I haven't written in a long time. Maybe because I've been busy living. Maybe because I haven't had time to think. Maybe because I've been neglecting my heart and it's dweller - Jesus Christ. I prayed out loud yesterday for the first time in a long time, and it felt strange. Honestly, I felt like I was talking to a stranger. I know I wasn't. I know that He loves me and cares for me, but it felt different. I felt like I had a lot to say, a lot to talk about, and so the little things I wanted to say and converse about were unimportant sitting next to the great travesties of thoughts that needed to be discussed. I felt like Jesus was saying, "Why are we talking about the food you're about to eat, and about the safety of you and others when we need to talk about our friendship?"
My guess is that we all do this. We all get super busy with life that we hurry along and "pray" throughout our days, but we don't really ever sit at His feet, quiet, listening. I feel like Jesus knows a lot of what's going on in my heart and life, but I don't really know what's going on in His. Yesterday I felt the weight of that - the weight of coming before Him and not knowing His heart. The weight of realizing that I need Him so much, and I've been acting like I didn't.
Needing Him - this is different from reading a passage of scripture in the morning, going to church, leading a Bible study, going to a Bible study, praying for friends, thanking Him for blessings, etc. Needing Him is allowing Him to change me, to pour life-giving wisdom into me, to rejuvenate me, to redeem me, every single day I'm alive.
I've been going on fumes, and I just ran out of gas. It only works for so long, you know, and then you die. And then it's like, there aren't even words to speak to explain what's going on inside. I feel empty. I slept for 15 hours last night, and I'm pretty sure that was a physical representation of my spiritual state - weary because I've neglected Him filling my cup. "Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks" (Luke 6:45), and my mouth has nothing to say because my heart is empty.
And life just keeps getting bigger. He is faithful, though, and my weary heart and mind are clinging to that thread of truth midst the tatters of threads that I have neglected and even unraveled. I am determined to get out of this dry place. Ironically and satisfyingly enough, however, there is nothing I can do to get myself out except rest - rest in His arms and let Him pour out His strength and love over me. From that place, I can be more diligent about being in His word and being His friend.
I guess I share this so that friends can hold me accountable, but also to encourage you that there is no place too dry, no place too silent, no place too despairing that He cannot come and lift you from. He fills, He speaks, He redeems, until my cup overfloweth.
Praise this wonderful God, from whom all blessings flow.
Showing posts with label Jesus. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jesus. Show all posts
5.16.2011
4.18.2009
here comes the sun.
"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket --safe, dark, motionless, airless-- it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell."
C.S. Lewis wrote this in his book The Four Loves. I believe every word of it. I have felt every word of it. It is a scary thing to reach out and love the unlovable around you. It's a scary leap to leave safety for the first time and take your heart out of it's carefully kept casket. You expect to be rewarded by your risk, and so you take your heart out and throw it to the world, hoping and waiting for cheers, reciprocated tenderness, affection, or even kind words. Shockingly your heart comes back, hanging its head, dragging its feet, covered in blisters, worn out by the heat it received from the ones it was trying so desperately to love.
Jesus said to His disciples, "If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you." (John 15:18-19) The world is who Jesus commanded us to love. Love your neighbors. Love your enemies. Turn the other cheek.
Battered and bruised. Is it even worth it? I find myself asking this lately, is my broken heart worth it? I have loved and felt pain because I loved and gave myself to people around me, and yet I don't think I've even tapped into the deep, deep wells of what love really is. All I did was raise the stakes in my poker game, because I put a part of me out there. Instead of playing for cheap coins, I "bet" my heart, so to speak. I gave the world something that is vital to my life, integral to my existence.
My head says it's worth it. My bleeding heart still fights the urge of self-preservation. John 16:33 says, "In this world, you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." Psalm 34:18 says, "The Lord is near to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
Christ showed us how to love. He died on the cross. He experienced God turning His back on His only son. He bore the weight of all our sins. His followers denied Him, mocked Him, spit on Him. And He loved.
I hope my heart is never whole. That may seem contrary to popular belief, but God's heart isn't whole, at least not in the sense that we think it is...He gives it to all of us, every minute of the day. His heart is complete. His heart is full. His heart has the Spirit. His heart is perfect. But He gave us His heart and His love when He gave us His son. And we are to live like Him.
I pray that I would not be afraid to unlock the casket of my heart and let it bring life and love to those around me. I hope that I learn to love enough that my heart wears out and blisters and tears until the pain is so great only my Savior can stitch it back up. My heart will be whole when it knows the pain of being given away, has felt the needle of repair, and then is called back into duty, even though the wounds haven't completely healed.
The Beatles didn't see the wisdom in their song, but I see it and have felt it. I fear more that I may lock my heart up, never to see the sun/Son again.
So, broken hearts, "Here comes the Son, it's all right...."
C.S. Lewis wrote this in his book The Four Loves. I believe every word of it. I have felt every word of it. It is a scary thing to reach out and love the unlovable around you. It's a scary leap to leave safety for the first time and take your heart out of it's carefully kept casket. You expect to be rewarded by your risk, and so you take your heart out and throw it to the world, hoping and waiting for cheers, reciprocated tenderness, affection, or even kind words. Shockingly your heart comes back, hanging its head, dragging its feet, covered in blisters, worn out by the heat it received from the ones it was trying so desperately to love.
Jesus said to His disciples, "If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you." (John 15:18-19) The world is who Jesus commanded us to love. Love your neighbors. Love your enemies. Turn the other cheek.
Battered and bruised. Is it even worth it? I find myself asking this lately, is my broken heart worth it? I have loved and felt pain because I loved and gave myself to people around me, and yet I don't think I've even tapped into the deep, deep wells of what love really is. All I did was raise the stakes in my poker game, because I put a part of me out there. Instead of playing for cheap coins, I "bet" my heart, so to speak. I gave the world something that is vital to my life, integral to my existence.
My head says it's worth it. My bleeding heart still fights the urge of self-preservation. John 16:33 says, "In this world, you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." Psalm 34:18 says, "The Lord is near to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
Christ showed us how to love. He died on the cross. He experienced God turning His back on His only son. He bore the weight of all our sins. His followers denied Him, mocked Him, spit on Him. And He loved.
I hope my heart is never whole. That may seem contrary to popular belief, but God's heart isn't whole, at least not in the sense that we think it is...He gives it to all of us, every minute of the day. His heart is complete. His heart is full. His heart has the Spirit. His heart is perfect. But He gave us His heart and His love when He gave us His son. And we are to live like Him.
I pray that I would not be afraid to unlock the casket of my heart and let it bring life and love to those around me. I hope that I learn to love enough that my heart wears out and blisters and tears until the pain is so great only my Savior can stitch it back up. My heart will be whole when it knows the pain of being given away, has felt the needle of repair, and then is called back into duty, even though the wounds haven't completely healed.
The Beatles didn't see the wisdom in their song, but I see it and have felt it. I fear more that I may lock my heart up, never to see the sun/Son again.
So, broken hearts, "Here comes the Son, it's all right...."
9.08.2008
i'm not good at playing clarinet.
I've been listening to a sermon series on Jonah (Beau Hughes - Village Church). It is so good. Two down, two to go, and I can barely make myself wait to listen to the next one so that the previous one can really sink in.
My senior year of high school, I decided that Jonah was my favorite book in the Bible...I said it was because I could relate to his rebellious nature. It's still my favorite book, I think, but not for the same reason. My prior reason was very self-focused; I liked reading the book because I could relate. Now I like the book because of how I see the character of God, and the message of the Gospel.
It is so good.
Jonah, when you strip everything down, is all about sin and grace. People sin. God shows mercy and grace. Every time. Even if you're the people of Ninevah - historically speaking, some of the worst and immoral people of their time, even in non-Jewish eyes. And even if you're Jonah, and you know better, and still sin.
Not only did Jonah know better, but he was a renowned prophet. Renowned. That means he had a history of hearing Truth from the Lord, speaking that Truth to people, and then watching it come true...time and time again. This is the guy that ran away from God.
