heart out and throw it to the world, hoping and waiting for cheers, reciprocated tenderness, affection, or even kind words. Shockingly your heart comes back, hanging its head, dragging its feet, covered in blisters, worn out by the heat it received from the ones it was trying so desperately to love.
Jesus said to His disciples, "If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you." (John 15:18-19) The world is who Jesus commanded us to love. Love your neighbors. Love your enemies. Turn the other cheek.
Battered and bruised. Is it even worth it? I find myself asking this lately, is my broken heart worth it? I have loved and felt pain because I loved and gave myself to people around me, and yet I don't think I've even tapped into the deep, deep wells of what love really is. All I did was raise the stakes in my poker game, because I put a part of me out there. Instead of playing for cheap coins, I "bet" my heart, so to speak. I gave the world something that is vital to my life, integral to my existence.
My head says it's worth it. My bleeding heart still fights the urge of self-preservation. John 16:33 says, "In this world, you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." Psalm 34:18 says, "The Lord is near to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
Christ showed us how to love. He died on the cross. He experienced God turning His back on His only son. He bore the weight of all our sins. His followers denied Him, mocked Him, spit on Him. And He loved.
I hope my heart is never whole. That may seem contrary to popular belief, but God's heart isn't whole, at least not in the sense that we think it is...He gives it to all of us, every minute of the day. His heart is complete. His heart is full. His heart has the Spirit. His heart is perfect. But He gave us His heart and His love when He gave us His son. And we are to live like Him.
I pray that I would not be afraid to unlock the casket of my heart and let it bring life and love to those around me. I hope that I learn to love enough that my heart wears out and blisters and tears until the pain is so great only my Savior can stitch it back up. My heart will be whole when it knows the pain of being given away, has felt the needle of repair, and then is called back into duty, even though the wounds haven't completely healed.
The Beatles didn't see the wisdom in their song, but I see it and have felt it. I fear more that I may lock my heart up, never to see the sun/Son again.
So, broken hearts, "Here comes the Son, it's all right...."
C.S. Lewis wrote this in his book The Four Loves. I believe every word of it. I have felt every word of it. It is a scary thing to reach out and love the unlovable around you. It's a scary leap to leave safety for the first time and take your heart out of it's carefully kept casket. You expect to be rewarded by your risk, and so you take your heart out and throw it to the world, hoping and waiting for cheers, reciprocated tenderness, affection, or even kind words. Shockingly your heart comes back, hanging its head, dragging its feet, covered in blisters, worn out by the heat it received from the ones it was trying so desperately to love.
Jesus said to His disciples, "If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you." (John 15:18-19) The world is who Jesus commanded us to love. Love your neighbors. Love your enemies. Turn the other cheek.
Battered and bruised. Is it even worth it? I find myself asking this lately, is my broken heart worth it? I have loved and felt pain because I loved and gave myself to people around me, and yet I don't think I've even tapped into the deep, deep wells of what love really is. All I did was raise the stakes in my poker game, because I put a part of me out there. Instead of playing for cheap coins, I "bet" my heart, so to speak. I gave the world something that is vital to my life, integral to my existence.
My head says it's worth it. My bleeding heart still fights the urge of self-preservation. John 16:33 says, "In this world, you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." Psalm 34:18 says, "The Lord is near to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
Christ showed us how to love. He died on the cross. He experienced God turning His back on His only son. He bore the weight of all our sins. His followers denied Him, mocked Him, spit on Him. And He loved.
I hope my heart is never whole. That may seem contrary to popular belief, but God's heart isn't whole, at least not in the sense that we think it is...He gives it to all of us, every minute of the day. His heart is complete. His heart is full. His heart has the Spirit. His heart is perfect. But He gave us His heart and His love when He gave us His son. And we are to live like Him.
I pray that I would not be afraid to unlock the casket of my heart and let it bring life and love to those around me. I hope that I learn to love enough that my heart wears out and blisters and tears until the pain is so great only my Savior can stitch it back up. My heart will be whole when it knows the pain of being given away, has felt the needle of repair, and then is called back into duty, even though the wounds haven't completely healed.
The Beatles didn't see the wisdom in their song, but I see it and have felt it. I fear more that I may lock my heart up, never to see the sun/Son again.
So, broken hearts, "Here comes the Son, it's all right...."
8.05.2008
love.liberty.disco.
love.
I've been thinking a lot about God for the past year or so....about who He is, how we interact with Him, how we see Him, and how He sees us. These thoughts were spurred on by watching people around me, and seeing how so many people live life so differently. In particular, how so many Christians live and enact their faith differently day-to-day.
I love hearing people talk about how they see God, because they often see Him differently than I do....everyone has a unique perspective. Everyone I meet seems to love Him in a new way that I haven't seen before. It's like my brother and I - we both love our parents, but we show them in different ways, and we live out our relationships with them differently. I don't know what Ben would do if he was confined to showing love by grocery shopping with my Mom, and by cooking with my Dad.
Ben and I are in the same family, but our identities and roles in that family are different, and look different. We would never expect them to look the same, and to ask us to do that would be unreasonable and unrealistic.
liberty.
In expressing our love differently for one another, we experience freedom. I am at liberty to love my family in the ways I do it best. I am at liberty to be myself within my family, and not try to be my brother, or anyone else, for that matter.
This does not mean that I should not sacrifice; freedom does not mean no limitations. The beauty of being at liberty to love is that it's a choice. My expression of that love is not limited by others or myself.
I am required to love; I have freedom in how I do it.
disco.
Love has variations, I have liberty in experiencing and expressing that love, and God is like a disco ball.
This is only metaphorically speaking, and this is just the way that my mind has tried to grasp a God that no one can explain, and few understand. In my feeble attempts to understand God, the best way that I can verbalize my thoughts is by describing a disco ball.
A disco ball is the same material all the way through in that it doesn't change. The material that it is made of is consistent. A disco ball is a disco ball is a disco ball. Just like God is God is God, and He never changes.
