I haven't written in a long time. Maybe because I've been busy living. Maybe because I haven't had time to think. Maybe because I've been neglecting my heart and it's dweller - Jesus Christ. I prayed out loud yesterday for the first time in a long time, and it felt strange. Honestly, I felt like I was talking to a stranger. I know I wasn't. I know that He loves me and cares for me, but it felt different. I felt like I had a lot to say, a lot to talk about, and so the little things I wanted to say and converse about were unimportant sitting next to the great travesties of thoughts that needed to be discussed. I felt like Jesus was saying, "Why are we talking about the food you're about to eat, and about the safety of you and others when we need to talk about our friendship?"
My guess is that we all do this. We all get super busy with life that we hurry along and "pray" throughout our days, but we don't really ever sit at His feet, quiet, listening. I feel like Jesus knows a lot of what's going on in my heart and life, but I don't really know what's going on in His. Yesterday I felt the weight of that - the weight of coming before Him and not knowing His heart. The weight of realizing that I need Him so much, and I've been acting like I didn't.
Needing Him - this is different from reading a passage of scripture in the morning, going to church, leading a Bible study, going to a Bible study, praying for friends, thanking Him for blessings, etc. Needing Him is allowing Him to change me, to pour life-giving wisdom into me, to rejuvenate me, to redeem me, every single day I'm alive.
I've been going on fumes, and I just ran out of gas. It only works for so long, you know, and then you die. And then it's like, there aren't even words to speak to explain what's going on inside. I feel empty. I slept for 15 hours last night, and I'm pretty sure that was a physical representation of my spiritual state - weary because I've neglected Him filling my cup. "Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks" (Luke 6:45), and my mouth has nothing to say because my heart is empty.
And life just keeps getting bigger. He is faithful, though, and my weary heart and mind are clinging to that thread of truth midst the tatters of threads that I have neglected and even unraveled. I am determined to get out of this dry place. Ironically and satisfyingly enough, however, there is nothing I can do to get myself out except rest - rest in His arms and let Him pour out His strength and love over me. From that place, I can be more diligent about being in His word and being His friend.
I guess I share this so that friends can hold me accountable, but also to encourage you that there is no place too dry, no place too silent, no place too despairing that He cannot come and lift you from. He fills, He speaks, He redeems, until my cup overfloweth.
Praise this wonderful God, from whom all blessings flow.