something new.

Well, a lot has happened since I've last written:

• I finished my first year of Grad school.
• I went to Zambia with CLASP, an organization bringing Speech Therapy to the children of Zambia.
• Got a new roommate to add to our apartment of fun.
• Moved apartments on maybe the hottest most humid day of the summer.
• Speaking of heat, survived the Dallas heat run of who knows how many days in the triple digits.
• I met a new friend.
• I started dating aforementioned new friend.
• I fell in love with my new friend.
• November 4, 2011, my friend asked me to marry him. I'm ENGAGED!

His name is Jake Finch, and he's the biggest blessing in the world. Everything I imagined in a man and more! And especially all of those things I didn't imagine and never knew I needed. We know that the Lord has blessings for us in store, but it's hard to really know until you've seen those blessings.

I find myself in amazement all the time that God has seen me, has chosen to bless me, and has given me someone to share life with the way He has intended life to be shared - fully, passionately and abundantly.

It is the end of a chapter, and the beginning of an adventure - wedding planning, house hunting, rejoicing, stressing, honeymooning, etc. I couldn't have asked for a better sidekick (or maybe I'm the sidekick and he's the hero...). I couldn't have asked for a better hero to lead the way. I also couldn't have asked for a better family to join forces with, and likewise, my family has opened their arms to him. It's so good!

With the end of a chapter, I'll be getting something(s) new. A new name for one. A new life as two become one and I die to self and become a part of someone else's life and we create a new life together. With that newness comes the end of just me, and the end of this blog. And I can't say that I'm disappointed. 

Looking back, my posts have chronicled joys and sorrows, struggles and victories, and just thoughts that I've had about faith, life, learning and love. These have been journeys of me and the Lord, working out my faith and the workings of my heart. I cannot tell you how wonderful it will be to pick up where I leave off and have someone's hand to hold along the way, someone's brain to pick at every hour of the day/night, someone's shoulder to cry on when I don't understand, and someone to rejoice with me and the Lord in the joys of life. Someone to walk with me toward Christ while we live here on earth, and someone who I know will be with me in Heaven forever worshipping our King.

Wow.

I'm floored. I'm thankful that the Lord did not require me to wait too long, but I'm also thankful that He gave me the patience and contentment while I was waiting. Not that it wasn't hard, but I slowly learned that He would be faithful to me and bring good things to my life, making my life a picture of His love and faithfulness.

And that is what I proclaim with Jake as we take this next step - I proclaim with such joy and gladness that the Lord is faithful! Our God is faithful, and He loves us much.

*I'm still a Buckner for now and will continue current updates here, but stay tuned for a new blog coming soon!!!

my cup overflows.

I haven't written in a long time. Maybe because I've been busy living. Maybe because I haven't had time to think. Maybe because I've been neglecting my heart and it's dweller - Jesus Christ. I prayed out loud yesterday for the first time in a long time, and it felt strange. Honestly, I felt like I was talking to a stranger. I know I wasn't. I know that He loves me and cares for me, but it felt different. I felt like I had a lot to say, a lot to talk about, and so the little things I wanted to say and converse about were unimportant sitting next to the great travesties of thoughts that needed to be discussed.  I felt like Jesus was saying, "Why are we talking about the food you're about to eat, and about the safety of you and others when we need to talk about our friendship?"

My guess is that we all do this. We all get super busy with life that we hurry along and "pray" throughout our days, but we don't really ever sit at His feet, quiet, listening.  I feel like Jesus knows a lot of what's going on in my heart and life, but I don't really know what's going on in His. Yesterday I felt the weight of that - the weight of coming before Him and not knowing His heart. The weight of realizing that I need Him so much, and I've been acting like I didn't.

Needing Him - this is different from reading a passage of scripture in the morning, going to church, leading a Bible study, going to a Bible study, praying for friends, thanking Him for blessings, etc. Needing Him is allowing Him to change me, to pour life-giving wisdom into me, to rejuvenate me, to redeem me, every single day I'm alive.

I've been going on fumes, and I just ran out of gas. It only works for so long, you know, and then you die.  And then it's like, there aren't even words to speak to explain what's going on inside. I feel empty.  I slept for 15 hours last night, and I'm pretty sure that was a physical representation of my spiritual state - weary because I've neglected Him filling my cup.  "Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks" (Luke 6:45), and my mouth has nothing to say because my heart is empty.

And life just keeps getting bigger. He is faithful, though, and my weary heart and mind are clinging to that thread of truth midst the tatters of threads that I have neglected and even unraveled.  I am determined to get out of this dry place.  Ironically and satisfyingly enough, however, there is nothing I can do to get myself out except rest - rest in His arms and let Him pour out His strength and love over me.  From that place, I can be more diligent about being in His word and being His friend.

I guess I share this so that friends can hold me accountable, but also to encourage you that there is no place too dry, no place too silent, no place too despairing that He cannot come and lift you from.  He fills, He speaks, He redeems, until my cup overfloweth.

Praise this wonderful God, from whom all blessings flow.

single women, part 4: on purpose.

It's taken me longer to think about this post because of its delicate nature. Why are we here? There is a different array of answers for each of us, and I don't want to presume that I know why you're here and what your higher calling is in life. All of us are called to glorify God through Jesus Christ in our life. All of us. How we do that, however, is up to us and the freedom we experience in following Jesus.