A disco ball also has many "faces." God has many characteristics. Loving, just, merciful, righteous anger, omnitience, sovereign, gracious, etc. The disco ball shows all of its faces all of the time. God, in the same way, exemplifies all of His characteristics all of the time. There is never a time when He is not something that He is. As humans, we are limited, and often love sometimes, show anger sometimes, mercy other times, etc. God, when He is loving me, is hating sin and the devil. When He showed mercy to us as sinners, He poured out His wrath and justice on Jesus at the cross. God is always everything that He is. He cannot not be God.
When I stand in front of a disco ball, I am limited in my vision, and can only see some of the faces directly on the disco ball. But I CAN see the effect that all of the faces of the disco ball have on the room (all the colors and spots, etc.). You may be standing on the other side of the room, and seeing different faces on the disco ball, but you see the effect on the room as well.
Everyone in the room will see different sides and faces of the disco ball, but we're not looking at different disco balls, just different aspects of it. Our different positions limit our vision and understanding. We all see it reflecting in the room, though, and then when we talk about our different sides that we see, we start to better understand how all the reflections are being made the way they are. We're sharing our pictures of the disco ball....or of God.
God's character allows for us to share our love at liberty, because He has so many different expressions of His character. His relationship to each of us is unique, so we should thrive in our variety of expressions of love.
Thrive in the liberty of love and disco :).
I've been thinking a lot about God for the past year or so....about who He is, how we interact with Him, how we see Him, and how He sees us. These thoughts were spurred on by watching people around me, and seeing how so many people live life so differently. In particular, how so many Christians live and enact their faith differently day-to-day.
I love hearing people talk about how they see God, because they often see Him differently than I do....everyone has a unique perspective. Everyone I meet seems to love Him in a new way that I haven't seen before. It's like my brother and I - we both love our parents, but we show them in different ways, and we live out our relationships with them differently. I don't know what Ben would do if he was confined to showing love by grocery shopping with my Mom, and by cooking with my Dad.
Ben and I are in the same family, but our identities and roles in that family are different, and look different. We would never expect them to look the same, and to ask us to do that would be unreasonable and unrealistic.
liberty.
In expressing our love differently for one another, we experience freedom. I am at liberty to love my family in the ways I do it best. I am at liberty to be myself within my family, and not try to be my brother, or anyone else, for that matter.
This does not mean that I should not sacrifice; freedom does not mean no limitations. The beauty of being at liberty to love is that it's a choice. My expression of that love is not limited by others or myself.
I am required to love; I have freedom in how I do it.
disco.
Love has variations, I have liberty in experiencing and expressing that love, and God is like a disco ball.
This is only metaphorically speaking, and this is just the way that my mind has tried to grasp a God that no one can explain, and few understand. In my feeble attempts to understand God, the best way that I can verbalize my thoughts is by describing a disco ball.
A disco ball is the same material all the way through in that it doesn't change. The material that it is made of is consistent. A disco ball is a disco ball is a disco ball. Just like God is God is God, and He never changes.
A disco ball also has many "faces." God has many characteristics. Loving, just, merciful, righteous anger, omnitience, sovereign, gracious, etc. The disco ball shows all of its faces all of the time. God, in the same way, exemplifies all of His characteristics all of the time. There is never a time when He is not something that He is. As humans, we are limited, and often love sometimes, show anger sometimes, mercy other times, etc. God, when He is loving me, is hating sin and the devil. When He showed mercy to us as sinners, He poured out His wrath and justice on Jesus at the cross. God is always everything that He is. He cannot not be God.
When I stand in front of a disco ball, I am limited in my vision, and can only see some of the faces directly on the disco ball. But I CAN see the effect that all of the faces of the disco ball have on the room (all the colors and spots, etc.). You may be standing on the other side of the room, and seeing different faces on the disco ball, but you see the effect on the room as well.
Everyone in the room will see different sides and faces of the disco ball, but we're not looking at different disco balls, just different aspects of it. Our different positions limit our vision and understanding. We all see it reflecting in the room, though, and then when we talk about our different sides that we see, we start to better understand how all the reflections are being made the way they are. We're sharing our pictures of the disco ball....or of God.
God's character allows for us to share our love at liberty, because He has so many different expressions of His character. His relationship to each of us is unique, so we should thrive in our variety of expressions of love.
Thrive in the liberty of love and disco :).
8.03.2008
summer skin.
Summer Skin (Death Cab for Cutie)
"Squeaky swings and tall grass
The longest shadows ever cast
The water's warm and children swim
And we frolicked about in our summer skin"
This summer has been different. I've been in College Station working and taking 15 hours of summer school. It's been fun, though. I've loved being with a lot of my friends who are from here, and have enjoyed my roommates as well as building new friendships and deepening others.
Spontaneity has been the theme. Unpredictability, as well. Six months ago I would have never dreamed of calling Renee-nee one of my best friends :). And yet, now, I am so confident that she and I will live life together for a long time. And in a way, Mrs. Abby Perry replaced my previous friend that I had in Abby Anderson. Again, I never dreamed of having deeper prayer times with someone who shares my heart, passions, and even thoughts on life, and love, and Jesus.
Summer '08 has kept me on my toes. Spending an entire night in the ER with a friend I barely knew who busted his head open. We know each other now. Training for and running/biking a Duathlon. A huge challenge and hurdle for me. I can't wait for more. A new job doing graphic design.....my dream. This summer has been different, but good.
"I don't recall a single care
Just greenery and humid air
Then Labor day came and went
And we shed what was left of our summer skin"
Labor day hasn't come and gone yet, but it's ending. Summer, that is.
Last night I was privileged to attend a John Mayer concert. First of two concerts this summer, and it was fantastic. Spectacular. I feel almost as though many of his lyrics spoke to my memories as well as my hope for the future.
"just keep me where the light is."
