take these chances

something new.

2011-11-21T14:54:00.001-06:00

Well, a lot has happened since I've last written:

I finished my first year of Grad school.
I went to Zambia with CLASP, an organization bringing Speech Therapy to the children of Zambia.
Got a new roommate to add to our apartment of fun.
Moved apartments on maybe the hottest most humid day of the summer.
Speaking of heat, survived the Dallas heat run of who knows how many days in the triple digits.
I met a new friend.
I started dating aforementioned new friend.
I fell in love with my new friend.
November 4, 2011, my friend asked me to marry him. I'm ENGAGED!

His name is Jake Finch, and he's the biggest blessing in the world. Everything I imagined in a man and more! And especially all of those things I didn't imagine and never knew I needed. We know that the Lord has blessings for us in store, but it's hard to really know until you've seen those blessings.

I find myself in amazement all the time that God has seen me, has chosen to bless me, and has given me someone to share life with the way He has intended life to be shared - fully, passionately and abundantly.

It is the end of a chapter, and the beginning of an adventure - wedding planning, house hunting, rejoicing, stressing, honeymooning, etc. I couldn't have asked for a better sidekick (or maybe I'm the sidekick and he's the hero...). I couldn't have asked for a better hero to lead the way. I also couldn't have asked for a better family to join forces with, and likewise, my family has opened their arms to him. It's so good!

With the end of a chapter, I'll be getting something(s) new. A new name for one. A new life as two become one and I die to self and become a part of someone else's life and we create a new life together. With that newness comes the end of just me, and the end of this blog. And I can't say that I'm disappointed.

Looking back, my posts have chronicled joys and sorrows, struggles and victories, and just thoughts that I've had about faith, life, learning and love. These have been journeys of me and the Lord, working out my faith and the workings of my heart. I cannot tell you how wonderful it will be to pick up where I leave off and have someone's hand to hold along the way, someone's brain to pick at every hour of the day/night, someone's shoulder to cry on when I don't understand, and someone to rejoice with me and the Lord in the joys of life. Someone to walk with me toward Christ while we live here on earth, and someone who I know will be with me in Heaven forever worshipping our King.

Wow.

I'm floored. I'm thankful that the Lord did not require me to wait too long, but I'm also thankful that He gave me the patience and contentment while I was waiting. Not that it wasn't hard, but I slowly learned that He would be faithful to me and bring good things to my life, making my life a picture of His love and faithfulness.

And that is what I proclaim with Jake as we take this next step - I proclaim with such joy and gladness that the Lord is faithful! Our God is faithful, and He loves us much.

*I'm still a Buckner for now and will continue current updates here, but stay tuned for a new blog coming soon!!!

my cup overflows.

2011-05-16T15:26:00.000-05:00

I haven't written in a long time. Maybe because I've been busy living. Maybe because I haven't had time to think. Maybe because I've been neglecting my heart and it's dweller - Jesus Christ. I prayed out loud yesterday for the first time in a long time, and it felt strange. Honestly, I felt like I was talking to a stranger. I know I wasn't. I know that He loves me and cares for me, but it felt different. I felt like I had a lot to say, a lot to talk about, and so the little things I wanted to say and converse about were unimportant sitting next to the great travesties of thoughts that needed to be discussed. I felt like Jesus was saying, "Why are we talking about the food you're about to eat, and about the safety of you and others when we need to talk about our friendship?"

My guess is that we all do this. We all get super busy with life that we hurry along and "pray" throughout our days, but we don't really ever sit at His feet, quiet, listening. I feel like Jesus knows a lot of what's going on in my heart and life, but I don't really know what's going on in His. Yesterday I felt the weight of that - the weight of coming before Him and not knowing His heart. The weight of realizing that I need Him so much, and I've been acting like I didn't.

Needing Him - this is different from reading a passage of scripture in the morning, going to church, leading a Bible study, going to a Bible study, praying for friends, thanking Him for blessings, etc. Needing Him is allowing Him to change me, to pour life-giving wisdom into me, to rejuvenate me, to redeem me, every single day I'm alive.

I've been going on fumes, and I just ran out of gas. It only works for so long, you know, and then you die. And then it's like, there aren't even words to speak to explain what's going on inside. I feel empty. I slept for 15 hours last night, and I'm pretty sure that was a physical representation of my spiritual state - weary because I've neglected Him filling my cup. "Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks" (Luke 6:45), and my mouth has nothing to say because my heart is empty.

And life just keeps getting bigger. He is faithful, though, and my weary heart and mind are clinging to that thread of truth midst the tatters of threads that I have neglected and even unraveled. I am determined to get out of this dry place. Ironically and satisfyingly enough, however, there is nothing I can do to get myself out except rest - rest in His arms and let Him pour out His strength and love over me. From that place, I can be more diligent about being in His word and being His friend.

I guess I share this so that friends can hold me accountable, but also to encourage you that there is no place too dry, no place too silent, no place too despairing that He cannot come and lift you from. He fills, He speaks, He redeems, until my cup overfloweth.

Praise this wonderful God, from whom all blessings flow.

single women, part 4: on purpose.

2011-01-30T16:38:00.000-06:00

It's taken me longer to think about this post because of its delicate nature. Why are we here? There is a different array of answers for each of us, and I don't want to presume that I know why you're here and what your higher calling is in life. All of us are called to glorify God through Jesus Christ in our life. All of us. How we do that, however, is up to us and the freedom we experience in following Jesus.

I've been talking about single women, but really, I think all believers - men, women, singles, married folk, etc. - should ask themselves questions about their purpose, how they spend their time, and to what end they are working towards. You see, a single woman is merely a follower of Christ, just like a married woman is, just like a married man is.

In my broken quest to glorify the Lord, I have found that the number one influence on my walk with the Lord is how I spend my time. Ephesians 5:15-17 says this, " Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is." Our time here on earth is important! It is valuable to His kingdom. We should not be foolish, but understand the will of the Lord, and do it. James tells us not to be hearers of the word but doers, otherwise we deceive ourselves (1:22).

The Bible is also very clear about wasted time. Proverbs 6:9-11 says, How long will you lie there, O sluggard? When will you arise from your sleep? A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest, and poverty will come upon you lie a robber, and want like an armed man." 1 Peter 5:8 says, "Be self-controlled and alert. You're enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour." 2 Timothy 2:15 says, "Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who has no need to be ashamed, rightly handling the word of truth."