A couple of things that I've learned:
1. There will always be a ship to Tarshish.
Jonah knew what was right; he knew he had to go and warn the people of Ninevah. But that was hard. The people of Ninevah were cruel and might hurt him. And there was an easy and ready way out - the ship to Tarshish. What is my ship to Tarshish? It may look a little different every time, but as well as you know yourself, Satan knows you better...and he will recognize patterns of weakness in your life, and send a ship your way. I need to know that ship when I see it, and run from it. I don't want to be standing on the dock when it shows up.
2. His grace is the only important thing...ever.
This is a little harder for me to explain. I'll start with a word-picture that Beau Hughes used in his sermon and expand upon it a little. Picture an orchestra - a world-class orchestra with every instrument imaginable. And the conductor knows what he's doing...he's been doing it for years. In fact, he put together this orchestra from the beginning, and he knows exactly who is in it. He knows how well they play - individually and together. He knows their strengths and weaknesses and has organized them accordingly. He is good at directing his orchestra, and he has the full piece of music in front of him. He doesn't even have to look at it; he knows it so well.
Sometimes members of the orchestra make mistakes; that happens. Nobody plays perfectly every time. But they try every time. And the conductor directs them knowing that they make mistakes sometimes...like I said before, he knows their weaknesses. He knows that when it's time for the strings to come in, he has to emphasize that point or else they'll miss their cue. He knows that the trumpets tend to get carried away if he doesn't warn them before they need to cut off. Sometimes the clarinets get distracted by the deep sounds of the bassoons, but the conductor knows this and asks the bassoons to lower their sound, and sometimes moves the clarinets to another section.
The conductor knows everything. He knows, and he works out the music despite the problems, using each section's strengths and abilities. He doesn't expect perfection.
He does, however, expect everyone to follow the music that he has composed. When the saxophone strays from the music and starts off on a solo that wasn't scripted, the conductor is not happy. Here, the conductor must take action. You see, the saxophone is trying to be the conductor - trying to write in his own part. But the saxophone is just a saxophone, and not the conductor. He must either go back to playing his part and reading the music the conductor has written, or leave the orchestra. There can only be one conductor.
God is the same way...He doesn't expect us to be perfect. In fact, He knew we would never be perfect, and so sent Jesus as propitiation for our sins. He does look at our hearts, however, and if we're not following His way, trying to read His music, He must take action.
Jonah stopped playing the right song. He ran to the ship to Tarshish, and started belting out a solo - one that would be the biggest mistake of his life. He tried to rewrite the music.
Why did he try to rewrite the music? This is the key part.
Jonah 2:4 says, "...That is why I was so quick to flee to Tarshish. I knew that you are a gracious and compassionate God, slow to anger and abounding in love, a God who relents from sending calamity. "
Jonah started writing his own music because he knew that God was gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love. Jonah wanted judgement. God always desires mercy. Always. And God has been and is so faithful to show mercy and grace, that Jonah refused to obey God, knowing that God would come through and show the wickedest people of his time love and grace.
What a beautiful realization and understanding of our God. I may not always hit every note, but He knows....and He helps me along. He gives me that extra cue, and moves me to a section where I can only see Him. And if I start to get a little arrogant, and bust out into my own solo, He'll stop the music and draw my eyes back to Him, back to the music that He has written.
"I know that you are a gracious and compassionate God, slow to anger and abounding in love, a God who relents from sending calamity."
I'm not very good at playing clarinet. Oh but He knows.
My senior year of high school, I decided that Jonah was my favorite book in the Bible...I said it was because I could relate to his rebellious nature. It's still my favorite book, I think, but not for the same reason. My prior reason was very self-focused; I liked reading the book because I could relate. Now I like the book because of how I see the character of God, and the message of the Gospel.
It is so good.
Jonah, when you strip everything down, is all about sin and grace. People sin. God shows mercy and grace. Every time. Even if you're the people of Ninevah - historically speaking, some of the worst and immoral people of their time, even in non-Jewish eyes. And even if you're Jonah, and you know better, and still sin.
Not only did Jonah know better, but he was a renowned prophet. Renowned. That means he had a history of hearing Truth from the Lord, speaking that Truth to people, and then watching it come true...time and time again. This is the guy that ran away from God.
A couple of things that I've learned:
1. There will always be a ship to Tarshish.
Jonah knew what was right; he knew he had to go and warn the people of Ninevah. But that was hard. The people of Ninevah were cruel and might hurt him. And there was an easy and ready way out - the ship to Tarshish. What is my ship to Tarshish? It may look a little different every time, but as well as you know yourself, Satan knows you better...and he will recognize patterns of weakness in your life, and send a ship your way. I need to know that ship when I see it, and run from it. I don't want to be standing on the dock when it shows up.
2. His grace is the only important thing...ever.
This is a little harder for me to explain. I'll start with a word-picture that Beau Hughes used in his sermon and expand upon it a little. Picture an orchestra - a world-class orchestra with every instrument imaginable. And the conductor knows what he's doing...he's been doing it for years. In fact, he put together this orchestra from the beginning, and he knows exactly who is in it. He knows how well they play - individually and together. He knows their strengths and weaknesses and has organized them accordingly. He is good at directing his orchestra, and he has the full piece of music in front of him. He doesn't even have to look at it; he knows it so well.
Sometimes members of the orchestra make mistakes; that happens. Nobody plays perfectly every time. But they try every time. And the conductor directs them knowing that they make mistakes sometimes...like I said before, he knows their weaknesses. He knows that when it's time for the strings to come in, he has to emphasize that point or else they'll miss their cue. He knows that the trumpets tend to get carried away if he doesn't warn them before they need to cut off. Sometimes the clarinets get distracted by the deep sounds of the bassoons, but the conductor knows this and asks the bassoons to lower their sound, and sometimes moves the clarinets to another section.
The conductor knows everything. He knows, and he works out the music despite the problems, using each section's strengths and abilities. He doesn't expect perfection.
He does, however, expect everyone to follow the music that he has composed. When the saxophone strays from the music and starts off on a solo that wasn't scripted, the conductor is not happy. Here, the conductor must take action. You see, the saxophone is trying to be the conductor - trying to write in his own part. But the saxophone is just a saxophone, and not the conductor. He must either go back to playing his part and reading the music the conductor has written, or leave the orchestra. There can only be one conductor.
God is the same way...He doesn't expect us to be perfect. In fact, He knew we would never be perfect, and so sent Jesus as propitiation for our sins. He does look at our hearts, however, and if we're not following His way, trying to read His music, He must take action.
Jonah stopped playing the right song. He ran to the ship to Tarshish, and started belting out a solo - one that would be the biggest mistake of his life. He tried to rewrite the music.
Why did he try to rewrite the music? This is the key part.
Jonah 2:4 says, "...That is why I was so quick to flee to Tarshish. I knew that you are a gracious and compassionate God, slow to anger and abounding in love, a God who relents from sending calamity. "
Jonah started writing his own music because he knew that God was gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love. Jonah wanted judgement. God always desires mercy. Always. And God has been and is so faithful to show mercy and grace, that Jonah refused to obey God, knowing that God would come through and show the wickedest people of his time love and grace.
What a beautiful realization and understanding of our God. I may not always hit every note, but He knows....and He helps me along. He gives me that extra cue, and moves me to a section where I can only see Him. And if I start to get a little arrogant, and bust out into my own solo, He'll stop the music and draw my eyes back to Him, back to the music that He has written.
"I know that you are a gracious and compassionate God, slow to anger and abounding in love, a God who relents from sending calamity."
I'm not very good at playing clarinet. Oh but He knows.
8.03.2008
summer skin.
Summer Skin (Death Cab for Cutie)
"Squeaky swings and tall grass
The longest shadows ever cast
The water's warm and children swim
And we frolicked about in our summer skin"
This summer has been different. I've been in College Station working and taking 15 hours of summer school. It's been fun, though. I've loved being with a lot of my friends who are from here, and have enjoyed my roommates as well as building new friendships and deepening others.