"And you can't build a house of leaves
And live like it's an evergreen
It's just a season thing
It's just this thing that seasons do
And that's the way this wheel keeps working now
That's the way this wheel keeps working now
And you won't be the first
No you won't be the first
To love me"
"Good love is on the way/I've been lonely but I know, I'll be ok/Good love is on the way"
"Why is it not my time?/What is there more to learn?/Shed this skin I've been tripping in/Never to quite return"
There were more, but I'm trying to be brief. Dave Matthews is August 15, and I can't wait.
I realized last night at the concert, that Jesus can be found everywhere. Even there. Even in a stadium with shirtless John Mayer standing up on stage, singing his heart out about the love and life that's in his heart, not realizing the Truth in his words.
I'll be looking for Jesus at Dave Matthews too. We should look for Jesus everywhere.
"On the night you left I came over
And we peeled the freckles from our shoulders
Our brand new coats so flushed and pink
And I knew your heart I couldn't win
Cause the seasons change was a conduit
And we left our love in our summer skin"
The beauty of shedding summer skin, is that everything underneath goes with it. The summer is gone and past, and so is everything that came before it. "The seasons change was a conduit."
I'm ready for new. Goodbye summer skin.
11.21.2007
LOVE WINS part deux
"Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds." William Shakespeare
Love wins. Everyday. Always. I know why it wins - the blood on the cross. But how? Practically speaking, in my life today and everyday, how does love win?
To answer this question, I quote William Shakespeare - certainly not the theological mastermind, however we cannot deny it when Truth is spoken, and he speaks it quite well in the following sonnet.
Sonnet 116
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
I've been struggling with explanation, when all I had to do was turn to Shakespeare's eloquent ideas on the topic. "Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds." So succintly yet poignantly stated. A love that changes in regard to the various objects of that love, is no love at all. Period.
So go live a love that doesn't change.
While I was brainstorming the practical applications of love "winning" in our lives on a day to day basis, I was hoping (as all writers do at one point in time or the other) to come up with a magical and thorough list of ways to love with a selfless and sacrificial lifestyle. I am learning, however, that there is no list. My love manifests itself very differently from yours, as does yours from your neighbor's. The only constant among all of our "loves" is that it is like Christ's; all of our love must transcend this world, be motivated by Christ, and have no desire to gratify ourselves.
So let us be centered on Christ and love in all the ways that He has gifted us. I can't necessarily tell you how, and you can't necessarily tell me how. Just follow Jesus and love. Let us live a love that does not alter "when it alteration finds," and let us lose ourselves while doing it.
Love wins. Everyday. Always. I know why it wins - the blood on the cross. But how? Practically speaking, in my life today and everyday, how does love win?
To answer this question, I quote William Shakespeare - certainly not the theological mastermind, however we cannot deny it when Truth is spoken, and he speaks it quite well in the following sonnet.
Sonnet 116
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
I've been struggling with explanation, when all I had to do was turn to Shakespeare's eloquent ideas on the topic. "Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds." So succintly yet poignantly stated. A love that changes in regard to the various objects of that love, is no love at all. Period.
So go live a love that doesn't change.
While I was brainstorming the practical applications of love "winning" in our lives on a day to day basis, I was hoping (as all writers do at one point in time or the other) to come up with a magical and thorough list of ways to love with a selfless and sacrificial lifestyle. I am learning, however, that there is no list. My love manifests itself very differently from yours, as does yours from your neighbor's. The only constant among all of our "loves" is that it is like Christ's; all of our love must transcend this world, be motivated by Christ, and have no desire to gratify ourselves.
So let us be centered on Christ and love in all the ways that He has gifted us. I can't necessarily tell you how, and you can't necessarily tell me how. Just follow Jesus and love. Let us live a love that does not alter "when it alteration finds," and let us lose ourselves while doing it.
11.14.2007
Brainstorming - love wins practically speaking
“Christianity can be built around isolating ourselves from evildoers and sinners, creating a community of religious piety and moral purity. That’s the Christianity I grew up with. Christianity can also be built around joining with the broken sinners and evildoers of our world crying out to God, groaning for grace. That’s the Christianity I have fallen in love with.”
“There is a movement bubbling up that goes beyond cynicism and celebrates a new way of living, a generation that stops complaining about the church it sees and becomes the church it dreams of.”
"Charity wins awards and applause, but joining the poor gets you killed. People do not get crucified for charity. People are crucified for living out a love that disrupts the social order, that calls forth a new world. People are not crucified for helping poor people. People are crucified for joining them."
"Jesus is pointing the church to her true identity -- she is to live close to those who suffer."
*All quotes by Shane Claiborne.
I have been thinking a lot about the body of Christ and its function as the church in the world, and I'm still thinking. These quotes illustrate my brainstorming as I think about "Love wins" and continuing thoughts about how that is lived out practically in our lives.
“There is a movement bubbling up that goes beyond cynicism and celebrates a new way of living, a generation that stops complaining about the church it sees and becomes the church it dreams of.”
"Charity wins awards and applause, but joining the poor gets you killed. People do not get crucified for charity. People are crucified for living out a love that disrupts the social order, that calls forth a new world. People are not crucified for helping poor people. People are crucified for joining them."
"Jesus is pointing the church to her true identity -- she is to live close to those who suffer."
*All quotes by Shane Claiborne.
I have been thinking a lot about the body of Christ and its function as the church in the world, and I'm still thinking. These quotes illustrate my brainstorming as I think about "Love wins" and continuing thoughts about how that is lived out practically in our lives.
10.25.2007
LOVE WINS
I was studying today, and my friend walked up to share a table with me. I paused to talk for a moment as she pulled out her laptop. The sticker on the cover read "LOVE WINS." Those words were all I could think about for the rest of the day.
Love wins. I have a friend who calls me no matter how long it's been since the last time we've talked. She will often call me three or four times before I call her back. I would think that she would be so frustrated with me by now. We laugh about it when we get together. Her love is greater than my shortcomings. It always wins.