I share scripture instead of my own thoughts because I want to highlight the fact that everyone's call is different - everyone is created uniquely and with specific qualities and talents meant to bring God glory. What works for me may not work for you, and vice versa. Legalism is me taking what I do to bring God glory and confining you to that structure. You were made to glorify God just the way you are! Just how He intended - living freely in the power of Christ Jesus in you.

In my life, I have found that freedom in purpose comes from great discipline - discipline of mind, body, and soul. Ben Stuart said in one of his talks that "Freedom is a train on its tracks." I agree wholeheartedly. One of my life verses is 1 Corinthians 9:24-27:

Do you not know that in a race all the runner run, but only one receives the prize?

So run that you may obtain it. Every athlete exercises self-control in all things.

They do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable.

So I do not run aimlessly; I do not box as one beating the air.

But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others

I myself should be disqualified.

Whatever it takes - to live a holy life, to walk humbly, to act justly, to show mercy, to give grace, to love freely, to forgive without question. For me, it takes strict discipline in every aspect of my life, from what I eat, to how I take care of myself physically, to what I watch on television, to what I talk about with my friends, to how I fill my time, etc. I could go on and on. I definitely fail every single day, but these are the choices I strive to make to make my life pleasing to God, whether I'm single or married.

A lie we fall into is "Well, I'll take care of that struggle when I get married and have help." Or, "I'll fix this when (insert anything) day comes." Jesus is here and now; redemption has happened, sanctification is occurring, every second of every day. Praise Jesus for that. Our time is important to Him. Let's let Him fill our time, making it productive, fruitful, and glorifying.

This post is part of a series on being a single woman. The introduction is found here - single women. Please post comments, thoughts, stories, questions, etc. The next post is going to be a little different. As suggested by one of the readers, I am going to look at what it looks like to be pursued as a Godly woman.

single women, part 3: holy longings.

2011-01-09T14:34:00.000-06:00

Longing (verb): having a strong wish or desire.

I would say that's Biblical. God longed for redemption for His people and so He sent Jesus. Jesus longs for intimacy with His children and so He gave His life and left us the Holy Spirit. Longings. Holy longings. What about longing for marriage?

Marriage is ordained by God. Biblical marriage is blessed by God. Marriage is good. Longing for good things blessed and ordained by God is good. Amen. I used to think that I hadn't "trusted the Lord with my singleness" because I was still wanting to be married. That is a false belief system that I will try to explain with the following story.

All my life I have been longing to do missions, particularly overseas. Yes, there is something exotic about the idea of adventures around the world, but also He has commanded us to go and tell the nations about Him. I want to do that. I wanted to do it so badly sophomore year of college that I made myself sick - trying to figure out when and where, manipulating situations, jumping at every thought and opportunity, and anxiously fearing that I would never get to go. I was physically sick from trying to control my desires. I was miserable.

In a sermon I heard during that time, the pastor talked about having an open hand on our desires - open, so that the Lord could give and take away as He pleases (Job). I reluctantly relinquished my tight grip and stored up my desires in my heart. They never went away, but the Lord faithfully taught me to hold tightly to only Him, so that then He could take me where He wanted me to be. (I call this effect "growing down" in my own sort of lingo.)

Friends, the Lord is faithful. I encourage each of you to read Psalm 139 and read it slowly. Let the Truth sink in. He knows your longings. There isn't a thought in your mind, or a wish in your heart that He has not seen and noted. And He loves you. Oh, how He loves you.

This summer, I will be going to Africa to do Speech Therapy and minister to the people there. Speech therapy - a field I unenthusiastically joined, but joined due to the unmistakeable call of God towards it. A field that I thought I was giving up dreams to be a part of. I thought that God was taking away some of my longings that were laid out in my open hands, when in fact, He was just asking me to trust Him. Praise Jesus.

Marriage, my friends, is just another opportunity to trust Jesus and then let Him astound and bless you. It's okay to long for it, as long as we are trusting Him with that longing. Keep it in those open hands. It's hard to add things to a closed fist. Let's not let our tight grip prevent us from receiving the blessings God wants to give us.

single women, part 2: guard your heart = what?

2010-12-29T09:24:00.002-06:00

With this post I'm continuing a series I began on being single. The first two posts are listed below in case you want to catch up. Feel free to just jump right in though!

1. single women - an introduction

2. single women, part 1: i'm single because i was born that way

I want to preface this next one with something I read on a post by my friend, Hannah (her blog and post can be found here). I am not looking down on or trying to lessen the joy and blessing of marriage with my thoughts on singleness. In fact, I hope to do the opposite. I have friends who are richly blessed in marriage, and then I have friends who are richly blessed in singleness. The grass is never greener on the other side; each gift has their own challenges and victories. My goal, really, is to talk about satisfaction and contentment in the Lord no matter what your status or station may be. I am not waving the "singleness" flag with no thought for my married friends, and with careless regard to the fact that I may and probably will get married someday. "Singleness" is not an idea to rest in or be comforted by - Jesus is. This isn't a battle cry for independence and a false sense of freedom. These are Truths that have helped me remain content, and that I long to see others taking hold of and believing. Only through a relationship with Christ will peace be found.

Well that was longer than I had expected so let's just move along to a verse that is almost preached at young girls when they are nearing the age of relationships: Proverbs 4:23 "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it."

This verse is not talking about dating relationships. I'm sorry, it's just not. A father is instructing his son to keep wisdom in his heart, to love and cling to understanding, and to heed his instruction. This verse is talking about how important it is to guard what goes into our hearts, and to be careful what we train our hearts to love. In that sense, it can be applied to dating, but how? "Guard your heart" is such an abstract idea.

Several of my guy friends wisely told me this: "Girls should not start liking a guy until he has made it clear that he is interested in pursuing them." Wow. I'll even back it up with scripture. Song of Solomon has this phrase in it three times! "Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires." That seems pretty clear to me. It's a command!

I'll say it again just so we can really think about this - girls should not start liking a guy until he has made it clear that he is interested in pursuing them. Let's break this down, because let's be honest, we ladies are smart and we like to find loopholes. What do you mean "liking a guy?" Friendship? Encouraged! Admiration? Even more encouraged. Respect? Yes! We should look at the men around us and see the good in them, admire the Lord in them, and respect their Godly decisions. Affection? Hmm, maybe. I think that some relationships with friends can share affection in a brotherly/sisterly fashion with no harm done, but this is rare and you start walking a fine line. Attention? Stop right there.