I've been talking about single women, but really, I think all believers - men, women, singles, married folk, etc. - should ask themselves questions about their purpose, how they spend their time, and to what end they are working towards. You see, a single woman is merely a follower of Christ, just like a married woman is, just like a married man is.

In my broken quest to glorify the Lord, I have found that the number one influence on my walk with the Lord is how I spend my time.  Ephesians 5:15-17 says this, " Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is." Our time here on earth is important! It is valuable to His kingdom. We should not be foolish, but understand the will of the Lord, and do it. James tells us not to be hearers of the word but doers, otherwise we deceive ourselves (1:22).

The Bible is also very clear about wasted time. Proverbs 6:9-11 says, How long will you lie there, O sluggard? When will you arise from your sleep? A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest, and poverty will come upon you lie a robber, and want like an armed man." 1 Peter 5:8 says, "Be self-controlled and alert. You're enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour."  2 Timothy 2:15 says, "Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who has no need to be ashamed, rightly handling the word of truth."

I share scripture instead of my own thoughts because I want to highlight the fact that everyone's call is different - everyone is created uniquely and with specific qualities and talents meant to bring God glory.  What works for me may not work for you, and vice versa.  Legalism is me taking what I do to bring God glory and confining you to that structure.  You were made to glorify God just the way you are! Just how He intended - living freely in the power of Christ Jesus in you.

In my life, I have found that freedom in purpose comes from great discipline - discipline of mind, body, and soul. Ben Stuart said in one of his talks that "Freedom is a train on its tracks."  I agree wholeheartedly. One of my life verses is 1 Corinthians 9:24-27:

Do you not know that in a race all the runner run, but only one receives the prize?

So run that you may obtain it. Every athlete exercises self-control in all things.

They do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable.

So I do not run aimlessly; I do not box as one beating the air.

But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others

I myself should be disqualified.

Whatever it takes - to live a holy life, to walk humbly, to act justly, to show mercy, to give grace, to love freely, to forgive without question. For me, it takes strict discipline in every aspect of my life, from what I eat, to how I take care of myself physically, to what I watch on television, to what I talk about with my friends, to how I fill my time, etc. I could go on and on. I definitely fail every single day, but these are the choices I strive to make to make my life pleasing to God, whether I'm single or married. 

A lie we fall into is "Well, I'll take care of that struggle when I get married and have help." Or, "I'll fix this when (insert anything) day comes."  Jesus is here and now; redemption has happened, sanctification is occurring, every second of every day. Praise Jesus for that. Our time is important to Him. Let's let Him fill our time, making it productive, fruitful, and glorifying.

This post is part of a series on being a single woman. The introduction is found here - single women. Please post comments, thoughts, stories, questions, etc. The next post is going to be a little different. As suggested by one of the readers, I am going to look at what it looks like to be pursued as a Godly woman.

single women, part 3: holy longings.

Longing (verb): having a strong wish or desire.

I would say that's Biblical.  God longed for redemption for His people and so He sent Jesus.  Jesus longs for intimacy with His children and so He gave His life and left us the Holy Spirit. Longings. Holy longings. What about longing for marriage?

Marriage is ordained by God. Biblical marriage is blessed by God.  Marriage is good. Longing for good things blessed and ordained by God is good.  Amen.  I used to think that I hadn't "trusted the Lord with my singleness" because I was still wanting to be married.  That is a false belief system that I will try to explain with the following story.

All my life I have been longing to do missions, particularly overseas. Yes, there is something exotic about the idea of adventures around the world, but also He has commanded us to go and tell the nations about Him. I want to do that.  I wanted to do it so badly sophomore year of college that I made myself sick - trying to figure out when and where, manipulating situations, jumping at every thought and opportunity, and anxiously fearing that I would never get to go.  I was physically sick from trying to control my desires.  I was miserable.

In a sermon I heard during that time, the pastor talked about having an open hand on our desires - open, so that the Lord could give and take away as He pleases (Job). I reluctantly relinquished my tight grip and stored up my desires in my heart.  They never went away, but the Lord faithfully taught me to hold tightly to only Him, so that then He could take me where He wanted me to be.  (I call this effect "growing down" in my own sort of lingo.)

Friends, the Lord is faithful.  I encourage each of you to read Psalm 139 and read it slowly. Let the Truth sink in. He knows your longings.  There isn't a thought in your mind, or a wish in your heart that He has not seen and noted.  And He loves you. Oh, how He loves you.

This summer, I will be going to Africa to do Speech Therapy and minister to the people there.  Speech therapy - a field I unenthusiastically joined, but joined due to the unmistakeable call of God towards it.  A field that I thought I was giving up dreams to be a part of. I thought that God was taking away some of my longings that were laid out in my open hands, when in fact, He was just asking me to trust Him. Praise Jesus.

Marriage, my friends, is just another opportunity to trust Jesus and then let Him astound and bless you.  It's okay to long for it, as long as we are trusting Him with that longing. Keep it in those open hands.  It's hard to add things to a closed fist. Let's not let our tight grip prevent us from receiving the blessings God wants to give us.

single women, part 2: guard your heart = what?

With this post I'm continuing a series I began on being single. The first two posts are listed below in case you want to catch up.  Feel free to just jump right in though!