Love wins. I was locked out of my house the other day, and at 1:30 in the morning, I woke up my roommate who had a test the next day to let me in. The next morning, she gave me a huge hug as usual, as if I had never been thoughtless enough to forget my key and selfish enough to disturb her sleep. She never fails me.
Love wins. I say this not because I see it overcoming all in my life, because I definitely don't love like my two friends do. I say this because these words are weighted with hope - hope that my battles are not in vain.
Sometimes I feel like I'm fighting so hard to love others, and sometimes I'm fighting to let others love me. Other times, I'm just fighting for God's love to penetrate my hard heart and warm me from the inside out. It seems in vain. It seems like I'm losing all the time. I feel like I'm never reaching the full potential of love.
That's just the thing, though. I'm not reaching the potential. My efforts are in vain. I am losing - to Love, that is.
I'm realizing every day that Love wins; it wins me. In my battles, I am fighting so hard to live and love, when ironically I'm losing to a Love that is taking me over. It's like I'm swimming towards the boat, trying so hard to get inside so I can start making progress, so I can start moving forward in life, and all He wants me to do is stop and drown - drown in the waves of His Love.
It's so contradictory to what I've thought all my life. I've constantly chased after this life I think He wants me to live, and He wants me to stop and let Him consume me. He wants me to stop fighting and let Love win. And I've thought all along I had to "reach the boat" to get to the Love and where I can finally act out of that Love. I just need to give up and let Love wash over me - over, and over, and over again. And then let the tide take me where He wills.
Stop swimming for the boat. Drown. Let the water seep into my lungs until they're so full that it hurts to breathe. I will die, that is for sure.
But Love wins.
Love wins. I have a friend who calls me no matter how long it's been since the last time we've talked. She will often call me three or four times before I call her back. I would think that she would be so frustrated with me by now. We laugh about it when we get together. Her love is greater than my shortcomings. It always wins.
Love wins. I was locked out of my house the other day, and at 1:30 in the morning, I woke up my roommate who had a test the next day to let me in. The next morning, she gave me a huge hug as usual, as if I had never been thoughtless enough to forget my key and selfish enough to disturb her sleep. She never fails me.
Love wins. I say this not because I see it overcoming all in my life, because I definitely don't love like my two friends do. I say this because these words are weighted with hope - hope that my battles are not in vain.
Sometimes I feel like I'm fighting so hard to love others, and sometimes I'm fighting to let others love me. Other times, I'm just fighting for God's love to penetrate my hard heart and warm me from the inside out. It seems in vain. It seems like I'm losing all the time. I feel like I'm never reaching the full potential of love.
That's just the thing, though. I'm not reaching the potential. My efforts are in vain. I am losing - to Love, that is.
I'm realizing every day that Love wins; it wins me. In my battles, I am fighting so hard to live and love, when ironically I'm losing to a Love that is taking me over. It's like I'm swimming towards the boat, trying so hard to get inside so I can start making progress, so I can start moving forward in life, and all He wants me to do is stop and drown - drown in the waves of His Love.
It's so contradictory to what I've thought all my life. I've constantly chased after this life I think He wants me to live, and He wants me to stop and let Him consume me. He wants me to stop fighting and let Love win. And I've thought all along I had to "reach the boat" to get to the Love and where I can finally act out of that Love. I just need to give up and let Love wash over me - over, and over, and over again. And then let the tide take me where He wills.
Stop swimming for the boat. Drown. Let the water seep into my lungs until they're so full that it hurts to breathe. I will die, that is for sure.
But Love wins.
10.02.2007
Grace
Ephesians 2:4-5 says, "But God, rich in Mercy, because of His great Love, even when we were dead in our transgressions, made us alive in Christ - it is by Grace we have been saved."
It is by grace we have been saved. But what is grace when we still live as if we're holding onto what's been freely given? None of it is ours except what He's given us. 1 Chronicles 29:14 says, "All things come from thee O Lord, and of thine own have we given thee." By God's grace we have been saved, not by our own righteousness.
This is all common knowledge, though, in the church today. Yes, we all know that we have been saved by grace. But do we? I will venture a guess and say that we don't. The reason for this is self-righteousness.
Self-righteousness is prevalent in America because we live in a society that "does the right thing," morally and socially. It is "right" to live good lives. People even look better on those that live somewhat holy lives, calling these elite people "gentlemen," "ladies," "considerate people," "he's a solid guy," "she's not that kind of girl," etc. Sin is tolerated in the non-religious sector of America (and even in some religious circles), but there is still respect in our society for those people who seem to have it together more than the rest. But we don't. No one does.
Yet, in our self-righteousness, we hear ourselves say, "Well I've never done this," or "At least I haven't done that." And if we don't say it, we're thinking it, if not conciously, then subconciously. And if it's not what we haven't done, then it's what we do. And so we keep adding up our good points and subtracting the bad ones and adding on more for the bad things we don't do. What does it amount to? Some number that really means nothing because it all adds to zero every time. And that's the point.
The point is zero. No matter what I do or don't do, my works add up to zero when counting righteousness. (I'm not talking about bearing fruit, so please don't be offended and think that I'm saying good works mean nothing. They do, but NOT in regards to our state. Good works are an outpouring and outflow of the state we are put in by God's grace. Because we are righteous by his grace, we bear good fruit out of obedience in that grace and freedom.) And here is where I believe that it is hard for us to understand His grace until we have messed up big time, over and over again. It is then that we see that we cannot add up any points; we're getting into negative numbers here and we're losing hope. We're realizing our depravity and desperation for some way out, and we can't find it. We're cycling through sin, and we want out so badly, but just can't leave it behind. Here is where we find the grace of God - when we see that we cannot even live one more day without His help, and that nothing we do can make up for what we've already done.