I think where we fall into a trap is when we start desiring their special attention. Or we start taking time to think about how we can be with them and capture their attention. And then we start daydreaming about consuming their attention. The only thing that should consume our minds and hearts like that is the Lord and his wisdom, his instruction, and his leading.

Why do they call it "wooing?" Because our hearts as women are secure and not freely given away. Or they should be. The man must pursue to get to know a heart, to win it over! When we "like" a guy before he has done that, there is no pursuit, no "winning," no victory for him when he finally gets to his prize. And what a prize it is when he has labored for it! The victory is cheap when it is handed to him.

My last thought on this is that desiring someone's attention gives the devil a foothold in our lives. Our hearts are consumed with this one thing and we no longer have the energy or the time to fight the sin battles that we are meant to fight. This time of undivided attention to the Lord is the perfect time to let Jesus refine us - show us our imperfections and then patiently work through them. Let's not let our attention be divided among suitors who haven't even knocked on our door yet.

This post is part of a series on being a single woman. Please post comments, thoughts, stories, questions, etc. Next post on "holy longings." Thanks for reading!

"I'm single because I was born that way." (Mae West)

2010-12-20T11:18:00.004-06:00

August 26
"Dear Lord, please begin to prepare me for my future husband and prepare him for me that we might be perfect for each other when we meet."

September 7
"Lord please help me to be like Hosea. Help me to obey you without question. Help me to not try and figure out my husband at such an early age. Allow him to come to me when it is the right time."

These are excerpts from my journal that I wanted to share with you. Unbelievably enough, they were written in 1998. I was twelve years old when I started praying about getting married. I admire my intentions, however my mind was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Matthew 6 charges us to not worry about tomorrow, and here I was worrying about years down the road!

I share this with you only to stress the fact that this has been a struggle all of my life. I used to daydream about adventures with my "prince" where we would ride off into the sunset. You only think I'm kidding. Every extreme you can think of, I dreamt it up in my wild imagination and let it carry me into the clouds. I write, today, as a changed woman, only by the grace of God, but changed wholeheartedly nonetheless. The new perspective and wisdom that I now live by came with great heartache, more than just a little resentment, and much discipline. The heartache was not necessary, and I could have definitely used without the resentment, but the practice was absolutely vital. It takes great care to replace lies with Truth, and great perseverance.

The Lord has been trying to teach me true satisfaction in Him, but it wasn't until after I had let a boy break my heart for the nth time that I was finally ready to listen. This was just this past year, actually, over Spring Break. I listened to two sermons that rocked my world...literally. It was the perfect pairing of me being broken and ready for filling, and Truth being readily available. I challenge you to listen to them with an open mind and a soft heart. It is a two part series called Single-Minded (Parts 1 & 2) from the Village Church in Dallas, focusing on who God says we are.

Since then, the Lord has been teaching me how He feels about singleness. He loves it! Paul says that singleness is a gift, and that marriage is a gift, and teaches us to be thankful and productive with our respective gifts - not to desire the other gift, and not to remain idle in any place. I'm tired of hearing "your time will come soon." What time? What if I don't have a "time?" Am I defective? And I didn't realize "time" came for only a certain set of people. Doesn't time just keep coming no matter what?

1 Corinthians 7 talks about how we should live, be it single or married. The gift of singleness is that we can serve the Lord with a single-mind. Our only concern is what the Lord wants. How beautiful is that! And yet as singles (most of us), we roll into church 30 minutes late, waste time sitting on our couch with TV dinners, use our independence and money to vacation more, play more, and consume more. We should be early to church - greeting, serving in the nursery, teaching Sunday school, etc. because we have time! We should stay late because we don't have kids to pick up, lunch to make for our family, and 4x the amount of laundry to do on Sunday afternoon.

1 Corinthians 7:29-31 says, "What I mean, brothers, is that the time is short. From now on those who have wives should live as if they had none; those who mourn, as if they did not; those who are happy, as if they were not; those who buy something, as if it were not theirs to keep; those who use the things of the world, as if not engrossed in them. For this world in its present form is passing away." This world is not our home! Our kingdom is an everlasting kingdom, so why waste time and emotions wishing we were in another state on this earth? If we should wish for anything, it should be to dwell with our King! Psalm 16:6 says, "The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance."

Indeed, we are richly blessed as we are. A word of caution: do not become self-entitled or too independent as a result. I think as women we fall into the trap of thinking that until we have a husband, we submit to no man. That is wrong. Our lives are a constant and daily discipline in submission to our Lord (more on the practical application of this in later posts). We lose all perspective that we might have gained when we take our freedom and live for ourselves. Sadly, this is the mindset that our world operates under.

I did not read or see "Eat, Pray, Love," but I don't think I'm going to. It is a story of selfishness and self-entitlement that women fall prey to. The idea that we can make a future for ourselves is ridiculous! Women, we have a beautiful inheritance, NOT a fortune to be made for ourselves. Author and speaker Marian Jordan has a great response to this skewed mindset here on her blog for Redeemed Girl Ministries.

A question I often ask myself these days is this: If I never marry (and yes, I really mean never), will I live as a person truly satisfied in the Lord? My answer to this is difficult, but it is a quiet and firm "yes." Why? How could I say that when as a little girl, all I dreamed of was a husband? Look what my Savior has said! My status as a single woman is a gift. I have a delightful inheritance. It is better for me to remain single at this time, because the "world in its present form is passing away." Yes, I am lonely...often! And yet He is always there in the midst of that loneliness, reminding me of my calling to serve as His daughter..."How beautiful upon the mountains are the feet of him who brings good news, who publishes peace, who brings good news of happiness, who publishes salvation, who says to Zion, 'Your God reigns.'" (Isaiah 52:7)

Practice believing these Truths. Practice stepping out in trust, in joy, and in faith. Soon enough, you'll be doing it, and the satisfaction of being in God's will and seeing His blessings in your life far outweighs the earthly satisfactions of this world. The Lord may call you out of singleness, but that is His decision and all in His timing. Rest in His presence at the present hour, and love being there.

This post is part of a series on being a single woman. The introduction is found here - single women. Please post comments, thoughts, stories, questions, etc. Next post on guarding your heart and what that really means. Thanks for reading!

single women.

2010-12-15T17:28:00.001-06:00

As the school semester winds down, I find myself already looking for something to devote time to. I have been lax with my writing (mostly due to busyness, but partially due to lack of discipline), and I want to remedy that. My solution - begin a series.