Spontaneity has been the theme. Unpredictability, as well. Six months ago I would have never dreamed of calling Renee-nee one of my best friends :). And yet, now, I am so confident that she and I will live life together for a long time. And in a way, Mrs. Abby Perry replaced my previous friend that I had in Abby Anderson. Again, I never dreamed of having deeper prayer times with someone who shares my heart, passions, and even thoughts on life, and love, and Jesus.
Summer '08 has kept me on my toes. Spending an entire night in the ER with a friend I barely knew who busted his head open. We know each other now. Training for and running/biking a Duathlon. A huge challenge and hurdle for me. I can't wait for more. A new job doing graphic design.....my dream. This summer has been different, but good.
"I don't recall a single care
Just greenery and humid air
Then Labor day came and went
And we shed what was left of our summer skin"
Labor day hasn't come and gone yet, but it's ending. Summer, that is.
Last night I was privileged to attend a John Mayer concert. First of two concerts this summer, and it was fantastic. Spectacular. I feel almost as though many of his lyrics spoke to my memories as well as my hope for the future.
"just keep me where the light is."
"And you can't build a house of leaves
And live like it's an evergreen
It's just a season thing
It's just this thing that seasons do
And that's the way this wheel keeps working now
That's the way this wheel keeps working now
And you won't be the first
No you won't be the first
To love me"
"Good love is on the way/I've been lonely but I know, I'll be ok/Good love is on the way"
"Why is it not my time?/What is there more to learn?/Shed this skin I've been tripping in/Never to quite return"
There were more, but I'm trying to be brief. Dave Matthews is August 15, and I can't wait.
I realized last night at the concert, that Jesus can be found everywhere. Even there. Even in a stadium with shirtless John Mayer standing up on stage, singing his heart out about the love and life that's in his heart, not realizing the Truth in his words.
I'll be looking for Jesus at Dave Matthews too. We should look for Jesus everywhere.
"On the night you left I came over
And we peeled the freckles from our shoulders
Our brand new coats so flushed and pink
And I knew your heart I couldn't win
Cause the seasons change was a conduit
And we left our love in our summer skin"
The beauty of shedding summer skin, is that everything underneath goes with it. The summer is gone and past, and so is everything that came before it. "The seasons change was a conduit."
I'm ready for new. Goodbye summer skin.
7.23.2008
The City of Lost Girls.
I just recently found out about this injustice in Juarez, Mexico, right across the border from El Paso. I just can't stop thinking about how nothing has been done to stop the killings, and how it's right across our border.
I don't know how to help right now except to pray.
So please pray.
Here is a link to a documentary about the situation:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=lgfALPVnAew
I don't know how to help right now except to pray.
So please pray.
Here is a link to a documentary about the situation:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=lgfALPVnAew
7.14.2008
Dreams.
A quote from one of my favorite bands says this:
"Don't lose the dreams inside your head, they'll only be there til you're dead, dream..."
(Dave Matthews Band)
I've been thinking a lot about dreams lately - the ones I have for my life, the ones other people have for me, and the ones I know God has planned. I'm learning that as I grow up and mature, all of these dreams begin to resonate with one another, and I begin to find direction. It doesn't matter that I don't know where I'm going to end up, at least I have some sort of way to turn and follow (Isaiah 30:21 says, "Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, 'This is the Way; walk in it.'").
I firmly believe in purpose. Humans have all sorts of purposes in their lives. To me, purpose seems to compliment identity. My purpose as a daughter is to honor my parents. My purpose as a sister is to love my brother. My purpose as a roommate is to live in community and be a caretaker of my house. My purpose as a student is to study and learn to the best of my ability to obtain a degree. My purpose as an Aggie is to represent A&M and carry on the tradition. And the list could go on and on.
My purpose as a Christian is to know God and make Him known. Funny how our most important purpose seems the most ambiguous and hard to define. I'm learning that the point of our seemingly mysterious purpose is to focus on the purpose-Giver rather than the purpose itself. However, that purpose is important as well, because it is the Way we walk (see Isaiah 30:21 again. God whispers direction, but we walk in it.).
I'm watching people all around me drop their dreams (or purpose) for opportunities or blessings along the way. At first this seems legitimate; after all, isn't a good thing, a good thing? But what about your dreams? What about the things you hold in your heart, and maybe don't let anyone else see? The things that your body aches to see come to pass?
I'm learning that my age-old method of seeing one door close and waiting for a window to open may not be the right way. Dreams tend to unfold rather than open and close, so you only see part of it for a while. Sometimes I think it is good to close an open door in front of you to keep waiting for that other door that your heart tells you will open eventually.
Sometimes it is good to say no to what is in front of you, so that you can say yes to something later. Something better, maybe.
God is teaching me to let go of what's around me, search my heart for the dreams He has given me, and to cling to His promise of fulfilling His purpose for me. There are certain dreams I have that I know could have only come from Him, and He's teaching me to treasure them in my heart because they're from Him. And if I keep looking at Him, He'll either bring them to pass, or give me new dreams.
I'm just looking at Jesus, holding onto my dreams, and praying that He makes them His.
"Don't lose the dreams inside your head, they'll only be there til you're dead, dream..."
(Dave Matthews Band)
I've been thinking a lot about dreams lately - the ones I have for my life, the ones other people have for me, and the ones I know God has planned. I'm learning that as I grow up and mature, all of these dreams begin to resonate with one another, and I begin to find direction. It doesn't matter that I don't know where I'm going to end up, at least I have some sort of way to turn and follow (Isaiah 30:21 says, "Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, 'This is the Way; walk in it.'").
I firmly believe in purpose. Humans have all sorts of purposes in their lives. To me, purpose seems to compliment identity. My purpose as a daughter is to honor my parents. My purpose as a sister is to love my brother. My purpose as a roommate is to live in community and be a caretaker of my house. My purpose as a student is to study and learn to the best of my ability to obtain a degree. My purpose as an Aggie is to represent A&M and carry on the tradition. And the list could go on and on.
My purpose as a Christian is to know God and make Him known. Funny how our most important purpose seems the most ambiguous and hard to define. I'm learning that the point of our seemingly mysterious purpose is to focus on the purpose-Giver rather than the purpose itself. However, that purpose is important as well, because it is the Way we walk (see Isaiah 30:21 again. God whispers direction, but we walk in it.).
I'm watching people all around me drop their dreams (or purpose) for opportunities or blessings along the way. At first this seems legitimate; after all, isn't a good thing, a good thing? But what about your dreams? What about the things you hold in your heart, and maybe don't let anyone else see? The things that your body aches to see come to pass?
I'm learning that my age-old method of seeing one door close and waiting for a window to open may not be the right way. Dreams tend to unfold rather than open and close, so you only see part of it for a while. Sometimes I think it is good to close an open door in front of you to keep waiting for that other door that your heart tells you will open eventually.
Sometimes it is good to say no to what is in front of you, so that you can say yes to something later. Something better, maybe.
God is teaching me to let go of what's around me, search my heart for the dreams He has given me, and to cling to His promise of fulfilling His purpose for me. There are certain dreams I have that I know could have only come from Him, and He's teaching me to treasure them in my heart because they're from Him. And if I keep looking at Him, He'll either bring them to pass, or give me new dreams.
I'm just looking at Jesus, holding onto my dreams, and praying that He makes them His.
7.08.2008
Disenchanted
I haven't written in so long. I feel like I have a million disconnected thoughts running around in my brain, trying to form some pattern or semblance of a logical thought process. It's not that I haven't tried to write, because I have. I've sat in front of a blank computer screen with all of these ideas screaming at me, yet so incapable of creating the message that I'm feeling.