The sad irony of this is we're all in this place - liars, murderers, thieves, homosexuals, gossipers, haters, lusters, etc. No matter the size of the sin, or the weight that the world places on it, we all add up to zero. And that's the beauty of grace - when we realize our depravity and that the size of it is huge, and always has been huge, and always will be huge, we can surrender and realize that "no one is righteous" and we need Him to give us grace. And then we need His mercy day after day after day, and then some more.
I pray that we would realize our need, whatever it takes. It may take falling into sin. It may take being hurt by someone elses sin. But when you reach that place where you know without a doubt that God saved you and no one else, and that He'll save you every day from the bonds of sin and guilt, and that He provides endless stores of grace and mercy for past, present, and future mistakes, you will know the depths of His love for you.
And the wonderful thing is that when you know His love for you, and how you still can't comprehend it fully, then your heart longs to step out in obedience. And that is how we love Him back.
It is by grace we have been saved. But what is grace when we still live as if we're holding onto what's been freely given? None of it is ours except what He's given us. 1 Chronicles 29:14 says, "All things come from thee O Lord, and of thine own have we given thee." By God's grace we have been saved, not by our own righteousness.
This is all common knowledge, though, in the church today. Yes, we all know that we have been saved by grace. But do we? I will venture a guess and say that we don't. The reason for this is self-righteousness.
Self-righteousness is prevalent in America because we live in a society that "does the right thing," morally and socially. It is "right" to live good lives. People even look better on those that live somewhat holy lives, calling these elite people "gentlemen," "ladies," "considerate people," "he's a solid guy," "she's not that kind of girl," etc. Sin is tolerated in the non-religious sector of America (and even in some religious circles), but there is still respect in our society for those people who seem to have it together more than the rest. But we don't. No one does.
Yet, in our self-righteousness, we hear ourselves say, "Well I've never done this," or "At least I haven't done that." And if we don't say it, we're thinking it, if not conciously, then subconciously. And if it's not what we haven't done, then it's what we do. And so we keep adding up our good points and subtracting the bad ones and adding on more for the bad things we don't do. What does it amount to? Some number that really means nothing because it all adds to zero every time. And that's the point.
The point is zero. No matter what I do or don't do, my works add up to zero when counting righteousness. (I'm not talking about bearing fruit, so please don't be offended and think that I'm saying good works mean nothing. They do, but NOT in regards to our state. Good works are an outpouring and outflow of the state we are put in by God's grace. Because we are righteous by his grace, we bear good fruit out of obedience in that grace and freedom.) And here is where I believe that it is hard for us to understand His grace until we have messed up big time, over and over again. It is then that we see that we cannot add up any points; we're getting into negative numbers here and we're losing hope. We're realizing our depravity and desperation for some way out, and we can't find it. We're cycling through sin, and we want out so badly, but just can't leave it behind. Here is where we find the grace of God - when we see that we cannot even live one more day without His help, and that nothing we do can make up for what we've already done.
The sad irony of this is we're all in this place - liars, murderers, thieves, homosexuals, gossipers, haters, lusters, etc. No matter the size of the sin, or the weight that the world places on it, we all add up to zero. And that's the beauty of grace - when we realize our depravity and that the size of it is huge, and always has been huge, and always will be huge, we can surrender and realize that "no one is righteous" and we need Him to give us grace. And then we need His mercy day after day after day, and then some more.
I pray that we would realize our need, whatever it takes. It may take falling into sin. It may take being hurt by someone elses sin. But when you reach that place where you know without a doubt that God saved you and no one else, and that He'll save you every day from the bonds of sin and guilt, and that He provides endless stores of grace and mercy for past, present, and future mistakes, you will know the depths of His love for you.
And the wonderful thing is that when you know His love for you, and how you still can't comprehend it fully, then your heart longs to step out in obedience. And that is how we love Him back.
4.20.2007
I like the word paradox.
Paradox, n. - any person, thing, or situation exhibiting an apparently contradictory nature. I'm a thinker by nature, and yet somehow this semester the Lord has been teaching me to be a "be-er." He's been asking me not to think but to do and be everything that I am in His presence. So as I pause for a moment and think about the past couple of months that I have struggled to "just be," I realize how much I don't know, how so many things are so confusing, and how it just encourages me to continue "being." Ironic - after "being," I try to think about what it means "to be" and it draws me to "just be" some more. And that's paradoxical.
In fact, life is paradoxical. Nothing is as it seems, and yet everything is as it seems. When I hear others describe me, they see me as a risk-taker, as someone who is passionate about life and adventure, someone who laughs a lot, someone who has difficulty facing the facts, someone who has a hard time crying in front of people, someone who studies a lot, someone who over-analyzes things, etc. And I am all of those things, but I'm also afraid of almost every risk I take, and afraid of getting out of my comfort zone, and sometimes laugh to cover up what I'm really thinking, and someone who knows the facts but likes to pretend. I'm a paradox. We're all paradoxes.
Does this mean that we're not being real? I don't think so. We're all afraid of things, and yet we spend our lives trying to conquer the fears. Someone who is brave probably has more fears than most of us because they have more fears to conquer. Someone who hates what the American church has become, and yet still goes to church and sits in the audience dissatisfied and bitter is a paradox. Someone who abhors violence on TV and speaks out against the media and yet goes and sees violent movies is a paradox. Life is a paradox, in fact, because the things we see as beautiful often are not, and the things we immediately discard are sometimes the biggest treasures of all.
So what can we do? How can we live honestly in this world of sin where paradoxes are abundant and disproving our arguements and inclinations?
The greatest paradox of all time was Christ's death on the cross. This one event was the most beautiful and the most terrible thing that has ever happened in all of history, and that will ever happen. Terrible because of the intense suffering of a perfect and beautiful man whose Love never fails, and beautiful because of the hope and assurance it gives us. Also beautiful because it proves that Jesus is real...it proves that our paradoxical lives are beautiful because Jesus died for us the way we are. Our filth and beauty is wrapped up in one and He loves it all. He loves it ALL. He died for it all.