I have many friends who are happily married, and many friends who are still single, including myself. Sharing in their struggles to maintain joy and perspective has inspired much prayer and thought, and I would like to share some of the musings I have on the subject, as well as concrete Truths that the Lord has taught me. My sources will be cited and range from scripture, to sermons, to studies, to conversations with mentors. My hope is that this will be more than just posts that I write - I would love for this to be an interactive process, where you comment, add to, and question the things I say, as well as suggest a topic for the last post which is to be determined by the readers.

The first post will arrive Monday, December 20, and the rest will follow at about 1-week intervals. Let me know what you think, and invite others to join in the conversation! Guys, I'm not excluding you, and would love to hear your thoughts on what I have to say as well.

1. born single. what God says about being single.
2. guarding your heart. what that really means and looks like.
3. holy longings.
4. purpose, part one. what to do with your time.
5. purpose, part two. wasted time.
6. keeping joy. despite your circumstances, or others' circumstances around you.
7. _________. to be decided by you!

carpe diem.

2010-11-30T18:25:00.000-06:00

Carpe diem.

Seize the day.

Not seize tomorrow, or seize the future.

Seize the day.

I refuse to believe that what I have now is not good enough.
I refuse to believe that this day was not ordained, and is not full of His blessings.
I refuse to believe that I am not effective with the Gospel.

God, make me thankful. Make me aware. Make me ever-ready to do your work....today.

birthday bliss.

2010-11-12T08:31:00.000-06:00

I really like birthdays! Unlike my bff Amanda Scott, who hates birthdays...or just hates getting older. Somehow, on my birthday, nothing can go wrong.

Today is living up to that deal. So far (and it's only 8 am), I was woken up by aforementioned roomie and friend, went to Starbucks, got a wee pink birthday donut, the lady at the counter sang me the chuckecheese birthday song, and then came home to my other roomie Jennifer Perry offering me breakfast. Last night, as a preview, I got to go see Ray LaMontagne live in concert (thanks roomies!).

Good days need playlists, so here's a sampler of what I'll be listening to. Check them out and enjoy them yourselves:

Such Great Heights by The Postal Service
God Willin' & the Creek Don't Rise by Ray LaMontagne & The Pariah Dogs
We Were Free by Priscilla Ahn
Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd
Rhythm of Love by Plain White T's
Ice on Her Lashes by Brooke Fraser
Over the Rainbow (Glee Cast Version)
Something Beautiful by Needtobreathe
Sittin' On the Dock of the Bay by Otis Redding
Bread & Water by Ryan Bingham
The Musical Priest by The Blackthorn Project
The Lighthouse's Tale by Nickel Creek
Almost Everything by Wakey!Wakey!
Just Say Yes by Snow Patrol
Are We There Yet by Ingrid Michaelson
And So It Goes by Ernie Halter
The One I Love by David Gray
House of Gold by The Secret Sisters

impressions.

2010-11-08T22:10:00.000-06:00

Advice can be heeded or not, but impressions stay with you, no matter what. Here are some lasting impressions that just haven't left my heart. Funny, how sometimes they come from the most unsuspecting people.

You can't let what other people think bother you if you know that you're doing the right thing in the right place. - my Dad

Excel at the revealed. - Abby Perry (via Ben Stuart, but I associate this with her)

You're choices aren't between what's good and bad, they're between what's good and best. Don't settle for good when you can have the best in life. - my wonderful Mother

This next one is so good I'm going to quote it directly.
"Sarah Elizabeth, just because you think you like him now, doesn't mean you should act on it. In two weeks, you're not going to like him anymore." - brother Ben (and he was usually right..)

If God wants it to happen, it will happen, and me trying to convince everyone what God's will is for me is not going to change that. You just have to be patient and wait. - again, Ben

You've got Daddy's (God's) credit card! Why not pray big things? - Lauren Lust

There isn't anything you can do to make God love you more, and there's not anything you can do to make Him love you less. - again, L.L.

Getting into a relationship should be the easiest part of it. Later on, that's when it's hard work, so starting off should just fall into place. - Travis Maddry (my impact partner who just mentioned this in conversation one day...i can't tell you how often i've thought about it)

Don't do anything I wouldn't do... - my Mom...now I tell it to her :)

God has already forgiven you. You saying "you're sorry" reconciles your relationship to Him, but it doesn't change your status - you are His child and He loves you. - my Dad

Loving someone unconditionally means loving them even if they reject Christ. It means loving them not just to convert them, but to truly love them. - Mason McGahen (changed my idea of what unconditional love is)

LOVE WINS. - bumper sticker

You can always go farther than you think you can. - Tiffany Garrett (i think she said this when we were running one time, but i've seen her live it and that is what has made a lasting impression on me)

You don't need to have kids right when you get married. Marriage is hard enough the first few years; don't complicate it more than you have to. - Cary Plunkett :)

There have been many more, these are just the ones that pop into my mind the most. So, thank you, friends, for leaving me with a lasting impression that has encouraged me and pushed me to live more obediently and more like Christ. This last one probably took me the longest to understand, but has been the easiest to remember. So I'll leave you with my Dad's profound simplicity - be mysterious.

countdowns.

2010-11-05T11:03:00.001-05:00

7 days until my birthday.

18 days until I'm in Austin with friends and family.

20 days until Thanksgiving.

34 days until the school semester ends.

44 days until I get to go home for the holidays.

49 days until Christmas Eve.

50 days until Christmas.

57 days until the New Year.

time flies.

belief.

2010-10-25T22:36:00.000-05:00

Last week I was sitting at home alone with a free evening ahead of me, indecisively pondering how I was going to spend it. I was surfing the internet mindlessly, when all of a sudden I had an incredibly strong craving for popcorn. Not just any popcorn, but warm, buttery movie popcorn. Of course, I grabbed my keys, and headed to AMC.

The movie? Why, Secretariat, of course. Every birthday wish that I can remember was spent on having my own horse. I remember considering wishing for a car on my 16th birthday, but at the last minute I resorted to my default and once again, blew out those candles thinking of a horse.

All that to say, I love horses, and so obviously, I'm going to want to go see this movie. Not only do I love horses, but I love the Triple Crown - the trifecta of horse racing! I can talk about the winners of the past few years, the upsets, and the near misses. I just love it.

Secretariat was an incredible horse, breaking records that people today only dream of their horses breaking. He still holds the track record for the Belmont Stakes, the third race in the Triple Crown. He raced in 1973, and 37 years later he is still the champion. What is even more gripping about his story is the seemingly unfounded belief that his owner, rider and trainer had in him. All they had as their foundation was that his bloodline showed promise and that he was proving to be a good horse.