My writing progress seems to match my life right now. I can't really describe it, except that I feel like God has picked me up from one place in my life, and instead of being set down in a new place, I'm dangling in the air like one of those stuffed animals caught in the arm of a broken arcade. Don't get me wrong, it's exhilerating not knowing when I'm going to drop and be hurtled down to the collection slot; I can't wait to drop out and be taken by the next good thing that comes my way. At the same time it's hard to just sit up here, legs dangling.
The strange thing is, I'm not even holding on. My grip is loosened, and I'm at the whim and pleasure of a God that won't let me go until He's ready. Psalm 115:3 says, "Our God is in His heaven, He does whatever pleases Him." I've recited that verse a lot lately.
Another strange phenomenon is that I don't feel purposeless. In fact, I feel more purposed and satisfied now than ever before in my life. I feel disenchanted, in a way, to life and the things of this world, and my greatest awareness is Him, holding me up until He's ready to set me down in the place He wants for me.
That's one thing I've learned while dangling - that everything is nothing, and nothing is everything. He is all I need. The stuffed animals in the arcade machine have their friends while they're still in the machine, and they have a great kid to play with once their out, but while they're in the arm, they have nothing but the cold, plastic or metal arm. Okay, now I'm just being way too dramatic.
The difference here, is that I still technically have the things and people around me, I just don't see them as much. Or maybe I'm beginning to see them for what and who they really are - representations of another life, pictures of something bigger, and a taste of what's to come. Their purpose is to point us to Him, however, and never to replace Him.
To begin another metaphor, I feel as though I've left the dead of Winter, Spring has arrived and the seed in the ground is sprouting. But it hasn't broken through, yet. I do not know what will grow. All I have is hope.
On another level, we are all dangling in the arms of Jesus. We have been picked up out of the pit of sin and despair, and He is holding us until He can set us before His throne in Heaven. We can kick and scream and fight it, and maybe even fall back into the pit for a while, but He's going to pick us up again, and we'll be limp in His arms once again.
Maybe if we see this, we'll stop living like this life is the end, and we'll start living like it's only the beginning - full of hope. I long for my eyes to only see Jesus.
"Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." 1 Corinthians 13:12
My writing progress seems to match my life right now. I can't really describe it, except that I feel like God has picked me up from one place in my life, and instead of being set down in a new place, I'm dangling in the air like one of those stuffed animals caught in the arm of a broken arcade. Don't get me wrong, it's exhilerating not knowing when I'm going to drop and be hurtled down to the collection slot; I can't wait to drop out and be taken by the next good thing that comes my way. At the same time it's hard to just sit up here, legs dangling.
The strange thing is, I'm not even holding on. My grip is loosened, and I'm at the whim and pleasure of a God that won't let me go until He's ready. Psalm 115:3 says, "Our God is in His heaven, He does whatever pleases Him." I've recited that verse a lot lately.
Another strange phenomenon is that I don't feel purposeless. In fact, I feel more purposed and satisfied now than ever before in my life. I feel disenchanted, in a way, to life and the things of this world, and my greatest awareness is Him, holding me up until He's ready to set me down in the place He wants for me.
That's one thing I've learned while dangling - that everything is nothing, and nothing is everything. He is all I need. The stuffed animals in the arcade machine have their friends while they're still in the machine, and they have a great kid to play with once their out, but while they're in the arm, they have nothing but the cold, plastic or metal arm. Okay, now I'm just being way too dramatic.
The difference here, is that I still technically have the things and people around me, I just don't see them as much. Or maybe I'm beginning to see them for what and who they really are - representations of another life, pictures of something bigger, and a taste of what's to come. Their purpose is to point us to Him, however, and never to replace Him.
To begin another metaphor, I feel as though I've left the dead of Winter, Spring has arrived and the seed in the ground is sprouting. But it hasn't broken through, yet. I do not know what will grow. All I have is hope.
On another level, we are all dangling in the arms of Jesus. We have been picked up out of the pit of sin and despair, and He is holding us until He can set us before His throne in Heaven. We can kick and scream and fight it, and maybe even fall back into the pit for a while, but He's going to pick us up again, and we'll be limp in His arms once again.
Maybe if we see this, we'll stop living like this life is the end, and we'll start living like it's only the beginning - full of hope. I long for my eyes to only see Jesus.
"Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." 1 Corinthians 13:12
11.21.2007
LOVE WINS part deux
"Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds." William Shakespeare
Love wins. Everyday. Always. I know why it wins - the blood on the cross. But how? Practically speaking, in my life today and everyday, how does love win?
To answer this question, I quote William Shakespeare - certainly not the theological mastermind, however we cannot deny it when Truth is spoken, and he speaks it quite well in the following sonnet.
Sonnet 116
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
I've been struggling with explanation, when all I had to do was turn to Shakespeare's eloquent ideas on the topic. "Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds." So succintly yet poignantly stated. A love that changes in regard to the various objects of that love, is no love at all. Period.
So go live a love that doesn't change.
While I was brainstorming the practical applications of love "winning" in our lives on a day to day basis, I was hoping (as all writers do at one point in time or the other) to come up with a magical and thorough list of ways to love with a selfless and sacrificial lifestyle. I am learning, however, that there is no list. My love manifests itself very differently from yours, as does yours from your neighbor's. The only constant among all of our "loves" is that it is like Christ's; all of our love must transcend this world, be motivated by Christ, and have no desire to gratify ourselves.
So let us be centered on Christ and love in all the ways that He has gifted us. I can't necessarily tell you how, and you can't necessarily tell me how. Just follow Jesus and love. Let us live a love that does not alter "when it alteration finds," and let us lose ourselves while doing it.
Love wins. Everyday. Always. I know why it wins - the blood on the cross. But how? Practically speaking, in my life today and everyday, how does love win?
To answer this question, I quote William Shakespeare - certainly not the theological mastermind, however we cannot deny it when Truth is spoken, and he speaks it quite well in the following sonnet.
Sonnet 116
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
I've been struggling with explanation, when all I had to do was turn to Shakespeare's eloquent ideas on the topic. "Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds." So succintly yet poignantly stated. A love that changes in regard to the various objects of that love, is no love at all. Period.
So go live a love that doesn't change.
While I was brainstorming the practical applications of love "winning" in our lives on a day to day basis, I was hoping (as all writers do at one point in time or the other) to come up with a magical and thorough list of ways to love with a selfless and sacrificial lifestyle. I am learning, however, that there is no list. My love manifests itself very differently from yours, as does yours from your neighbor's. The only constant among all of our "loves" is that it is like Christ's; all of our love must transcend this world, be motivated by Christ, and have no desire to gratify ourselves.
So let us be centered on Christ and love in all the ways that He has gifted us. I can't necessarily tell you how, and you can't necessarily tell me how. Just follow Jesus and love. Let us live a love that does not alter "when it alteration finds," and let us lose ourselves while doing it.
11.14.2007
Brainstorming - love wins practically speaking
“Christianity can be built around isolating ourselves from evildoers and sinners, creating a community of religious piety and moral purity. That’s the Christianity I grew up with. Christianity can also be built around joining with the broken sinners and evildoers of our world crying out to God, groaning for grace. That’s the Christianity I have fallen in love with.”
“There is a movement bubbling up that goes beyond cynicism and celebrates a new way of living, a generation that stops complaining about the church it sees and becomes the church it dreams of.”
"Charity wins awards and applause, but joining the poor gets you killed. People do not get crucified for charity. People are crucified for living out a love that disrupts the social order, that calls forth a new world. People are not crucified for helping poor people. People are crucified for joining them."
"Jesus is pointing the church to her true identity -- she is to live close to those who suffer."
*All quotes by Shane Claiborne.
I have been thinking a lot about the body of Christ and its function as the church in the world, and I'm still thinking. These quotes illustrate my brainstorming as I think about "Love wins" and continuing thoughts about how that is lived out practically in our lives.
“There is a movement bubbling up that goes beyond cynicism and celebrates a new way of living, a generation that stops complaining about the church it sees and becomes the church it dreams of.”