My response to this amazing and terrible act is to just live. I don't need to question why He endured suffering and yet made it a beautiful sacrifice at the same time, I just need to respond to the great show of Love. I don't need to question life, and love, and why things happen, and what hope we could have, I just need to live and to love and to let His will happen and to have in hope in this great God who created life the way it is - this great God who lets the pain happen with the beauty.
So let us live and love and have hope. Don't throw caution to the wind, but trust that He is sovereign. Embrace the life He has given - just as it is. Embrace the beauty, but don't forget to embrace the pain. "I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead." (Philippians 3:10-11)
Nothing matters except to "know Christ...the power of his resurrection...the fellowship of...his sufferings" so that we can live in the paradox of His amazing Love. It is everything that it appears to be, but it is also so much more, because His love is driven to us by the weight of His suffering.
He desires that we "just be," that we understand His love and grace and that we live in that, and that we seek to know Him intimately in the midst of a life that doesn't make perfect sense. Know Him - know His love, but also know His pain. Let it envelop you, because when we see Him like this, life becomes something we live in for, through, and because of Him.
This all may seem jumbled; after all, these are paradoxes we're talking about...but basically He wants to consume me, and consume you, and consume us, by letting us partake in His suffering and Love. This is why we're here. To be His, to know Him, and to then Love. That's all.
In fact, life is paradoxical. Nothing is as it seems, and yet everything is as it seems. When I hear others describe me, they see me as a risk-taker, as someone who is passionate about life and adventure, someone who laughs a lot, someone who has difficulty facing the facts, someone who has a hard time crying in front of people, someone who studies a lot, someone who over-analyzes things, etc. And I am all of those things, but I'm also afraid of almost every risk I take, and afraid of getting out of my comfort zone, and sometimes laugh to cover up what I'm really thinking, and someone who knows the facts but likes to pretend. I'm a paradox. We're all paradoxes.
Does this mean that we're not being real? I don't think so. We're all afraid of things, and yet we spend our lives trying to conquer the fears. Someone who is brave probably has more fears than most of us because they have more fears to conquer. Someone who hates what the American church has become, and yet still goes to church and sits in the audience dissatisfied and bitter is a paradox. Someone who abhors violence on TV and speaks out against the media and yet goes and sees violent movies is a paradox. Life is a paradox, in fact, because the things we see as beautiful often are not, and the things we immediately discard are sometimes the biggest treasures of all.
So what can we do? How can we live honestly in this world of sin where paradoxes are abundant and disproving our arguements and inclinations?
The greatest paradox of all time was Christ's death on the cross. This one event was the most beautiful and the most terrible thing that has ever happened in all of history, and that will ever happen. Terrible because of the intense suffering of a perfect and beautiful man whose Love never fails, and beautiful because of the hope and assurance it gives us. Also beautiful because it proves that Jesus is real...it proves that our paradoxical lives are beautiful because Jesus died for us the way we are. Our filth and beauty is wrapped up in one and He loves it all. He loves it ALL. He died for it all.
My response to this amazing and terrible act is to just live. I don't need to question why He endured suffering and yet made it a beautiful sacrifice at the same time, I just need to respond to the great show of Love. I don't need to question life, and love, and why things happen, and what hope we could have, I just need to live and to love and to let His will happen and to have in hope in this great God who created life the way it is - this great God who lets the pain happen with the beauty.
So let us live and love and have hope. Don't throw caution to the wind, but trust that He is sovereign. Embrace the life He has given - just as it is. Embrace the beauty, but don't forget to embrace the pain. "I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead." (Philippians 3:10-11)
Nothing matters except to "know Christ...the power of his resurrection...the fellowship of...his sufferings" so that we can live in the paradox of His amazing Love. It is everything that it appears to be, but it is also so much more, because His love is driven to us by the weight of His suffering.
He desires that we "just be," that we understand His love and grace and that we live in that, and that we seek to know Him intimately in the midst of a life that doesn't make perfect sense. Know Him - know His love, but also know His pain. Let it envelop you, because when we see Him like this, life becomes something we live in for, through, and because of Him.
This all may seem jumbled; after all, these are paradoxes we're talking about...but basically He wants to consume me, and consume you, and consume us, by letting us partake in His suffering and Love. This is why we're here. To be His, to know Him, and to then Love. That's all.
2.11.2007
Love is dying.
I think about love a lot, and yet I think it's one of those abstract ideas that I still have a hard time grasping. It's a trait that has been twisted and misunderstood in our world by Satan because it is so powerful. The fact that God is love is the reason why Satan is going to be vanquished. Why wouldn't he twist our view of it so that we don't fully understand and live in the power of the great love of our God?
If God IS love, meaning He actually equals it, what does that mean? God = love. What else is God? He is just, righteous, holy, merciful, gracious, etc. The list could go on. He is also angry, full of wrath, and to be feared. One of my good friends told me the other day that whatever God is, He is ALL of that; everything in Him is acting on it. For example, God is love, so all of God's being is behind being "love." So all of God's being is also behind being powerful, just, merciful, wrathful, etc. He's not halfway loving and halfway just; He is everything He is, all the time.
Now I'm going to draw on my many years of math. If God = love and God = just, then according to the Transitive Property of Equality, love = just. So if this is true, then love is also equal to all of the other qualities that God embodies. So love is just, holy, righteous, merciful, kind, gracious, full of wrath, patient, etc. and to be feared.
This is hard to imagine. One reason, is that in our limited view of God, we only see certain aspects of His character at certain times; we don't have the full picture. "Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." (1 Corinthians 13:12) It's easy to look at His interaction with Mary and Martha and see love, His cleansing of the court of the gentiles as evidence of His wrath, his tears at the death of Lazarus as compassion, etc. But to see and experience all of Him all at once is hard to imagine. And yet that's what He's saying Love is; if Love is Himself, then Love should be all of these things all at once. How do we see it then? How can we ever love if we only see a small picture?