While watching the movie, I realized a profound and yet unmistakable truth. I watched as these people risked everything they had on their belief that Secretariat was a great horse. He was the underdog, he had a female owner in a world of men, a washed up trainer, and an old jockey. The estate of the owner's father rested on the success of Secretariat. I wanted to be nervous for them, but I already knew the ending, so I sat back and enjoyed the suspense all the way up to the climax. It struck me, though, that they didn't know how it was going to end. They risked everything they had on their belief, knowing that they could have lost everything. What great faith. What great courage. They were fighting hard for a win.

I immediately thought of us believers - risking everything we have in this world on our belief in a Savior who rules another kingdom. But we're different. We know the ending. We aren't fighting hard for a win, we are fighting for belief that we do actually win, and that we have already won. The stakes change when we realize this great truth. Our fight is not for the end result, it's for the ability to cling to the truth we know in this present moment.

So sit back and enjoy the suspense all the way up to the climax, but don't quit the fight because we've already won. Cling to faith because you know the ending, and you know the reward. I may have known that Secretariat would win, but I didn't know how. It was awesome. He won the Belmont by 31 lengths. I was on the edge of my seat the whole time, not because I was unsure of his upcoming success, but because I was thrilled to be a witness to such a grand victory.

We have a bloodline that cannot be questioned. We have a Victor who cannot be defeated. We have a race that cannot be lost. But belief is what we're fighting for, and what we must cling to. The second we stop believing in the power of our kingdom, we miss out on the thrill of the victory.

prime seating & a pen.

2010-10-12T22:20:00.002-05:00

The Growth of a Soul, a book about the life of Hudson Taylor. What a great name. What a great life! I wonder what a book about my life would be named...

...I can't even think of clever quips. Nothing symbolizing the (not so) dramatic ups and downs, and of course, the symbolic "climb" to the top of my molehill that somehow felt like a mountain in the process. How naive of me. How little I have truly accomplished!

I wonder if Hudson Taylor felt that way at 23 (nearly 24). All I can think of at the moment is that I have impeccable taste in music and a nasty habit of speaking my mind (even when I don't know what I'm talking about, unfortunately). And those are hardly book titles. More like poorly worded reviews, actually.

The point of this is not to pity myself, or have you pity me, for that matter. It's an overly dramatic attempt to set up for the next part of this entry. I think they call that ~~good writing~~ building a climax. The point of this is to tell you how thankful I am for a God that lavishes His love upon me, even when I'm ungrateful, especially when I'm unworthy, and in spite of my blind eyes.

The point of this is to tell a story - a story I was so appropriately reminded of this evening as I walked into a coffeehouse, fighting back tears, rounding the corner to find my favorite spot vacant, as if waiting for me. I am certain that it was.

Sophomore year of college, during the Fall semester, I drove up to Starbucks on Northgate to study for Organic Chemistry. I was exhausted. I had so much to do. I was headed to get caffeine and close the place down. All I wanted to do was go home. I was frustrated with being in school, being in such a rigorous course as O-Chem, and was struggling to see the point with a degree when all I wanted to do was get married, move overseas, and share Jesus with people around the world (oh how my perspective has changed and yet my dreams grown stronger).

I persisted, pulling up to Starbucks in the dark, bitter and yet resigned, and all the while angry at God. I thought to myself, and to Him, I better get my favorite seat by the window when I get in there. He was, after all, indebted to me since I was doing this "school thing" against my wishes, albeit with a bad attitude. As I collected my things, I realized that I had failed to bring an essential to working out chemical reactions and figuring equations - a pencil. I didn't even have a pen. Maybe someone in there will have a pen I can borrow, I thought. And then I retorted, glancing upwards, you'll just have to do something about that too!

I trudged inside, glancing around for an empty seat. Rounding the corner, to my smug satisfaction, I saw my favorite table open. Smug, because I dismissed this act of God as a fluke, throwing Him an ungrateful and insincere, thanks. I threw my stuff on the table, and just as I was about to address my pencil crisis, something in the windowsill caught my attention.

A pencil, you say? No. See, in my arrogance, I would have dismissed that as readily as I had the vacant table. No. There was no pencil in the window. Instead, there was an unopened package of pens and highlighters. I don't remember my exact response at that moment, but right now I blush and tear up at the thought of my insolence. I remember being shocked. Humbled beyond belief. Mostly, though, I felt undeserving.

The kind words of my sweet Father flooded my mind as I held that package of pens and highlighters. My child. Do you see how I answer even this, the least of your requests? Even tonight, the ones you so carelessly threw in my direction? Do you see how I have responded and provided? And how do you think, if I have answered these paltry requests, how do you think I will respond to greater needs you require, and greater requests on behalf of others? Of your family? Of your friends? Of the lost?

I had no words. I still have no words today. Today, as I walked into the coffeehouse, broken and feeling dejected, with only self-centered thoughts coursing through my mind, I didn't even have the impudence I had 4 years ago to throw up spiteful requests. I said nothing to Him. And as I rounded that corner and saw my table waiting for me, this story hit me like a brick.

Child, He says, I answer even when you do not ask. "How great is the love the Father has lavished upon us, that we should be called Children of God" 1 John 3:1. It truly is great.

I forget to share this story. I forget it because I am a sinner, but also because the devil cringes when I remember it, and when I tell it. It is a crystal clear representation of the goodness and faithfulness of our Father. And a reminder for us to pray, even when we don't feel like it. It's a reminder that He always hears us, and always listens.

Hudson Taylor was a great man because he prayed great prayers that God answered. Great things happened because of the prayers He prayed and the answers He received. That is the legacy I long for.

I still don't know what my book would be called, but I have an idea about what I'd like for a subtitle. She always had the ear of her Father. Because I do. I have His love too, and it is abundant and faithful. I pray that I always remember that. I pray that you are encouraged by my story, because it is just as true for you. He will always meet you where you are, providing exactly what you need, even if that need is prime seating and a pen.

all in.