1. single women - an introduction

2. single women, part 1: i'm single because i was born that way

I want to preface this next one with something I read on a post by my friend, Hannah (her blog and post can be found here). I am not looking down on or trying to lessen the joy and blessing of marriage with my thoughts on singleness. In fact, I hope to do the opposite. I have friends who are richly blessed in marriage, and then I have friends who are richly blessed in singleness. The grass is never greener on the other side; each gift has their own challenges and victories. My goal, really, is to talk about satisfaction and contentment in the Lord no matter what your status or station may be.  I am not waving the "singleness" flag with no thought for my married friends, and with careless regard to the fact that I may and probably will get married someday. "Singleness" is not an idea to rest in or be comforted by - Jesus is. This isn't a battle cry for independence and a false sense of freedom. These are Truths that have helped me remain content, and that I long to see others taking hold of and believing. Only through a relationship with Christ will peace be found.

Well that was longer than I had expected so let's just move along to a verse that is almost preached at young girls when they are nearing the age of relationships: Proverbs 4:23 "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it."

This verse is not talking about dating relationships. I'm sorry, it's just not. A father is instructing his son to keep wisdom in his heart, to love and cling to understanding, and to heed his instruction.  This verse is talking about how important it is to guard what goes into our hearts, and to be careful what we train our hearts to love.  In that sense, it can be applied to dating, but how? "Guard your heart" is such an abstract idea.

Several of my guy friends wisely told me this: "Girls should not start liking a guy until he has made it clear that he is interested in pursuing them." Wow. I'll even back it up with scripture. Song of Solomon has this phrase in it three times! "Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires." That seems pretty clear to me. It's a command!

I'll say it again just so we can really think about this - girls should not start liking a guy until he has made it clear that he is interested in pursuing them.  Let's break this down, because let's be honest, we ladies are smart and we like to find loopholes.  What do you mean "liking a guy?"  Friendship? Encouraged! Admiration? Even more encouraged. Respect? Yes!  We should look at the men around us and see the good in them, admire the Lord in them, and respect their Godly decisions.  Affection? Hmm, maybe. I think that some relationships with friends can share affection in a brotherly/sisterly fashion with no harm done, but this is rare and you start walking a fine line.  Attention? Stop right there.

I think where we fall into a trap is when we start desiring their special attention. Or we start taking time to think about how we can be with them and capture their attention. And then we start daydreaming about consuming their attention.  The only thing that should consume our minds and hearts like that is the Lord and his wisdom, his instruction, and his leading.

Why do they call it "wooing?"  Because our hearts as women are secure and not freely given away.  Or they should be.  The man must pursue to get to know a heart, to win it over!  When we "like" a guy before he has done that, there is no pursuit, no "winning," no victory for him when he finally gets to his prize. And what a prize it is when he has labored for it! The victory is cheap when it is handed to him.

My last thought on this is that desiring someone's attention gives the devil a foothold in our lives.  Our hearts are consumed with this one thing and we no longer have the energy or the time to fight the sin battles that we are meant to fight. This time of undivided attention to the Lord is the perfect time to let Jesus refine us - show us our imperfections and then patiently work through them. Let's not let our attention be divided among suitors who haven't even knocked on our door yet.

This post is part of a series on being a single woman. Please post comments, thoughts, stories, questions, etc. Next post on "holy longings." Thanks for reading!

"I'm single because I was born that way." (Mae West)

August 26
"Dear Lord, please begin to prepare me for my future husband and prepare him for me that we might be perfect for each other when we meet."

September 7
"Lord please help me to be like Hosea. Help me to obey you without question. Help me to not try and figure out my husband at such an early age. Allow him to come to me when it is the right time."


These are excerpts from my journal that I wanted to share with you. Unbelievably enough, they were written in 1998. I was twelve years old when I started praying about getting married. I admire my intentions, however my mind was in the wrong place at the wrong time.  Matthew 6 charges us to not worry about tomorrow, and here I was worrying about years down the road!

I share this with you only to stress the fact that this has been a struggle all of my life.  I used to daydream about adventures with my "prince" where we would ride off into the sunset. You only think I'm kidding.  Every extreme you can think of, I dreamt it up in my wild imagination and let it carry me into the clouds.  I write, today, as a changed woman, only by the grace of God, but changed wholeheartedly nonetheless.  The new perspective and wisdom that I now live by came with great heartache, more than just a little resentment, and much discipline.  The heartache was not necessary, and I could have definitely used without the resentment, but the practice was absolutely vital.  It takes great care to replace lies with Truth, and great perseverance.

The Lord has been trying to teach me true satisfaction in Him, but it wasn't until after I had let a boy break my heart for the nth time that I was finally ready to listen.  This was just this past year, actually, over Spring Break. I listened to two sermons that rocked my world...literally.  It was the perfect pairing of me being broken and ready for filling, and Truth being readily available. I challenge you to listen to them with an open mind and a soft heart.  It is a two part series called Single-Minded (Parts 1 & 2) from the Village Church in Dallas, focusing on who God says we are.

Since then, the Lord has been teaching me how He feels about singleness. He loves it! Paul says that singleness is a gift, and that marriage is a gift, and teaches us to be thankful and productive with our respective gifts - not to desire the other gift, and not to remain idle in any place. I'm tired of hearing "your time will come soon." What time? What if I don't have a "time?" Am I defective? And I didn't realize "time" came for only a certain set of people. Doesn't time just keep coming no matter what?