I believe that we have one instance where all of God was evident all at once, so evident that it moved God to turn His back on His own son. So evident that the entire earth was affected, being cloaked in darkness. When Christ died, we see God's wrath and anger towards sin in the world, His mercifulness to relieve us of the death we deserved, His grace to give us the free gift of eternal life, His holiness that He could not look as His perfect son died in shame, His righteousness that the sinner on the cross next to Him could not deny, and His awe - the earth shook and the veil was torn because of His death. And of course love - love so great that God's only son would die for us. All of Christ was there on that cross when He died for us.
So what is love? It is dying - dying to everything I am, just like Christ died to everything He had, "becoming obedient to death, even death on a cross." (Philippians 2:8) Love is dying to my pride and any and all desires I have. It's dying to the things that hurt me as well. For me, to love is to act as though I have nothing to lose - to treat others and serve them with no regard to protecting myself, and with no fear of being hurt. I am, after all, dying, and I don't hear of beautiful and painless deaths too often.
Dying is rough; it's hard to bear. As should love be. It's painful, and I think we often candy-coat it. But when we see that love is dying, and encompasses all of the characteristics of Christ, it is so rich. It becomes a beautiful sacrifice, rich in the blood of Christ. C.S. Lewis described it like this:
"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket--safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."
I must love others, even if who they are hurts me. I must love others for who they are at that moment. I must love change even if I think I will suffer. If we should love, then we must die, for love cannot be experienced to the full without a death to ourselves and the things we hold onto to preserve us. And the ones that share this kind of love, this all-encompassing love that never fails, know the love of Christ, because they die daily with Him. "Then he said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me." (Luke 9:23)
If God IS love, meaning He actually equals it, what does that mean? God = love. What else is God? He is just, righteous, holy, merciful, gracious, etc. The list could go on. He is also angry, full of wrath, and to be feared. One of my good friends told me the other day that whatever God is, He is ALL of that; everything in Him is acting on it. For example, God is love, so all of God's being is behind being "love." So all of God's being is also behind being powerful, just, merciful, wrathful, etc. He's not halfway loving and halfway just; He is everything He is, all the time.
Now I'm going to draw on my many years of math. If God = love and God = just, then according to the Transitive Property of Equality, love = just. So if this is true, then love is also equal to all of the other qualities that God embodies. So love is just, holy, righteous, merciful, kind, gracious, full of wrath, patient, etc. and to be feared.
This is hard to imagine. One reason, is that in our limited view of God, we only see certain aspects of His character at certain times; we don't have the full picture. "Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." (1 Corinthians 13:12) It's easy to look at His interaction with Mary and Martha and see love, His cleansing of the court of the gentiles as evidence of His wrath, his tears at the death of Lazarus as compassion, etc. But to see and experience all of Him all at once is hard to imagine. And yet that's what He's saying Love is; if Love is Himself, then Love should be all of these things all at once. How do we see it then? How can we ever love if we only see a small picture?
I believe that we have one instance where all of God was evident all at once, so evident that it moved God to turn His back on His own son. So evident that the entire earth was affected, being cloaked in darkness. When Christ died, we see God's wrath and anger towards sin in the world, His mercifulness to relieve us of the death we deserved, His grace to give us the free gift of eternal life, His holiness that He could not look as His perfect son died in shame, His righteousness that the sinner on the cross next to Him could not deny, and His awe - the earth shook and the veil was torn because of His death. And of course love - love so great that God's only son would die for us. All of Christ was there on that cross when He died for us.
So what is love? It is dying - dying to everything I am, just like Christ died to everything He had, "becoming obedient to death, even death on a cross." (Philippians 2:8) Love is dying to my pride and any and all desires I have. It's dying to the things that hurt me as well. For me, to love is to act as though I have nothing to lose - to treat others and serve them with no regard to protecting myself, and with no fear of being hurt. I am, after all, dying, and I don't hear of beautiful and painless deaths too often.
Dying is rough; it's hard to bear. As should love be. It's painful, and I think we often candy-coat it. But when we see that love is dying, and encompasses all of the characteristics of Christ, it is so rich. It becomes a beautiful sacrifice, rich in the blood of Christ. C.S. Lewis described it like this:
"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket--safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."
I must love others, even if who they are hurts me. I must love others for who they are at that moment. I must love change even if I think I will suffer. If we should love, then we must die, for love cannot be experienced to the full without a death to ourselves and the things we hold onto to preserve us. And the ones that share this kind of love, this all-encompassing love that never fails, know the love of Christ, because they die daily with Him. "Then he said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me." (Luke 9:23)
12.29.2006
Learning to love wine with my cheese...
It's the end of another year. 2006 is over and done with, and we face 2007 as if we're strapped into a roller coaster, and coming to the top of a drop - we can't look back, we can't slow down, and we're strapped in tightly whether we want to be or not.
As a writer, I like to describe things concisely and thoroughly in neat little paragraphs. These "things" that I so often attempt to define by small groupings of words include the seasons of life. Isn't it wonderful when you can look back over a semester, slap some words on the page, cross a couple out that you realize too accurately describe some emotion, rearrange a few more to make decent sentences, and then step back and look at 4 months all wrapped up in a 4x6 inch space on a stark white sheet of paper? Although I've made it sound so inhumane and emotionless, it's actually quite satisfying. My paragraph looks clean and purposed; it's evenly spaced, contains exactly what I want to remember from that season (leaves no room for upsets or mess ups), and gives me a sense of closure. I can now set that paragraph or season aside, and move forward with no overlapping of relationships, events, or personal struggles and triumphs. That paragraph is complete.
I've done this for several years now - maybe not on paper, but in my mind I enjoy creating closure. I will reflect on a semester, glean what wisdom I gained that I should take with me in life, burn the bad memories, summarize briefly, and move on. As I look back on this year, however, and start my synopsis of my life contained in 2006, I'm struggling to end my paragraph. There doesn't seem to be a neat and tidy way to close it off.