"Charity wins awards and applause, but joining the poor gets you killed. People do not get crucified for charity. People are crucified for living out a love that disrupts the social order, that calls forth a new world. People are not crucified for helping poor people. People are crucified for joining them."
"Jesus is pointing the church to her true identity -- she is to live close to those who suffer."
*All quotes by Shane Claiborne.
I have been thinking a lot about the body of Christ and its function as the church in the world, and I'm still thinking. These quotes illustrate my brainstorming as I think about "Love wins" and continuing thoughts about how that is lived out practically in our lives.
10.25.2007
LOVE WINS
I was studying today, and my friend walked up to share a table with me. I paused to talk for a moment as she pulled out her laptop. The sticker on the cover read "LOVE WINS." Those words were all I could think about for the rest of the day.
Love wins. I have a friend who calls me no matter how long it's been since the last time we've talked. She will often call me three or four times before I call her back. I would think that she would be so frustrated with me by now. We laugh about it when we get together. Her love is greater than my shortcomings. It always wins.
Love wins. I was locked out of my house the other day, and at 1:30 in the morning, I woke up my roommate who had a test the next day to let me in. The next morning, she gave me a huge hug as usual, as if I had never been thoughtless enough to forget my key and selfish enough to disturb her sleep. She never fails me.
Love wins. I say this not because I see it overcoming all in my life, because I definitely don't love like my two friends do. I say this because these words are weighted with hope - hope that my battles are not in vain.
Sometimes I feel like I'm fighting so hard to love others, and sometimes I'm fighting to let others love me. Other times, I'm just fighting for God's love to penetrate my hard heart and warm me from the inside out. It seems in vain. It seems like I'm losing all the time. I feel like I'm never reaching the full potential of love.
That's just the thing, though. I'm not reaching the potential. My efforts are in vain. I am losing - to Love, that is.
I'm realizing every day that Love wins; it wins me. In my battles, I am fighting so hard to live and love, when ironically I'm losing to a Love that is taking me over. It's like I'm swimming towards the boat, trying so hard to get inside so I can start making progress, so I can start moving forward in life, and all He wants me to do is stop and drown - drown in the waves of His Love.
It's so contradictory to what I've thought all my life. I've constantly chased after this life I think He wants me to live, and He wants me to stop and let Him consume me. He wants me to stop fighting and let Love win. And I've thought all along I had to "reach the boat" to get to the Love and where I can finally act out of that Love. I just need to give up and let Love wash over me - over, and over, and over again. And then let the tide take me where He wills.
Stop swimming for the boat. Drown. Let the water seep into my lungs until they're so full that it hurts to breathe. I will die, that is for sure.
But Love wins.
Love wins. I have a friend who calls me no matter how long it's been since the last time we've talked. She will often call me three or four times before I call her back. I would think that she would be so frustrated with me by now. We laugh about it when we get together. Her love is greater than my shortcomings. It always wins.
Love wins. I was locked out of my house the other day, and at 1:30 in the morning, I woke up my roommate who had a test the next day to let me in. The next morning, she gave me a huge hug as usual, as if I had never been thoughtless enough to forget my key and selfish enough to disturb her sleep. She never fails me.
Love wins. I say this not because I see it overcoming all in my life, because I definitely don't love like my two friends do. I say this because these words are weighted with hope - hope that my battles are not in vain.
Sometimes I feel like I'm fighting so hard to love others, and sometimes I'm fighting to let others love me. Other times, I'm just fighting for God's love to penetrate my hard heart and warm me from the inside out. It seems in vain. It seems like I'm losing all the time. I feel like I'm never reaching the full potential of love.
That's just the thing, though. I'm not reaching the potential. My efforts are in vain. I am losing - to Love, that is.
I'm realizing every day that Love wins; it wins me. In my battles, I am fighting so hard to live and love, when ironically I'm losing to a Love that is taking me over. It's like I'm swimming towards the boat, trying so hard to get inside so I can start making progress, so I can start moving forward in life, and all He wants me to do is stop and drown - drown in the waves of His Love.
It's so contradictory to what I've thought all my life. I've constantly chased after this life I think He wants me to live, and He wants me to stop and let Him consume me. He wants me to stop fighting and let Love win. And I've thought all along I had to "reach the boat" to get to the Love and where I can finally act out of that Love. I just need to give up and let Love wash over me - over, and over, and over again. And then let the tide take me where He wills.
Stop swimming for the boat. Drown. Let the water seep into my lungs until they're so full that it hurts to breathe. I will die, that is for sure.
But Love wins.
4.20.2007
I like the word paradox.
Paradox, n. - any person, thing, or situation exhibiting an apparently contradictory nature. I'm a thinker by nature, and yet somehow this semester the Lord has been teaching me to be a "be-er." He's been asking me not to think but to do and be everything that I am in His presence. So as I pause for a moment and think about the past couple of months that I have struggled to "just be," I realize how much I don't know, how so many things are so confusing, and how it just encourages me to continue "being." Ironic - after "being," I try to think about what it means "to be" and it draws me to "just be" some more. And that's paradoxical.
In fact, life is paradoxical. Nothing is as it seems, and yet everything is as it seems. When I hear others describe me, they see me as a risk-taker, as someone who is passionate about life and adventure, someone who laughs a lot, someone who has difficulty facing the facts, someone who has a hard time crying in front of people, someone who studies a lot, someone who over-analyzes things, etc. And I am all of those things, but I'm also afraid of almost every risk I take, and afraid of getting out of my comfort zone, and sometimes laugh to cover up what I'm really thinking, and someone who knows the facts but likes to pretend. I'm a paradox. We're all paradoxes.
Does this mean that we're not being real? I don't think so. We're all afraid of things, and yet we spend our lives trying to conquer the fears. Someone who is brave probably has more fears than most of us because they have more fears to conquer. Someone who hates what the American church has become, and yet still goes to church and sits in the audience dissatisfied and bitter is a paradox. Someone who abhors violence on TV and speaks out against the media and yet goes and sees violent movies is a paradox. Life is a paradox, in fact, because the things we see as beautiful often are not, and the things we immediately discard are sometimes the biggest treasures of all.
So what can we do? How can we live honestly in this world of sin where paradoxes are abundant and disproving our arguements and inclinations?
The greatest paradox of all time was Christ's death on the cross. This one event was the most beautiful and the most terrible thing that has ever happened in all of history, and that will ever happen. Terrible because of the intense suffering of a perfect and beautiful man whose Love never fails, and beautiful because of the hope and assurance it gives us. Also beautiful because it proves that Jesus is real...it proves that our paradoxical lives are beautiful because Jesus died for us the way we are. Our filth and beauty is wrapped up in one and He loves it all. He loves it ALL. He died for it all.
My response to this amazing and terrible act is to just live. I don't need to question why He endured suffering and yet made it a beautiful sacrifice at the same time, I just need to respond to the great show of Love. I don't need to question life, and love, and why things happen, and what hope we could have, I just need to live and to love and to let His will happen and to have in hope in this great God who created life the way it is - this great God who lets the pain happen with the beauty.
So let us live and love and have hope. Don't throw caution to the wind, but trust that He is sovereign. Embrace the life He has given - just as it is. Embrace the beauty, but don't forget to embrace the pain. "I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead." (Philippians 3:10-11)
Nothing matters except to "know Christ...the power of his resurrection...the fellowship of...his sufferings" so that we can live in the paradox of His amazing Love. It is everything that it appears to be, but it is also so much more, because His love is driven to us by the weight of His suffering.
He desires that we "just be," that we understand His love and grace and that we live in that, and that we seek to know Him intimately in the midst of a life that doesn't make perfect sense. Know Him - know His love, but also know His pain. Let it envelop you, because when we see Him like this, life becomes something we live in for, through, and because of Him.
This all may seem jumbled; after all, these are paradoxes we're talking about...but basically He wants to consume me, and consume you, and consume us, by letting us partake in His suffering and Love. This is why we're here. To be His, to know Him, and to then Love. That's all.