2010-10-06T22:22:00.001-05:00

are you ready?

will you go all in?

because when that gun fired, the first runner shot from the block, committed to going all in.

fingers, gripping the baton.

legs, straining with forward motion.

arms, pumping to keep momentum.

face, grimacing with pain and intensity.

feel the fire.

it's coming for you.

are you ready?

will you go all in?

think hard but not too long.

the baton is nearly ready to be passed.

will you take it?

it must not be dropped.

carried by martyrs and saints before you,

they died to bring it this far.

will you take it farther?

prepare for the burning you will feel in your legs.

nothing compared to the fires that may engulf you like those before you.

stretch out your hand in the flames and grasp the light that they bore - and do not drop it.

they died to bring it to you, will you not do the same?

forget the pain. keep pushing onward. remember the sacrifices they have made and make the same. when it gets too hard, cry out to the Father who knows the pain and suffering you bear. cry out in anguish and He will hear you - He will give you strength. cry out on behalf of the ones that will come after you. pray that they will see the light, and be strong.

do not stop.

do not slow down.

do not rest until your eyes catch sight of the runners ahead, or until the flames tear you down.

only then, release your grip on your dispatch, entrusting it to faithful hands that will continue on the path.

only then, rest in the arms of the Father who sent you.

hello, fall.

2010-10-04T23:02:00.001-05:00

We welcome it back every year, with a skip in our step and a grin on our face. How wonderful to feel the cool breeze and the warm sun, and have the earth enriched in tones of red and orange. The world just looks coated in a dusky hugh cast by the warm sun, ironically cooling temperatures in preparation for winter. Fall.

It surprises me every year. The long, hot summer in this part of the world begs me to forget what its cool breeze offers. Memory of spring melts in the heat of summer, and the memory of fall has long since been replaced by the reality of salty sweat dripping down my face. And then, suddenly, as if out of nowhere, the sizzling sidewalks are carpeted in beautiful leaves, and the sun no longer scorches, but beams kindly.

Astonishing and yet predictable, fall follows summer every year. I know this, and have known this since grade school. Somehow still it catches me by surprise. If only, in the dead and still heat of August, I would learn to anticipate and hope for the Fall that is just peeking around the corner. Instead, I dread stepping outside, and am short-sighted enough to only see the heat waves rising on the ground right in front of me.

What a travesty! How blind are my eyes? How faulty is my memory? How typical is my soul?

The goodness of the Lord comes as assuredly as Fall, and yet, once again, I fail to see it for the miry pit I am in. How blind are my eyes? How faulty is my memory? How typical is my soul? His goodness has come to me time and time again, and yet, each new blessing comes as a surprise, and in between blessings I lose hope.

Oh for a soul that waits expectantly for the wonders of Fall! Oh for a soul that waits expectantly for Him! He will come.

I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.

Psalm 27:13

new loves.

2010-09-26T22:59:00.000-05:00

1. Children. Not that I didn't like them before, but I'm slowly beginning to realize that I like them more than I thought.

2. Chick-flicks. Crazy, huh? I love them. Maybe because I'm no longer jealously pining over the hollywood fairy tale, but I just really enjoy watching people be in love. That goes for real life too. So next time I'm with you, be sure to hold hands and sneak a kiss (with your significant other, not me).

3. Grocery shopping. I'll go for you.

4. Driving slow.

5. Whole milk. Not really a "new" love, but a new indulgence of an old love. At 150 calories per cup, it's more of a side dish than a beverage. I don't eat processed food, so I'm going to enjoy my whole milk.

godly contentment.

2010-09-20T23:14:00.001-05:00

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength. (Phil. 4:12-13)

I have learned the secret. I think a key to contentment is learned. There are no two ways about it. Joy is found in the Lord; contentment is learned through Him who gives me strength. I don't really know what it is to be in need, at least not physically or materially. And I do know what it is to have plenty. I almost wish sometimes that I knew what it was to be in need, rather than knowing plenty. That is more glamorous, after all, to rely on the Lord for every penny, praying hard for food and water, and trusting in Him to provide for us like He takes care of the birds. But is it so different?

Am I, in Dallas, TX (THE land of plenty), more capable of providing for myself than I would be in poverty? Absolutely not. Every gift, every blessing, every "time of plenty" is from the Lord. So should I not be thankful, and in response to His great blessing, be content?

This also transcends the physical, reaching into the emotional, mental, and spiritual aspects of our lives. Are my relationships in plenty or in want? Is my time filled or empty? All of these situations are circumstances - situations that Paul is saying he has learned to be content in. But how? Thank God he tells us. Verse 13 says, "I can do everything through him who gives me strength." In context, this is not saying we can do whatever we put our minds to. It's not saying create your own circumstance to succeed. No! God gives us the strength within the circumstance he has allotted. His strength is so that we might be content!

Psalm 16:6 says, "The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance." Surely we have a delightful inheritance in the circumstances that He provides - whether that be plenty or need. It's amazing to think about God providing us with plenty, and also providing us with a situation where we have nothing. It takes away the guilt that we so often inflict upon ourselves for having, and turns the focus on the Father (where it should be anyways) who bestows good gifts.

He gives and takes away. Blessed be His name. A lot of times I think we focus on the taking away. Yes, there is comfort in times of need, but there is also great joy and comfort in His blessing.

Right now, I truly am so busy. My plate is full when it comes to the time that I have. I feel like I have too much! But He has given me everything that I am doing. And He is asking me to trust in His provision that when I am weak and tired, He is so strong. Not to us, but to His name be the glory. He's teaching me that when I am content, the focus is no longer on me and my plenty or my need, but on Him and His perfect provision, whether it be bountiful or sparse.

(not so) radical adventure.

2010-09-14T22:54:00.000-05:00

I'm beginning to see that adventure is relative. Not because it's undefinable by any means, but just because at different times and in different places it means different things. Adventure is a spectrum.

For example, these days I'm taking 18 credit hours (which translates into 30 class and clinical hours). Not much wiggle room. I'm thankful, however, to be doing something that God has ordained for me, and loving it! It's amazing to feel content just because He has placed me here, no matter how mundane it seems. Nevertheless, my wild heart longs for adventure.

These days, adventure looks like a late-night, spur-of-the-moment trip to Starbucks for a sea salt caramel hot chocolate. Or maybe a spontaneous go for fro-yo with the roommates. An early morning bike ride around the lake, walking barefoot through a parking lot during a monsoon, saving up money to go out for a nice dinner, or scrounging around on Craig's list for a kayak.

Someday, of course, I'd like to climb Kilimanjaro, visit the Nile River, sail the Mediterranean, eat fresh sushi in Japan, watch the Iditarod in Alaska, and live in Scotland. But for now, to make sure this soul stays satisfied, I will relish the small adventures of the life He's given me today.

As believers, I think this is a good attitude to have as well: living as a disciple with the means and the circumstances that we currently have until we are uprooted and moved to share His kingdom elsewhere. Oh for the mundane to become adventure! How wonderful our days will be.