I look back, and so many of my joys are so intimately connected with sorrows, that I would have to remove the joy in order to "clean up" my description of the hard times. The people God has connected me with, and re-connected me with, cannot be summed up in a word, because my relationships with them are ever-changing, ever-growing. I can't possibly close a chapter with one person, and open another one with a whole set of new people. The one must remain a character in the story. As soon as I can accurately define my relationship with someone, it changes. My roommates became my sisters, my best friend became closer than a brother, my brother became my best friend, the girls I was leading in Bible Study became some of my greatest teachers, acquaintances became friends for life. How can I confine these to a few sentences and leave them at that? To do so would be to confine life.
I compartmentalize. Our human nature is to want things to stay the same, to stay comfortable, to be neat and tidy, all wrapped up in a little paragraph. Life is messy, though. It's wild and untame. The joys in life don't always come in separate packages than the sorrows. Sometimes the two are inexorably tied together - you can't get the joy without the sorrow, you can't get the sisters without conflict, you can't get real love without heartache. It's a mess - of hurt and pain, tears and broken hearts, side-splitting laughter and genuine smiles, sacrificing friendships and love, misspoken words, purposed encouragement, jealousy, honesty, respect.
It's beautiful, though. He's in there amidst it all. Jesus is in the wild mess of what we call life, and He's there. Not a spectator, but a player. He's there and He WANTS to be there. He doesn't want me to make a feeble attempt to wrap it all up "neat and tidy." He wants me to thrive in the mess of it all. To love and to be loved. To worship Him because of ALL of it - the joys and the sorrows, because the two cannot be separated. To embrace change - in people, in relationships, in myself.
When I was three, my Mom taught me to read, and one day, from the backseat of the car, I read a bumper sticker out loud to her. "Sh*t Happens." Well, sh*t does happen. There are things I cannot explain, things I can't see purpose in, and things I wish would change for what I think could be better. And yet, my life is beautiful. Our lives are beautiful. The mess is beautiful, because He is good. I would say that my summary to what I've learned this year would be broad, unspecific, and similar to the bumper sticker, but less cynical -
Life is wild and unpredictable. Relationships can no sooner be defined or limited than you could tame a bull. For me to separate the joy from the sorrow is like eating the cheese without the wine. The wine may be bittersweet, but it is rich. When we can learn to take life as it's given to us, be thankful for it, and thrive in it as it is, we will be rich in Love like Him.
As a writer, I like to describe things concisely and thoroughly in neat little paragraphs. These "things" that I so often attempt to define by small groupings of words include the seasons of life. Isn't it wonderful when you can look back over a semester, slap some words on the page, cross a couple out that you realize too accurately describe some emotion, rearrange a few more to make decent sentences, and then step back and look at 4 months all wrapped up in a 4x6 inch space on a stark white sheet of paper? Although I've made it sound so inhumane and emotionless, it's actually quite satisfying. My paragraph looks clean and purposed; it's evenly spaced, contains exactly what I want to remember from that season (leaves no room for upsets or mess ups), and gives me a sense of closure. I can now set that paragraph or season aside, and move forward with no overlapping of relationships, events, or personal struggles and triumphs. That paragraph is complete.
I've done this for several years now - maybe not on paper, but in my mind I enjoy creating closure. I will reflect on a semester, glean what wisdom I gained that I should take with me in life, burn the bad memories, summarize briefly, and move on. As I look back on this year, however, and start my synopsis of my life contained in 2006, I'm struggling to end my paragraph. There doesn't seem to be a neat and tidy way to close it off.
I look back, and so many of my joys are so intimately connected with sorrows, that I would have to remove the joy in order to "clean up" my description of the hard times. The people God has connected me with, and re-connected me with, cannot be summed up in a word, because my relationships with them are ever-changing, ever-growing. I can't possibly close a chapter with one person, and open another one with a whole set of new people. The one must remain a character in the story. As soon as I can accurately define my relationship with someone, it changes. My roommates became my sisters, my best friend became closer than a brother, my brother became my best friend, the girls I was leading in Bible Study became some of my greatest teachers, acquaintances became friends for life. How can I confine these to a few sentences and leave them at that? To do so would be to confine life.
I compartmentalize. Our human nature is to want things to stay the same, to stay comfortable, to be neat and tidy, all wrapped up in a little paragraph. Life is messy, though. It's wild and untame. The joys in life don't always come in separate packages than the sorrows. Sometimes the two are inexorably tied together - you can't get the joy without the sorrow, you can't get the sisters without conflict, you can't get real love without heartache. It's a mess - of hurt and pain, tears and broken hearts, side-splitting laughter and genuine smiles, sacrificing friendships and love, misspoken words, purposed encouragement, jealousy, honesty, respect.
It's beautiful, though. He's in there amidst it all. Jesus is in the wild mess of what we call life, and He's there. Not a spectator, but a player. He's there and He WANTS to be there. He doesn't want me to make a feeble attempt to wrap it all up "neat and tidy." He wants me to thrive in the mess of it all. To love and to be loved. To worship Him because of ALL of it - the joys and the sorrows, because the two cannot be separated. To embrace change - in people, in relationships, in myself.
When I was three, my Mom taught me to read, and one day, from the backseat of the car, I read a bumper sticker out loud to her. "Sh*t Happens." Well, sh*t does happen. There are things I cannot explain, things I can't see purpose in, and things I wish would change for what I think could be better. And yet, my life is beautiful. Our lives are beautiful. The mess is beautiful, because He is good. I would say that my summary to what I've learned this year would be broad, unspecific, and similar to the bumper sticker, but less cynical -
Life is wild and unpredictable. Relationships can no sooner be defined or limited than you could tame a bull. For me to separate the joy from the sorrow is like eating the cheese without the wine. The wine may be bittersweet, but it is rich. When we can learn to take life as it's given to us, be thankful for it, and thrive in it as it is, we will be rich in Love like Him.
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