In fact, life is paradoxical. Nothing is as it seems, and yet everything is as it seems. When I hear others describe me, they see me as a risk-taker, as someone who is passionate about life and adventure, someone who laughs a lot, someone who has difficulty facing the facts, someone who has a hard time crying in front of people, someone who studies a lot, someone who over-analyzes things, etc. And I am all of those things, but I'm also afraid of almost every risk I take, and afraid of getting out of my comfort zone, and sometimes laugh to cover up what I'm really thinking, and someone who knows the facts but likes to pretend. I'm a paradox. We're all paradoxes.
Does this mean that we're not being real? I don't think so. We're all afraid of things, and yet we spend our lives trying to conquer the fears. Someone who is brave probably has more fears than most of us because they have more fears to conquer. Someone who hates what the American church has become, and yet still goes to church and sits in the audience dissatisfied and bitter is a paradox. Someone who abhors violence on TV and speaks out against the media and yet goes and sees violent movies is a paradox. Life is a paradox, in fact, because the things we see as beautiful often are not, and the things we immediately discard are sometimes the biggest treasures of all.
So what can we do? How can we live honestly in this world of sin where paradoxes are abundant and disproving our arguements and inclinations?
The greatest paradox of all time was Christ's death on the cross. This one event was the most beautiful and the most terrible thing that has ever happened in all of history, and that will ever happen. Terrible because of the intense suffering of a perfect and beautiful man whose Love never fails, and beautiful because of the hope and assurance it gives us. Also beautiful because it proves that Jesus is real...it proves that our paradoxical lives are beautiful because Jesus died for us the way we are. Our filth and beauty is wrapped up in one and He loves it all. He loves it ALL. He died for it all.
My response to this amazing and terrible act is to just live. I don't need to question why He endured suffering and yet made it a beautiful sacrifice at the same time, I just need to respond to the great show of Love. I don't need to question life, and love, and why things happen, and what hope we could have, I just need to live and to love and to let His will happen and to have in hope in this great God who created life the way it is - this great God who lets the pain happen with the beauty.
So let us live and love and have hope. Don't throw caution to the wind, but trust that He is sovereign. Embrace the life He has given - just as it is. Embrace the beauty, but don't forget to embrace the pain. "I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead." (Philippians 3:10-11)
Nothing matters except to "know Christ...the power of his resurrection...the fellowship of...his sufferings" so that we can live in the paradox of His amazing Love. It is everything that it appears to be, but it is also so much more, because His love is driven to us by the weight of His suffering.
He desires that we "just be," that we understand His love and grace and that we live in that, and that we seek to know Him intimately in the midst of a life that doesn't make perfect sense. Know Him - know His love, but also know His pain. Let it envelop you, because when we see Him like this, life becomes something we live in for, through, and because of Him.
This all may seem jumbled; after all, these are paradoxes we're talking about...but basically He wants to consume me, and consume you, and consume us, by letting us partake in His suffering and Love. This is why we're here. To be His, to know Him, and to then Love. That's all.
3.29.2007
Fullness in Christ
"For in Christ all the fullness of the Deity lives in bodily form, and you have been given fullness in Christ, who is the head over every power and authority." Colossians 2:9-10
If we have been given fullness now, why do we always feel like we're waiting for something? I know I do. God has brought me to a place where I am satisfied in Him...not that I never struggle, but I consciously seek to choose satisfaction. And at the same time, He's not teaching me any huge lessons right now. I feel as though I'm just living day to day with Him - like it's becoming predictable almost. And I get antsy.
One of my blessings and curses is that I am a dreamer. I love to think and imagine adventure and an exotic life. So this "limbo" that I feel that I'm in is hard. I feel like I'm stuck in a rut, and my struggle is to want change.
I want to become less dependent on some people, and more dependent upon others. I want to get online less and read more. I want to talk less and pray more. But my tendency is to think that I have to be somewhere else to learn these things. God is teaching me that it may be harder, but through Him I can learn these things here...surrounded by the things I want to let go of. After all, "all the fullness of the Deity lives in bodily form, and you have been given fullness in Christ."
We must trust that we are "full." I am full right now, and the "head over every power and authority" lives in me...so in my weaknessess, He is strong, no matter where I am, no matter what I'm doing. He reigns in me. He reigns in you. It's so easy to say that, and so hard to feel the weight of that statement. I don't need to move away from the things that I need to let go of in order to let them go. I need to trust that He has placed me here purposefully, and will give me the strength to let go in His timing. It's just hard, and when you feel that you're in that place of "limbo," it's time to trust Him and take that step, here and now.
God is patient, but He wants to stretch me, so He's not going to relocate me to make me trust Him...He's going to wait. He's going to wait for me to take a step away from the things that surround me, and a step towards Him. He's not a cheap God who throws Himself at us; He pursues, but then He waits for He is worthy of our Love.
So this waiting period is not indicative of God's action in my life, it's indicative of my action in His. It's time to move towards Him now, rather than waiting for a more conducive environment. God is here and now and His fullness is in me. What better time or place?
If we have been given fullness now, why do we always feel like we're waiting for something? I know I do. God has brought me to a place where I am satisfied in Him...not that I never struggle, but I consciously seek to choose satisfaction. And at the same time, He's not teaching me any huge lessons right now. I feel as though I'm just living day to day with Him - like it's becoming predictable almost. And I get antsy.
One of my blessings and curses is that I am a dreamer. I love to think and imagine adventure and an exotic life. So this "limbo" that I feel that I'm in is hard. I feel like I'm stuck in a rut, and my struggle is to want change.
I want to become less dependent on some people, and more dependent upon others. I want to get online less and read more. I want to talk less and pray more. But my tendency is to think that I have to be somewhere else to learn these things. God is teaching me that it may be harder, but through Him I can learn these things here...surrounded by the things I want to let go of. After all, "all the fullness of the Deity lives in bodily form, and you have been given fullness in Christ."
We must trust that we are "full." I am full right now, and the "head over every power and authority" lives in me...so in my weaknessess, He is strong, no matter where I am, no matter what I'm doing. He reigns in me. He reigns in you. It's so easy to say that, and so hard to feel the weight of that statement. I don't need to move away from the things that I need to let go of in order to let them go. I need to trust that He has placed me here purposefully, and will give me the strength to let go in His timing. It's just hard, and when you feel that you're in that place of "limbo," it's time to trust Him and take that step, here and now.
God is patient, but He wants to stretch me, so He's not going to relocate me to make me trust Him...He's going to wait. He's going to wait for me to take a step away from the things that surround me, and a step towards Him. He's not a cheap God who throws Himself at us; He pursues, but then He waits for He is worthy of our Love.
So this waiting period is not indicative of God's action in my life, it's indicative of my action in His. It's time to move towards Him now, rather than waiting for a more conducive environment. God is here and now and His fullness is in me. What better time or place?
2.11.2007
Love is dying.
I think about love a lot, and yet I think it's one of those abstract ideas that I still have a hard time grasping. It's a trait that has been twisted and misunderstood in our world by Satan because it is so powerful. The fact that God is love is the reason why Satan is going to be vanquished. Why wouldn't he twist our view of it so that we don't fully understand and live in the power of the great love of our God?
If God IS love, meaning He actually equals it, what does that mean? God = love. What else is God? He is just, righteous, holy, merciful, gracious, etc. The list could go on. He is also angry, full of wrath, and to be feared. One of my good friends told me the other day that whatever God is, He is ALL of that; everything in Him is acting on it. For example, God is love, so all of God's being is behind being "love." So all of God's being is also behind being powerful, just, merciful, wrathful, etc. He's not halfway loving and halfway just; He is everything He is, all the time.
Now I'm going to draw on my many years of math. If God = love and God = just, then according to the Transitive Property of Equality, love = just. So if this is true, then love is also equal to all of the other qualities that God embodies. So love is just, holy, righteous, merciful, kind, gracious, full of wrath, patient, etc. and to be feared.