1 Corinthians 7 talks about how we should live, be it single or married. The gift of singleness is that we can serve the Lord with a single-mind. Our only concern is what the Lord wants. How beautiful is that! And yet as singles (most of us), we roll into church 30 minutes late, waste time sitting on our couch with TV dinners, use our independence and money to vacation more, play more, and consume more. We should be early to church - greeting, serving in the nursery, teaching Sunday school, etc. because we have time! We should stay late because we don't have kids to pick up, lunch to make for our family, and 4x the amount of laundry to do on Sunday afternoon.

1 Corinthians 7:29-31 says, "What I mean, brothers, is that the time is short. From now on those who have wives should live as if they had none; those who mourn, as if they did not; those who are happy, as if they were not; those who buy something, as if it were not theirs to keep; those who use the things of the world, as if not engrossed in them. For this world in its present form is passing away." This world is not our home! Our kingdom is an everlasting kingdom, so why waste time and emotions wishing we were in another state on this earth? If we should wish for anything, it should be to dwell with our King! Psalm 16:6 says, "The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance."

Indeed, we are richly blessed as we are. A word of caution: do not become self-entitled or too independent as a result.  I think as women we fall into the trap of thinking that until we have a husband, we submit to no man.  That is wrong.  Our lives are a constant and daily discipline in submission to our Lord (more on the practical application of this in later posts).  We lose all perspective that we might have gained when we take our freedom and live for ourselves.  Sadly, this is the mindset that our world operates under.

I did not read or see "Eat, Pray, Love," but I don't think I'm going to.  It is a story of selfishness and self-entitlement that women fall prey to. The idea that we can make a future for ourselves is ridiculous!  Women, we have a beautiful inheritance, NOT a fortune to be made for ourselves.  Author and speaker Marian Jordan has a great response to this skewed mindset here on her blog for Redeemed Girl Ministries.

A question I often ask myself these days is this: If I never marry (and yes, I really mean never), will I live as a person truly satisfied in the Lord? My answer to this is difficult, but it is a quiet and firm "yes." Why? How could I say that when as a little girl, all I dreamed of was a husband? Look what my Savior has said! My status as a single woman is a gift. I have a delightful inheritance. It is better for me to remain single at this time, because the "world in its present form is passing away." Yes, I am lonely...often!  And yet He is always there in the midst of that loneliness, reminding me of my calling to serve as His daughter..."How beautiful upon the mountains are the feet of him who brings good news, who publishes peace, who brings good news of happiness, who publishes salvation, who says to Zion, 'Your God reigns.'" (Isaiah 52:7)

Practice believing these Truths. Practice stepping out in trust, in joy, and in faith. Soon enough, you'll be doing it, and the satisfaction of being in God's will and seeing His blessings in your life far outweighs the earthly satisfactions of this world. The Lord may call you out of singleness, but that is His decision and all in His timing. Rest in His presence at the present hour, and love being there.






This post is part of a series on being a single woman. The introduction is found here - single women. Please post comments, thoughts, stories, questions, etc. Next post on guarding your heart and what that really means. Thanks for reading!

single women.

As the school semester winds down, I find myself already looking for something to devote time to. I have been lax with my writing (mostly due to busyness, but partially due to lack of discipline), and I want to remedy that. My solution - begin a series.

I have many friends who are happily married, and many friends who are still single, including myself. Sharing in their struggles to maintain joy and perspective has inspired much prayer and thought, and I would like to share some of the musings I have on the subject, as well as concrete Truths that the Lord has taught me. My sources will be cited and range from scripture, to sermons, to studies, to conversations with mentors. My hope is that this will be more than just posts that I write - I would love for this to be an interactive process, where you comment, add to, and question the things I say, as well as suggest a topic for the last post which is to be determined by the readers.

The first post will arrive Monday, December 20, and the rest will follow at about 1-week intervals. Let me know what you think, and invite others to join in the conversation! Guys, I'm not excluding you, and would love to hear your thoughts on what I have to say as well.

1. born single. what God says about being single.
2. guarding your heart. what that really means and looks like.
3. holy longings.
4. purpose, part one. what to do with your time.
5. purpose, part two. wasted time.
6. keeping joy. despite your circumstances, or others' circumstances around you.
7. _________. to be decided by you!

carpe diem.

Carpe diem.

Seize the day.

Not seize tomorrow, or seize the future.

Seize the day.

I refuse to believe that what I have now is not good enough.
I refuse to believe that this day was not ordained, and is not full of His blessings.
I refuse to believe that I am not effective with the Gospel.

God, make me thankful. Make me aware. Make me ever-ready to do your work....today.

birthday bliss.

I really like birthdays! Unlike my bff Amanda Scott, who hates birthdays...or just hates getting older. Somehow, on my birthday, nothing can go wrong.

Today is living up to that deal. So far (and it's only 8 am), I was woken up by aforementioned roomie and friend, went to Starbucks, got a wee pink birthday donut, the lady at the counter sang me the chuckecheese birthday song, and then came home to my other roomie Jennifer Perry offering me breakfast. Last night, as a preview, I got to go see Ray LaMontagne live in concert (thanks roomies!).

Good days need playlists, so here's a sampler of what I'll be listening to. Check them out and enjoy them yourselves:



Such Great Heights by The Postal Service
God Willin' & the Creek Don't Rise by Ray LaMontagne & The Pariah Dogs
We Were Free by Priscilla Ahn
Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd
Rhythm of Love by Plain White T's
Ice on Her Lashes by Brooke Fraser
Over the Rainbow (Glee Cast Version)
Something Beautiful by Needtobreathe
Sittin' On the Dock of the Bay by Otis Redding
Bread & Water by Ryan Bingham
The Musical Priest by The Blackthorn Project
The Lighthouse's Tale by Nickel Creek
Almost Everything by Wakey!Wakey!
Just Say Yes by Snow Patrol
Are We There Yet by Ingrid Michaelson
And So It Goes by Ernie Halter
The One I Love by David Gray
House of Gold by The Secret Sisters

impressions.