(not so) profound realizations.

2010-09-14T08:20:00.000-05:00

I spend most of my days by myself. Not literally by myself, but a lot of time with children who have language development issues and a lot of time in class. So half the time I'm with people who can't really converse with me even if they wanted to, and the other half I'm with a bunch of people who can't because of the social expectations placed on them in a classroom. When I'm not with these people I'm usually in my car. By myself. All this adds up to a lot of thinking time, because even if you're physically surrounded by hundreds of people, you're always alone with your thoughts unless you're actually talking to them.

Here are some of my profound realizations, as well as some not so profound ones:

I actually do enjoy children quite a bit.

That being said, I am no where near ready to be a mother. I don't have enough patience or love.

My attention span is an hour and five minutes - exactly 10 minutes before my classes are finished (or in one case, an hour and 45 minutes before it's finished).

I don't like "competitive" academia.

I do like "good learning environment" academia.

I drive slower than most Dallas-ites, and I'm really okay with that. Among my extraordinarily busy scheduled events, driving is my opportunity to take it easy.

My first thought/reaction to people and situations is always a selfish one.

Selfish thoughts are hard to combat, but my day gets better when I do.

Training is hard to do after a 10-hour day.

When I swim laps, I'm often the only person making that lifeguard get on the stand because of what time I get around to doing it. What can I say, I'm committed to stimulating the economy.

I like clothes way too much. Thank goodness I have convictions and no time to shop.

Cockroaches still scare the bejeebees out of me.

food.

2010-09-08T21:44:00.002-05:00

I love cooking.

I think my love for cooking birthed from my love for eating. Food is just so good, and cooking is just as good. My dad would always come home from working and want to whip up some gourmet concoctions, creating heavenly smells that would waft from our cozy kitchen. He said it was his way of relaxing after a long day of work.

He's right, there is something very satisfying about combining ingredients to perfect a succulent dish. And then, of course, eating said succulent dish. Yum.

This past year I started really thinking about and studying what I was eating. I read a book called "The Paleo Diet" and it revolutionized how I look at food. Think about what cavemen used to eat.......and that's what I eat, now. Anything I could hypothetically grow, gather, or kill. And yes it would be much more fun to actually do these things, of course, but I live in Dallas, people. So as I've accepted the challenge to "go caveman," I've also accepted the challenge to try to make those meals tasty, thrifty, and fun.

I must admit, I haven't blogged much about food because I don't have a snazzy camera that takes snazzy pictures, and most foodie blogs feed off the fact (no pun intended) that they have delicious looking representations of the dishes being described. Well, I am no photographer, I am a writer. So pictures aren't worth a thousand words to me. Words create images, so here goes. By the end of this post, I expect you to be drooling over the meal I'm going to conjure up in your imagination.

Moroccan Chicken. That just sounds deliciously exotic, doesn't it? Just get ready. Heat up some olive oil in a deep saucepan as you cut up some thick, juicy chicken breasts. They don't look delectable now, but as soon as you drop them into the pan, a steady sizzle ensures that they will be. You want the heat hot enough to hiss at you, but not hot enough to make the oil jump out of the pan and bite. While the chicken is browning for about 10 minutes (be sure to flip those suckers over), go ahead and smash up your garlic, chop the parsley, dice the onions, and sliver the almonds. How you're supposed to "sliver" almonds, I'm not sure. I recommend buying them already "slivered." Now, smell your fingers. If you've got weak eyes, make sure you smell your fingers before you dice the onion (and after you've washed your hands from handling the raw chicken). Chicken is browned now, and your going to add the garlic to the brew, along with your secret weapons - cracked pepper and cinnamon. Mmmm. Saffron was on the recipe, but I didn't have any. I don't like how measuring utensils limit me, so I just sprinkled the cinnamon all over that chicken. Let me tell you, as soon as it hit the steamy pan, warm cinnamon filled the room and it smelled like fall, while the garlic added spice. Let that simmer for a minute before you add the onion, parsley, almonds, along with about 2-3 cups of water. You'll let it soak until the chicken is fully cooked and tenderized. It smells divine, like you're walking in a Moroccan desert town, strolling past a beautiful purple tent where a feast is being prepared. Your camel is salivating. It is that good.

So there you go! I'll include the "official" recipe at the end of this post in case I lost you in my descriptions. It was delicious, all-natural, healthy, and a low-cost meal. I paired it with some spinach and a sweet potato. The subtle hints of cinnamon in the chicken went perfectly with the potato, which I could then eat unseasoned as a result. Try it! See if you don't get lost in Morocco by the time you're done.

Moroccan Chicken
----------------
3 tbsp olive oil
1 chicken, 3 pounds, cut up
1 garlic clove, crushed
1/2 cinnamon stick
1/4 tsp ground saffron
1/4 tsp fresh ground pepper
1 pound small white onions, peeled
1/4 pound blanched almonds
2 tbsp chopped parsley

a few of my favorite things (but only because it's raining).

2010-09-07T22:43:00.003-05:00

Here is a small list of some of my favorites at the moment. Just because I think it's important to cherish life, and be thankful for the little things.

.early mornings.

.getting to watch the sunset b/c i'm stuck in traffic.

.a good cabernet.

.hugs from little children.

.biking around the lake.

.fuzzy's tacos.

.a hard run.

.Harry Potter.

.laughs with the roommates.

.being reunited with the best of friends.

.turning on the radio to the song i wanted to hear.

.waking up before my alarm goes off.

"All things come of thee, O Lord; and of thine own have we given thee."
1 Chronicles 29:14

joy comes with the morning.

2010-09-07T07:49:00.001-05:00

Last night when I went to bed, I prayed that the Lord would wake me up in the morning. Sure enough, 3 minutes before my alarm was supposed to go off, I woke up. Not startled, not interrupted, but at peace. I lay in bed for a while just thinking about how wonderful it is to be woken up by God himself. It is a sweet feeling.

I do this often - pray to wake up "happy" before my alarm goes off. I do this because when I start my day well, the rest of it usually follows suit. It's only recently that I've attributed this "waking up" to Jesus and not my body's own clock. And so now, I just ask that He wake me up, knowing He will, and yet still sometimes surprised when He does. Little faith, what will it take for you to grow?

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;

his mercies never come to an end;

they are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness."

Lamentations 3:22-23

dare.

