the end.

This year is about to end. 2009 will kick it, and 2010 will be here before we can even say goodbye.

It's been a good year, I'd say. It's had its ups and downs for sure...they all do. I think I grew up this year, though. Maybe. I'm starting to wonder if we grow up more every year. There must be a lot of room for growth then because we are never grown up if we are always growing up. I'll try not to get discouraged. I guess grown ups are no fun anyways.

I thought about doing a year in review and going through some old things I'd written, picking and choosing my favorites. I've already shared those things, though. I realized that a more accurate reflection of my year would be to share something that I wrote but never posted...because I was too scared that people wouldn't understand it or wouldn't see what I was saying, or they would think it was too abstract.

Well here goes. I wrote this at the beginning of summer '09.

"When it happens what do you say? Do you look around you for the words, or find them hiding behind you, creeping like the past? Or do you glance ahead into the darkness of uncertainty and fumble around for a sentence that makes sense? It's a haze that wasn't self-induced, and it clouds the vessels surrounding your heart as you try to beat out a rhythm that rhymes. And as the blood puddles, leaving your severed arteries, you cry, and you search the recesses of your mind for one glimmer of light to give meaning to the sound coming out of your mouth. Who do you love? Who fills your mind as your body empties out onto the ground? Breathe your last few breaths and feel the oxygen burn your lungs, and as you gasp, find the strength to say that name. But what if your speech doesn't echo back, and your wayward voice is lost in the canyons that give no return for what they took from you. What if the wind forgets the author when it carries the message? The message falls on deaf ears, and no answer comes. The darkness taunts, "Pick a new name." But what if there is none. What if that was the only one. Please, God, no. Help me find a new name."

This image came to me when I was thinking about people being on their death beds (morbid? just bear with me). You always see in the movies where someone is dying and they ask for one person. They may be in the room. They may have to be found. Sometimes they haven't spoken to this person in years. But for some reason, this one person comes to their heart as they lie there dying. Love. They love this person. Their love is so strong that no matter what grievances they share, in their desperation, they cry out for that one person to comfort them as they die.

I would say that everyone has that person, that name, that they would ask for. And of course, in the movies, that person who was called comes running to the bedside, restitution is made, kisses are shared, and the person dies in peace. What struck me, though, were the times that I know someone has called out for their love, but that love was not returned. What if you were dying and the only name their heart wanted didn't want them back? Who else could they call for? Maybe no one.

This idea scares me more than anything else, I think. I don't want to leave this feeling depressed, though, because I am not. And I haven't been. It just makes me think. It has made me trust God more and more. We may not have tomorrow. We may not have tonight. But we're never really alone, even if we think we are. He is with us more than we'll ever know. But also, it has made me cherish the people around me - the people who I don't know if I'll see again tomorrow, because we never know. It's the simple things in life we need to learn to be thankful for. The little things.

Dave Matthews says, "Take these chances, place them in a box until quieter times, lights down you up and die."
I'm gonna take these chances and cherish this life and the people I love. I am so so blessed.

recently i've been all of content and dreaming.

For the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men.

Who am I to ever question God? The things that I see happening that I think are foolish or crazy, if they are from the Lord, they contain more wisdom than my mind can grasp.

For consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were considered wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth.

This semester I've been learning to trust that God knows what He's doing. I'm waiting to hear back from P.A. school, and it's nerve-wracking at best. The world is going to tell me if I'm good enough to get into their schools. Based on my worldly achievements (or lack of), I'm going to receive or be rejected admission into grad schools. I have often felt lacking, but have had to remember that God knows what's good for me. Also, in the real world where most of my friends have boyfriends, fiances, husbands, and even babies, I've had to rest in the fact that He knows exactly what I need. I'm not lacking because I'm single, I'm just right here right now. The world may say there's something wrong with me if I'm not "in a relationship," but I have to believe that God has a better plan for me, and perfect timing. Worldly standards mean nothing.

But God has chosen what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are..

I'm so glad that I am not measured by things of the world. I'm glad that my life can appear foolish and weak to men, but be exactly what God wants for me.

..so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. And because of him you are in Jesus Christ, who became to us wisdom from God, righteousness and sanctification, and redemption, so that, as it is written, "Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord."

It's funny how forgetting myself and boasting in the Lord brings such relief from pressure and anxiety. Nothing I do that is measured by the world matters. All I do is for Him and His sake, and all that He provides is perfect and in perfect timing. His plan for me, however foolish it might seem, is absolutely perfect. Dave Matthews has a song called Recently, and the lyrics say "Recently I've been, all of content and dreaming I have been...people stare and we just ignore everything, people stare and we just ignore them, and they go away, go away."

I like the foolishness of God, because it lets me rest easy. It lets me enjoy the life He's given me, and wait expectantly for the joys and blessings He has for me.

Recently I've been all of content and dreaming...and I'm looking forward to much more :).