Advice can be heeded or not, but impressions stay with you, no matter what. Here are some lasting impressions that just haven't left my heart. Funny, how sometimes they come from the most unsuspecting people.

You can't let what other people think bother you if you know that you're doing the right thing in the right place. - my Dad


Excel at the revealed. - Abby Perry (via Ben Stuart, but I associate this with her)


You're choices aren't between what's good and bad, they're between what's good and best. Don't settle for good when you can have the best in life. - my wonderful Mother


This next one is so good I'm going to quote it directly.
"Sarah Elizabeth, just because you think you like him now, doesn't mean you should act on it. In two weeks, you're not going to like him anymore." - brother Ben (and he was usually right..)


If God wants it to happen, it will happen, and me trying to convince everyone what God's will is for me is not going to change that. You just have to be patient and wait. - again, Ben


You've got Daddy's (God's) credit card! Why not pray big things? - Lauren Lust


There isn't anything you can do to make God love you more, and there's not anything you can do to make Him love you less. - again, L.L.


Getting into a relationship should be the easiest part of it. Later on, that's when it's hard work, so starting off should just fall into place. - Travis Maddry (my impact partner who just mentioned this in conversation one day...i can't tell you how often i've thought about it)


Don't do anything I wouldn't do... - my Mom...now I tell it to her :)


God has already forgiven you. You saying "you're sorry" reconciles your relationship to Him, but it doesn't change your status - you are His child and He loves you. - my Dad


Loving someone unconditionally means loving them even if they reject Christ. It means loving them not just to convert them, but to truly love them. - Mason McGahen (changed my idea of what unconditional love is)


LOVE WINS. - bumper sticker


You can always go farther than you think you can. - Tiffany Garrett (i think she said this when we were running one time, but i've seen her live it and that is what has made a lasting impression on me)


You don't need to have kids right when you get married. Marriage is hard enough the first few years; don't complicate it more than you have to. - Cary Plunkett :)


There have been many more, these are just the ones that pop into my mind the most. So, thank you, friends, for leaving me with a lasting impression that has encouraged me and pushed me to live more obediently and more like Christ. This last one probably took me the longest to understand, but has been the easiest to remember. So I'll leave you with my Dad's profound simplicity - be mysterious.

countdowns.

7 days until my birthday.

18 days until I'm in Austin with friends and family.

20 days until Thanksgiving.

34 days until the school semester ends.

44 days until I get to go home for the holidays.

49 days until Christmas Eve.

50 days until Christmas.

57 days until the New Year.

time flies.

belief.

Last week I was sitting at home alone with a free evening ahead of me, indecisively pondering how I was going to spend it.  I was surfing the internet mindlessly, when all of a sudden I had an incredibly strong craving for popcorn.  Not just any popcorn, but warm, buttery movie popcorn.  Of course, I grabbed my keys, and headed to AMC.

The movie? Why, Secretariat, of course. Every birthday wish that I can remember was spent on having my own horse. I remember considering wishing for a car on my 16th birthday, but at the last minute I resorted to my default and once again, blew out those candles thinking of a horse.

All that to say, I love horses, and so obviously, I'm going to want to go see this movie. Not only do I love horses, but I love the Triple Crown - the trifecta of horse racing! I can talk about the winners of the past few years, the upsets, and the near misses. I just love it.

Secretariat was an incredible horse, breaking records that people today only dream of their horses breaking. He still holds the track record for the Belmont Stakes, the third race in the Triple Crown. He raced in 1973, and 37 years later he is still the champion. What is even more gripping about his story is the seemingly unfounded belief that his owner, rider and trainer had in him.  All they had as their foundation was that his bloodline showed promise and that he was proving to be a good horse.

While watching the movie, I realized a profound and yet unmistakable truth.  I watched as these people risked everything they had on their belief that Secretariat was a great horse.  He was the underdog, he had a female owner in a world of men, a washed up trainer, and an old jockey.  The estate of the owner's father rested on the success of Secretariat.  I wanted to be nervous for them, but I already knew the ending, so I sat back and enjoyed the suspense all the way up to the climax.  It struck me, though, that they didn't know how it was going to end.  They risked everything they had on their belief, knowing that they could have lost everything. What great faith.  What great courage.  They were fighting hard for a win.

I immediately thought of us believers - risking everything we have in this world on our belief in a Savior who rules another kingdom.  But we're different.  We know the ending.  We aren't fighting hard for a win, we are fighting for belief that we do actually win, and that we have already won.  The stakes change when we realize this great truth.  Our fight is not for the end result, it's for the ability to cling to the truth we know in this present moment.

So sit back and enjoy the suspense all the way up to the climax, but don't quit the fight because we've already won.  Cling to faith because you know the ending, and you know the reward.  I may have known that Secretariat would win, but I didn't know how.  It was awesome.  He won the Belmont by 31 lengths.  I was on the edge of my seat the whole time, not because I was unsure of his upcoming success, but because I was thrilled to be a witness to such a grand victory.