This is hard to imagine. One reason, is that in our limited view of God, we only see certain aspects of His character at certain times; we don't have the full picture. "Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." (1 Corinthians 13:12) It's easy to look at His interaction with Mary and Martha and see love, His cleansing of the court of the gentiles as evidence of His wrath, his tears at the death of Lazarus as compassion, etc. But to see and experience all of Him all at once is hard to imagine. And yet that's what He's saying Love is; if Love is Himself, then Love should be all of these things all at once. How do we see it then? How can we ever love if we only see a small picture?
I believe that we have one instance where all of God was evident all at once, so evident that it moved God to turn His back on His own son. So evident that the entire earth was affected, being cloaked in darkness. When Christ died, we see God's wrath and anger towards sin in the world, His mercifulness to relieve us of the death we deserved, His grace to give us the free gift of eternal life, His holiness that He could not look as His perfect son died in shame, His righteousness that the sinner on the cross next to Him could not deny, and His awe - the earth shook and the veil was torn because of His death. And of course love - love so great that God's only son would die for us. All of Christ was there on that cross when He died for us.
So what is love? It is dying - dying to everything I am, just like Christ died to everything He had, "becoming obedient to death, even death on a cross." (Philippians 2:8) Love is dying to my pride and any and all desires I have. It's dying to the things that hurt me as well. For me, to love is to act as though I have nothing to lose - to treat others and serve them with no regard to protecting myself, and with no fear of being hurt. I am, after all, dying, and I don't hear of beautiful and painless deaths too often.
Dying is rough; it's hard to bear. As should love be. It's painful, and I think we often candy-coat it. But when we see that love is dying, and encompasses all of the characteristics of Christ, it is so rich. It becomes a beautiful sacrifice, rich in the blood of Christ. C.S. Lewis described it like this:
"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket--safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."
I must love others, even if who they are hurts me. I must love others for who they are at that moment. I must love change even if I think I will suffer. If we should love, then we must die, for love cannot be experienced to the full without a death to ourselves and the things we hold onto to preserve us. And the ones that share this kind of love, this all-encompassing love that never fails, know the love of Christ, because they die daily with Him. "Then he said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me." (Luke 9:23)
If God IS love, meaning He actually equals it, what does that mean? God = love. What else is God? He is just, righteous, holy, merciful, gracious, etc. The list could go on. He is also angry, full of wrath, and to be feared. One of my good friends told me the other day that whatever God is, He is ALL of that; everything in Him is acting on it. For example, God is love, so all of God's being is behind being "love." So all of God's being is also behind being powerful, just, merciful, wrathful, etc. He's not halfway loving and halfway just; He is everything He is, all the time.
Now I'm going to draw on my many years of math. If God = love and God = just, then according to the Transitive Property of Equality, love = just. So if this is true, then love is also equal to all of the other qualities that God embodies. So love is just, holy, righteous, merciful, kind, gracious, full of wrath, patient, etc. and to be feared.
This is hard to imagine. One reason, is that in our limited view of God, we only see certain aspects of His character at certain times; we don't have the full picture. "Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." (1 Corinthians 13:12) It's easy to look at His interaction with Mary and Martha and see love, His cleansing of the court of the gentiles as evidence of His wrath, his tears at the death of Lazarus as compassion, etc. But to see and experience all of Him all at once is hard to imagine. And yet that's what He's saying Love is; if Love is Himself, then Love should be all of these things all at once. How do we see it then? How can we ever love if we only see a small picture?
I believe that we have one instance where all of God was evident all at once, so evident that it moved God to turn His back on His own son. So evident that the entire earth was affected, being cloaked in darkness. When Christ died, we see God's wrath and anger towards sin in the world, His mercifulness to relieve us of the death we deserved, His grace to give us the free gift of eternal life, His holiness that He could not look as His perfect son died in shame, His righteousness that the sinner on the cross next to Him could not deny, and His awe - the earth shook and the veil was torn because of His death. And of course love - love so great that God's only son would die for us. All of Christ was there on that cross when He died for us.
So what is love? It is dying - dying to everything I am, just like Christ died to everything He had, "becoming obedient to death, even death on a cross." (Philippians 2:8) Love is dying to my pride and any and all desires I have. It's dying to the things that hurt me as well. For me, to love is to act as though I have nothing to lose - to treat others and serve them with no regard to protecting myself, and with no fear of being hurt. I am, after all, dying, and I don't hear of beautiful and painless deaths too often.
Dying is rough; it's hard to bear. As should love be. It's painful, and I think we often candy-coat it. But when we see that love is dying, and encompasses all of the characteristics of Christ, it is so rich. It becomes a beautiful sacrifice, rich in the blood of Christ. C.S. Lewis described it like this:
"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket--safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."
I must love others, even if who they are hurts me. I must love others for who they are at that moment. I must love change even if I think I will suffer. If we should love, then we must die, for love cannot be experienced to the full without a death to ourselves and the things we hold onto to preserve us. And the ones that share this kind of love, this all-encompassing love that never fails, know the love of Christ, because they die daily with Him. "Then he said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me." (Luke 9:23)
1.25.2007
"...where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom."
2 Corinthians 3:17 says, "Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom." Where the Spirit of the Lord is. In the Old Testament, the Spirit of the Lord annointed Kings and Judges. The Spirit of the Lord also left them, as in Saul's case (1 Sam. 16:14). This verse in 2 Corinthians also insinuates that there is a place where the Spirit of the Lord is, and a place where He is not. And yet throughout the Bible it talks about "the Spirit of the Lord has come upon him" as if God chose to release His spirit at that moment. Almost seems as if He gives and takes away the Spirit outside of our control. And yet in 2 Corinthians Paul makes it clear that where the Spirit of the Lord is, is a place to dwell, for freedom is where the Spirit of the Lord is.
So how do we get there? Mark 1:8 tells us that Jesus baptizes with the Holy Spirit. Luke 11:13 says, "If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him!" We ask, and He gives it to us. So we must only have a willing heart to receive His gift.
Why wouldn't we ask, then? I believe we are proud. We think we know God, and we think we know what He wants, so then we go do it - maybe asking Him for strength, maybe not, but we neglect the notion that we can do no good thing unless His spirit is present. NO good thing!
The Holy Spirit is SO important, that Jesus said it was BETTER for Him to leave us, so that we could receive the Counselor. John 16:7 "But I tell you the truth: It is for your good that I am going away. Unless I go away, the Counselor will not come to you; but if I go, I will send him to you." John goes on to say in verses 13-15, "But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come. He will bring glory to me by taking from what is mine and making it known to you. All that belongs to the Father is mine. That is why I said the Spirit will take from what is mine and make it known to you."
Jesus is saying that it is better for us to have the Holy Spirit right now! I would have thought that having Jesus here on earth would be the best possible scenario, but Jesus is saying, no. He is saying that He must leave for us to have access to the power of His Holy Spirit. If Jesus is saying that having the Holy Spirit among us right now is better that having Him walk on earth with us at this time, how powerful must His Spirit be?!?! So are we living where the Spirit of the Lord is? Are we living in freedom because of this great gift?
John says that the Spirit speaks. Do we listen? He says that the Spirit reveals truth from Jesus and the Father. Are we understanding? Romans 14 talks about the weak and the strong. It follows passages where Paul talks about the commandments and the law of the Old Testament being replaced by the New: "Love your neighbor as yourself." He talks in Romans 14 about eating, but is referring to different lifestyles. Verse 3 says, "The man who eats everything must not look down on him who does not, and the man who does not eat everything must not condemn the man who does, for God has accepted him." Being bound by the law is not experiencing freedom in the Spirit. Even being bound by your own laws! Romans 14:22 says, "...Blessed is he man who does not condemn himself by what he approves." "...where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom."
Romans 14:17-18 says, "For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit, because anyone who serves Christ in this way is pleasing to God and approved by men." The Kingdom of God is life in the Spirit! Matthew 6 talks about seeking first His kingdom, and not worrying. Life in the Spirit is directly linked to faith and trust.