We have a bloodline that cannot be questioned.  We have a Victor who cannot be defeated.  We have a race that cannot be lost.  But belief is what we're fighting for, and what we must cling to.  The second we stop believing in the power of our kingdom, we miss out on the thrill of the victory.

prime seating & a pen.

The Growth of a Soul, a book about the life of Hudson Taylor. What a great name. What a great life! I wonder what a book about my life would be named...

...I can't even think of clever quips. Nothing symbolizing the (not so) dramatic ups and downs, and of course, the symbolic "climb" to the top of my molehill that somehow felt like a mountain in the process. How naive of me. How little I have truly accomplished!

I wonder if Hudson Taylor felt that way at 23 (nearly 24). All I can think of at the moment is that I have impeccable taste in music and a nasty habit of speaking my mind (even when I don't know what I'm talking about, unfortunately). And those are hardly book titles. More like poorly worded reviews, actually.

The point of this is not to pity myself, or have you pity me, for that matter. It's an overly dramatic attempt to set up for the next part of this entry. I think they call that good writing building a climax. The point of this is to tell you how thankful I am for a God that lavishes His love upon me, even when I'm ungrateful, especially when I'm unworthy, and in spite of my blind eyes.

The point of this is to tell a story - a story I was so appropriately reminded of this evening as I walked into a coffeehouse, fighting back tears, rounding the corner to find my favorite spot vacant, as if waiting for me. I am certain that it was.

Sophomore year of college, during the Fall semester, I drove up to Starbucks on Northgate to study for Organic Chemistry. I was exhausted. I had so much to do. I was headed to get caffeine and close the place down. All I wanted to do was go home. I was frustrated with being in school, being in such a rigorous course as O-Chem, and was struggling to see the point with a degree when all I wanted to do was get married, move overseas, and share Jesus with people around the world (oh how my perspective has changed and yet my dreams grown stronger).

I persisted, pulling up to Starbucks in the dark, bitter and yet resigned, and all the while angry at God. I thought to myself, and to Him, I better get my favorite seat by the window when I get in there. He was, after all, indebted to me since I was doing this "school thing" against my wishes, albeit with a bad attitude. As I collected my things, I realized that I had failed to bring an essential to working out chemical reactions and figuring equations - a pencil. I didn't even have a pen. Maybe someone in there will have a pen I can borrow, I thought. And then I retorted, glancing upwards, you'll just have to do something about that too!


I trudged inside, glancing around for an empty seat. Rounding the corner, to my smug satisfaction, I saw my favorite table open. Smug, because I dismissed this act of God as a fluke, throwing Him an ungrateful and insincere, thanks. I threw my stuff on the table, and just as I was about to address my pencil crisis, something in the windowsill caught my attention.

A pencil, you say? No. See, in my arrogance, I would have dismissed that as readily as I had the vacant table. No. There was no pencil in the window. Instead, there was an unopened package of pens and highlighters. I don't remember my exact response at that moment, but right now I blush and tear up at the thought of my insolence. I remember being shocked. Humbled beyond belief. Mostly, though, I felt undeserving.

The kind words of my sweet Father flooded my mind as I held that package of pens and highlighters. My child. Do you see how I answer even this, the least of your requests? Even tonight, the ones you so carelessly threw in my direction? Do you see how I have responded and provided? And how do you think, if I have answered these paltry requests, how do you think I will respond to greater needs you require, and greater requests on behalf of others? Of your family? Of your friends? Of the lost?


I had no words. I still have no words today. Today, as I walked into the coffeehouse, broken and feeling dejected, with only self-centered thoughts coursing through my mind, I didn't even have the impudence I had 4 years ago to throw up spiteful requests. I said nothing to Him. And as I rounded that corner and saw my table waiting for me, this story hit me like a brick.

Child, He says, I answer even when you do not ask. "How great is the love the Father has lavished upon us, that we should be called Children of God" 1 John 3:1. It truly is great.

I forget to share this story. I forget it because I am a sinner, but also because the devil cringes when I remember it, and when I tell it. It is a crystal clear representation of the goodness and faithfulness of our Father. And a reminder for us to pray, even when we don't feel like it. It's a reminder that He always hears us, and always listens.

Hudson Taylor was a great man because he prayed great prayers that God answered. Great things happened because of the prayers He prayed and the answers He received. That is the legacy I long for.

I still don't know what my book would be called, but I have an idea about what I'd like for a subtitle. She always had the ear of her Father. Because I do. I have His love too, and it is abundant and faithful. I pray that I always remember that. I pray that you are encouraged by my story, because it is just as true for you. He will always meet you where you are, providing exactly what you need, even if that need is prime seating and a pen.

all in.

are you ready?

will you go all in?

because when that gun fired, the first runner shot from the block, committed to going all in.

fingers, gripping the baton.

legs, straining with forward motion.

arms, pumping to keep momentum.

face, grimacing with pain and intensity.

feel the fire.

it's coming for you.

are you ready?

will you go all in?

think hard but not too long.

the baton is nearly ready to be passed.

will you take it?

it must not be dropped.

carried by martyrs and saints before you,

they died to bring it this far.

will you take it farther?

prepare for the burning you will feel in your legs.

nothing compared to the fires that may engulf you like those before you.

stretch out your hand in the flames and grasp the light that they bore - and do not drop it.

they died to bring it to you, will you not do the same?

forget the pain. keep pushing onward. remember the sacrifices they have made and make the same. when it gets too hard, cry out to the Father who knows the pain and suffering you bear. cry out in anguish and He will hear you - He will give you strength. cry out on behalf of the ones that will come after you. pray that they will see the light, and be strong.

do not stop.

do not slow down.

do not rest until your eyes catch sight of the runners ahead, or until the flames tear you down.

only then, release your grip on your dispatch, entrusting it to faithful hands that will continue on the path.

only then, rest in the arms of the Father who sent you.

hello, fall.

We welcome it back every year, with a skip in our step and a grin on our face. How wonderful to feel the cool breeze and the warm sun, and have the earth enriched in tones of red and orange. The world just looks coated in a dusky hugh cast by the warm sun, ironically cooling temperatures in preparation for winter. Fall.

It surprises me every year. The long, hot summer in this part of the world begs me to forget what its cool breeze offers. Memory of spring melts in the heat of summer, and the memory of fall has long since been replaced by the reality of salty sweat dripping down my face. And then, suddenly, as if out of nowhere, the sizzling sidewalks are carpeted in beautiful leaves, and the sun no longer scorches, but beams kindly.

Astonishing and yet predictable, fall follows summer every year. I know this, and have known this since grade school. Somehow still it catches me by surprise. If only, in the dead and still heat of August, I would learn to anticipate and hope for the Fall that is just peeking around the corner. Instead, I dread stepping outside, and am short-sighted enough to only see the heat waves rising on the ground right in front of me.

What a travesty! How blind are my eyes? How faulty is my memory? How typical is my soul?

The goodness of the Lord comes as assuredly as Fall, and yet, once again, I fail to see it for the miry pit I am in. How blind are my eyes? How faulty is my memory? How typical is my soul? His goodness has come to me time and time again, and yet, each new blessing comes as a surprise, and in between blessings I lose hope.

Oh for a soul that waits expectantly for the wonders of Fall! Oh for a soul that waits expectantly for Him! He will come.

I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.

Psalm 27:13

new loves.

1. Children. Not that I didn't like them before, but I'm slowly beginning to realize that I like them more than I thought.

2. Chick-flicks. Crazy, huh? I love them. Maybe because I'm no longer jealously pining over the hollywood fairy tale, but I just really enjoy watching people be in love. That goes for real life too. So next time I'm with you, be sure to hold hands and sneak a kiss (with your significant other, not me).

3. Grocery shopping. I'll go for you.

4. Driving slow.

5. Whole milk. Not really a "new" love, but a new indulgence of an old love. At 150 calories per cup, it's more of a side dish than a beverage. I don't eat processed food, so I'm going to enjoy my whole milk.

godly contentment.

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength. (Phil. 4:12-13)

I have learned the secret. I think a key to contentment is learned. There are no two ways about it. Joy is found in the Lord; contentment is learned through Him who gives me strength. I don't really know what it is to be in need, at least not physically or materially. And I do know what it is to have plenty. I almost wish sometimes that I knew what it was to be in need, rather than knowing plenty. That is more glamorous, after all, to rely on the Lord for every penny, praying hard for food and water, and trusting in Him to provide for us like He takes care of the birds. But is it so different?

Am I, in Dallas, TX (THE land of plenty), more capable of providing for myself than I would be in poverty? Absolutely not. Every gift, every blessing, every "time of plenty" is from the Lord. So should I not be thankful, and in response to His great blessing, be content?

This also transcends the physical, reaching into the emotional, mental, and spiritual aspects of our lives. Are my relationships in plenty or in want? Is my time filled or empty? All of these situations are circumstances - situations that Paul is saying he has learned to be content in. But how? Thank God he tells us. Verse 13 says, "I can do everything through him who gives me strength." In context, this is not saying we can do whatever we put our minds to. It's not saying create your own circumstance to succeed. No! God gives us the strength within the circumstance he has allotted. His strength is so that we might be content!

Psalm 16:6 says, "The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance." Surely we have a delightful inheritance in the circumstances that He provides - whether that be plenty or need. It's amazing to think about God providing us with plenty, and also providing us with a situation where we have nothing. It takes away the guilt that we so often inflict upon ourselves for having, and turns the focus on the Father (where it should be anyways) who bestows good gifts. 

He gives and takes away. Blessed be His name. A lot of times I think we focus on the taking away. Yes, there is comfort in times of need, but there is also great joy and comfort in His blessing.

Right now, I truly am so busy. My plate is full when it comes to the time that I have. I feel like I have too much! But He has given me everything that I am doing. And He is asking me to trust in His provision that when I am weak and tired, He is so strong. Not to us, but to His name be the glory.  He's teaching me that when I am content, the focus is no longer on me and my plenty or my need, but on Him and His perfect provision, whether it be bountiful or sparse.

(not so) radical adventure.

I'm beginning to see that adventure is relative. Not because it's undefinable by any means, but just because at different times and in different places it means different things. Adventure is a spectrum.

For example, these days I'm taking 18 credit hours (which translates into 30 class and clinical hours). Not much wiggle room. I'm thankful, however, to be doing something that God has ordained for me, and loving it! It's amazing to feel content just because He has placed me here, no matter how mundane it seems. Nevertheless, my wild heart longs for adventure.

These days, adventure looks like a late-night, spur-of-the-moment trip to Starbucks for a sea salt caramel hot chocolate. Or maybe a spontaneous go for fro-yo with the roommates. An early morning bike ride around the lake, walking barefoot through a parking lot during a monsoon, saving up money to go out for a nice dinner, or scrounging around on Craig's list for a kayak.