Brennan Manning said in one of his books, "Some people play with Gospel imagery, mesmerize you with word games. They believe what they are sying and persuade others to belief. But the ideas stay lodged in their intellect and the words stay caught in their throats. Beautiful head trips are all they are. They never internalize mercy. They never risk, they never leap in trust, they never surrender to reckless confidence. The worst sin in their lives is that they exempt themselves from grace."
If I truly lived in the Spirit, I would believe unshakingly in His grace. And if I truly believed in my need for His grace, and His gift of it to me, then all I could do all day is bow humbly at His feet in worship. Brennan Manning describes the faith of a child: "Being a child...mean't letting go of my expectations of some mountaintop experience. It mean't abandoming myself to what was really happening."
Life in the Spirit is time-sensitive. It means I must be able to move at any moment to follow His whispering. It means I must be like a child, and only be in tune with what's in front of me and happening right now. It does not mean being ignorant of the rest of the world and our responsibility, but it does mean looking at where God has put you, and listening to the Spirit in that moment. Getting lost in the now and the here so that Christ is most glorified here and now.
How do we find it? Ask. Seek the Lord more than we seek His commands. Seek His face even more than we seek the lost around us. When we seek Him, He brings us to the place He wants us to be, and the people He wants us to be with. Seeking Him is more than a Bible study, or weekly evangelism, or church on Sundays. Seeking Him is waking up saying, "Lord, I'm here at Texas A&M today. I want this day to be yours. I am willing to do whatever the Spirit desires. Show me what that is." And then listen. The Spirit speaks. Listen to it well, for there is freedom in the Truth, direction, and power of the Spirit. "Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom."
So how do we get there? Mark 1:8 tells us that Jesus baptizes with the Holy Spirit. Luke 11:13 says, "If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him!" We ask, and He gives it to us. So we must only have a willing heart to receive His gift.
Why wouldn't we ask, then? I believe we are proud. We think we know God, and we think we know what He wants, so then we go do it - maybe asking Him for strength, maybe not, but we neglect the notion that we can do no good thing unless His spirit is present. NO good thing!
The Holy Spirit is SO important, that Jesus said it was BETTER for Him to leave us, so that we could receive the Counselor. John 16:7 "But I tell you the truth: It is for your good that I am going away. Unless I go away, the Counselor will not come to you; but if I go, I will send him to you." John goes on to say in verses 13-15, "But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come. He will bring glory to me by taking from what is mine and making it known to you. All that belongs to the Father is mine. That is why I said the Spirit will take from what is mine and make it known to you."
Jesus is saying that it is better for us to have the Holy Spirit right now! I would have thought that having Jesus here on earth would be the best possible scenario, but Jesus is saying, no. He is saying that He must leave for us to have access to the power of His Holy Spirit. If Jesus is saying that having the Holy Spirit among us right now is better that having Him walk on earth with us at this time, how powerful must His Spirit be?!?! So are we living where the Spirit of the Lord is? Are we living in freedom because of this great gift?
John says that the Spirit speaks. Do we listen? He says that the Spirit reveals truth from Jesus and the Father. Are we understanding? Romans 14 talks about the weak and the strong. It follows passages where Paul talks about the commandments and the law of the Old Testament being replaced by the New: "Love your neighbor as yourself." He talks in Romans 14 about eating, but is referring to different lifestyles. Verse 3 says, "The man who eats everything must not look down on him who does not, and the man who does not eat everything must not condemn the man who does, for God has accepted him." Being bound by the law is not experiencing freedom in the Spirit. Even being bound by your own laws! Romans 14:22 says, "...Blessed is he man who does not condemn himself by what he approves." "...where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom."
Romans 14:17-18 says, "For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit, because anyone who serves Christ in this way is pleasing to God and approved by men." The Kingdom of God is life in the Spirit! Matthew 6 talks about seeking first His kingdom, and not worrying. Life in the Spirit is directly linked to faith and trust.
Brennan Manning said in one of his books, "Some people play with Gospel imagery, mesmerize you with word games. They believe what they are sying and persuade others to belief. But the ideas stay lodged in their intellect and the words stay caught in their throats. Beautiful head trips are all they are. They never internalize mercy. They never risk, they never leap in trust, they never surrender to reckless confidence. The worst sin in their lives is that they exempt themselves from grace."
If I truly lived in the Spirit, I would believe unshakingly in His grace. And if I truly believed in my need for His grace, and His gift of it to me, then all I could do all day is bow humbly at His feet in worship. Brennan Manning describes the faith of a child: "Being a child...mean't letting go of my expectations of some mountaintop experience. It mean't abandoming myself to what was really happening."
Life in the Spirit is time-sensitive. It means I must be able to move at any moment to follow His whispering. It means I must be like a child, and only be in tune with what's in front of me and happening right now. It does not mean being ignorant of the rest of the world and our responsibility, but it does mean looking at where God has put you, and listening to the Spirit in that moment. Getting lost in the now and the here so that Christ is most glorified here and now.
How do we find it? Ask. Seek the Lord more than we seek His commands. Seek His face even more than we seek the lost around us. When we seek Him, He brings us to the place He wants us to be, and the people He wants us to be with. Seeking Him is more than a Bible study, or weekly evangelism, or church on Sundays. Seeking Him is waking up saying, "Lord, I'm here at Texas A&M today. I want this day to be yours. I am willing to do whatever the Spirit desires. Show me what that is." And then listen. The Spirit speaks. Listen to it well, for there is freedom in the Truth, direction, and power of the Spirit. "Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom."
11.30.2006
Walking in the Dark
I'm learning a lot these days. A lot about life, and what it's supposed to look like, and who I'm supposed to be. I look at myself a lot - sometimes in a good way, to discern where I'm going wrong, and how far the Lord has brought me, and sometimes in a bad way, to criticize or on the other extreme uphold too highly. I look at other people a little - sometimes in a good way, to see how each person is beautiful, and really is beautiful, and sometimes in a bad way, to compare to myself or to others. I look at God, too, but not as often it seems.
Today, I was realizing, as I was looking at Him, and thinking on Him, that the other things (myself and others) look better in light of Him. This may seem like a well-known truth, but I find it so easy to forget. Who is better than the Lord? No one, I say. When I look to the Lord, my heart is glad, and the people I see are beautiful, and not just because I'm saying that they are, but because they ARE! And I am beautiful, not just because I say that I am, but because I am!
The Lord sheds light on all things, and in that light we see truth. Truth is beautiful. Honesty is beautiful. In Him, all things are beautiful, and all things are possible, and all things are made new. When I pursue Him in today, not in tomorrow, not in where I'm going to be in 10 years, but today, right now, in the next hour, I am exactly where I'm supposed to be. I can see what He wants me to see, how He wants me to see it, and the action He wants me to take as a result.
It's like walking in the dark where all I can see is my hand in front of my face. That's all I need to see. That's all I need to know. That's where my heart should be - in today and right now.
Today, I was realizing, as I was looking at Him, and thinking on Him, that the other things (myself and others) look better in light of Him. This may seem like a well-known truth, but I find it so easy to forget. Who is better than the Lord? No one, I say. When I look to the Lord, my heart is glad, and the people I see are beautiful, and not just because I'm saying that they are, but because they ARE! And I am beautiful, not just because I say that I am, but because I am!
The Lord sheds light on all things, and in that light we see truth. Truth is beautiful. Honesty is beautiful. In Him, all things are beautiful, and all things are possible, and all things are made new. When I pursue Him in today, not in tomorrow, not in where I'm going to be in 10 years, but today, right now, in the next hour, I am exactly where I'm supposed to be. I can see what He wants me to see, how He wants me to see it, and the action He wants me to take as a result.
It's like walking in the dark where all I can see is my hand in front of my face. That's all I need to see. That's all I need to know. That's where my heart should be - in today and right now.
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