Someday, of course, I'd like to climb Kilimanjaro, visit the Nile River, sail the Mediterranean, eat fresh sushi in Japan, watch the Iditarod in Alaska, and live in Scotland. But for now, to make sure this soul stays satisfied, I will relish the small adventures of the life He's given me today.

As believers, I think this is a good attitude to have as well: living as a disciple with the means and the circumstances that we currently have until we are uprooted and moved to share His kingdom elsewhere. Oh for the mundane to become adventure! How wonderful our days will be.

(not so) profound realizations.

I spend most of my days by myself. Not literally by myself, but a lot of time with children who have language development issues and a lot of time in class. So half the time I'm with people who can't really converse with me even if they wanted to, and the other half I'm with a bunch of people who can't because of the social expectations placed on them in a classroom. When I'm not with these people I'm usually in my car. By myself. All this adds up to a lot of thinking time, because even if you're physically surrounded by hundreds of people, you're always alone with your thoughts unless you're actually talking to them.

Here are some of my profound realizations, as well as some not so profound ones:

I actually do enjoy children quite a bit.


That being said, I am no where near ready to be a mother. I don't have enough patience or love.


My attention span is an hour and five minutes - exactly 10 minutes before my classes are finished (or in one case, an hour and 45 minutes before it's finished).


I don't like "competitive" academia.


I do like "good learning environment" academia.


I drive slower than most Dallas-ites, and I'm really okay with that. Among my extraordinarily busy scheduled events, driving is my opportunity to take it easy.


My first thought/reaction to people and situations is always a selfish one.


Selfish thoughts are hard to combat, but my day gets better when I do.


Training is hard to do after a 10-hour day.


When I swim laps, I'm often the only person making that lifeguard get on the stand because of what time I get around to doing it. What can I say, I'm committed to stimulating the economy.


I like clothes way too much. Thank goodness I have convictions and no time to shop.


Cockroaches still scare the bejeebees out of me.

food.

I love cooking.

I think my love for cooking birthed from my love for eating. Food is just so good, and cooking is just as good. My dad would always come home from working and want to whip up some gourmet concoctions, creating heavenly smells that would waft from our cozy kitchen. He said it was his way of relaxing after a long day of work.

He's right, there is something very satisfying about combining ingredients to perfect a succulent dish. And then, of course, eating said succulent dish. Yum.

This past year I started really thinking about and studying what I was eating. I read a book called "The Paleo Diet" and it revolutionized how I look at food. Think about what cavemen used to eat.......and that's what I eat, now. Anything I could hypothetically grow, gather, or kill. And yes it would be much more fun to actually do these things, of course, but I live in Dallas,  people. So as I've accepted the challenge to "go caveman," I've also accepted the challenge to try to make those meals tasty, thrifty, and fun.

I must admit, I haven't blogged much about food because I don't have a snazzy camera that takes snazzy pictures, and most foodie blogs feed off the fact (no pun intended) that they have delicious looking representations of the dishes being described. Well, I am no photographer, I am a writer. So pictures aren't worth a thousand words to me. Words create images, so here goes. By the end of this post, I expect you to be drooling over the meal I'm going to conjure up in your imagination.

Moroccan Chicken. That just sounds deliciously exotic, doesn't it? Just get ready. Heat up some olive oil in a deep saucepan as you cut up some thick, juicy chicken breasts. They don't look delectable now, but as soon as you drop them into the pan, a steady sizzle ensures that they will be. You want the heat hot enough to hiss at you, but not hot enough to make the oil jump out of the pan and bite. While the chicken is browning for about 10 minutes (be sure to flip those suckers over), go ahead and smash up your garlic, chop the parsley, dice the onions, and sliver the almonds. How you're supposed to "sliver" almonds, I'm not sure. I recommend buying them already "slivered." Now, smell your fingers. If you've got weak eyes, make sure you smell your fingers before you dice the onion (and after you've washed your hands from handling the raw chicken). Chicken is browned now, and your going to add the garlic to the brew, along with your secret weapons - cracked pepper and cinnamon. Mmmm. Saffron was on the recipe, but I didn't have any. I don't like how measuring utensils limit me, so I just sprinkled the cinnamon all over that chicken. Let me tell you, as soon as it hit the steamy pan, warm cinnamon filled the room and it smelled like fall, while the garlic added spice. Let that simmer for a minute before you add the onion, parsley, almonds, along with about 2-3 cups of water. You'll let it soak until the chicken is fully cooked and tenderized. It smells divine, like you're walking in a Moroccan desert town, strolling past a beautiful purple tent where a feast is being prepared. Your camel is salivating. It is that good.

So there you go! I'll include the "official" recipe at the end of this post in case I lost you in my descriptions. It was delicious, all-natural, healthy, and a low-cost meal. I paired it with some spinach and a sweet potato. The subtle hints of cinnamon in the chicken went perfectly with the potato, which I could then eat unseasoned as a result. Try it! See if you don't get lost in Morocco by the time you're done.

Moroccan Chicken
----------------
3 tbsp olive oil
1 chicken, 3 pounds, cut up
1 garlic clove, crushed
1/2 cinnamon stick
1/4 tsp ground saffron
1/4 tsp fresh ground pepper
1 pound small white onions, peeled
1/4 pound blanched almonds
2 tbsp chopped parsley