2010-08-10T18:32:00.000-05:00

It happens when the dark clouds are rolling in over the hills, edging out the light. The breeze picks up and you can smell change, and nearly taste the rain that is sure to come. Close your eyes. Breathe in deeply of the calm before it's gone. And then, surprisingly, your lips curve into a smile - deeply satisfied with the opportunity to weather the storm. Bring it on, you tell yourself, and then you wait.

I've been thinking a lot lately about my propensity towards dangerous and exciting adventure. The riskier, the better. I've wondered, though, if it's just me, or if this hunger for the wild is innate in all of us. Do we all gaze at craggy cliffs and dream of climbing them? Or is the panorama of wild country just a pretty postcard to some? Am I too adventurous? Are my dreams too lofty? My persuasions too strong?

A dear friend of mine recently pointed out a weakness in my life. She said that often I will speak adamantly in one direction, with the sort of confidence that I could never be wrong, and then sometimes later I will change my mind. I immediately saw this as pride, and an unwillingness to think through my convictions thoroughly before proclaiming them. I have thought a lot about this and am resolved to only speak my mind about matters if I am defending a higher Truth given to me by God himself. My own thoughts, opinions, dreams, and "dares" will remain pressed close to my chest, disclosed to only a few, not as an act of fear, but rather as an act of "treasuring up," I suppose. If the "treasures" last, then others will see them come to fruition, and my dreams and beliefs will be shared.

I talk too much and dream too little. In fact, I realized that I talk so much about dreaming that I haven't got time to dream anymore. I must sleep to dream more. My sixth grade English teacher told me once that "Mediocre people discuss other people, good people discuss events, but the greatest people discuss ideas and dreams." That has stuck with me since then. I have found it true in my short (as of yet) lifetime.

I've been in Scotland for the past month, and it's given me a lot of time to dream. And I'm passionate about my dreams, and I believe that one day they will come true. I'm also certain of truths that have been revealed, and excited about unknown possibilities. But these, all of these, are pressed close to my chest.

a wee wish list.

2010-07-26T17:45:00.002-05:00

I'm living in Scotland for my month in between summer and fall semesters, and I am just in heaven. I just love this country. It's God's country, you know; it rains just enough to make the flowers bloom, and the leftovers never flood. Legend says the rainwater feeds into the distilleries to produce the finest Scotch whiskey. My ancestors came from the wee Island of Jura on the west northern coast of Scotland, and I do believe my blood runs thick. This just feels like home to me.

This is my third time here, and I know when I leave these shores I'll be back again. Here is a wee list (Scots love saying "wee," and I must say it's quite endearing) of things that you need/want to travel the wild country.

1 - Plaid watch, $12.99 at Payless. Gotta sport the plaid. 2 - Coriolis hat from Anthro for 38 lbs (about $45). It's pretty windy here so hang onto your hat, but this will keep your hair straight for the photo-ops in the castles. The breeze is always cool here. Always. 3 - Sasha tote from Fossil, $148. This is real leather, and I actually own this bag. I made an investment and purchased a sturdy leather purse to last me a lifetime (or at least the next few years). The perfect size to store an umbrella in case of sudden summer showers and a snack for the train. 4 - BB Dakota Wool Herringbone Coat, $138 from South Moon Under. Yellow is the new black. I love this color right now! Would love this coat... 5 - Burberry Stud Rainboots, $350 on stylehive.com. Completely unreasonable, but very cute, and "wellies" are a must-have here. 6 - Jessica Simpson triangle knit scarf, $65. I hate to say this, but she did something well. Summer days are not too cool, but they are breezy, and this scarf just would do the trick. 7 - Celtic jewelry is just gorgeous. This ring is $550, and absolutely stunning. There is a lot of symbolism they place in their jewelry, particularly wedding bands. Lovers knots and Eternity knots are found everywhere. The Scots are faithful and loyal to the death - to their country and to each other - and you can see it in the spirit of the citizens today. I love that their freedom and their country and their love for each other is cherished here. It's just beautiful.

final exams.

2010-07-16T20:26:00.001-05:00

Here I am, getting ready for final exams again, exactly one year after what I thought would be my last final exams ever. Lies. I'm never going to stop learning, and getting tested over it, for that matter.

And what do I do best during finals? Not study.

I always end up getting it done, but I've found that my coping mechanism for dealing with things that stress me out is sometimes not dealing with them. Out of mind, out of sight, right? Or is it out of sight, out of mind?...... Maybe I need to re-evaluate my strategies. I may have been getting my idiom backwards. Idiot. (If you're noticing that "idiot" is a minimal pair to "idiom," and thinking how lucky that is to use them for dramatic effect, stop thinking and start applauding. I did that on purpose. Of course, if you're not familiar with phonetics and/or linguistics, you just think I'm a nerd. You may think I'm a nerd anyways. You are correct.)

I have also found that I do my best work under pressure...ergo...increase the pressure and increase the output. Does that mean my procrastination and "out of mind, out of sight" philosophy is actually helping me? If A leads to B, then by all means, promote A (that is, only if you really want B). Procrastination for the win! Logic for the win!

This weekend, to help with my promotion of A (that is, procrastination), I will be attending a family reunion all day Saturday, moving into a new apartment all day Sunday, and packing for Scotland and Ireland in between these extensive events. I think I've got A covered.

Let's not think about B (success of my finals) just yet. Let's think about where I'll be in less than a week.

The first two images are in Scotland, and the second is from Ireland. I'll be staying at Stirling University, in Stirling, Scotland, home of Stirling Castle and William Wallace Monument (see pics below).

Here is the University.

The Castle.

William Wallace Monument (think Braveheart).

(Get excited Kelley Nease!)

This one will be there with me!!! :)

More importantly, however, the day before I leave for Scotland, I will be doing this:

Sneaking into pools.

Growing mustaches.

Going to McDonald's.

Skydiving.

Checkin' out the Newsboys.

Wrapping boys' houses. No we aren't middle schoolers. Yes, we still know how to have fun.

Dressing up.

Being best buds.

Getting dressed up and looking pretty (and sharing closets).

Listening to Ray.

Giving SEB dreds. (And calling me SEB again.)

Dressing up again (a little scarier this time).

Enjoying the spotlight.

Together again :).

Here's to three years of living in the Pink House, four years of friendship (and counting), and soon to be sharing a room (maybe even bunk beds eventually....so we have more play space of course).

Can't wait to take Dallas by storm with you.

the unmarked grave.

2010-07-04T16:45:00.001-05:00

The dirt runs through my fingers as I grasp for bigger and bigger handfuls.
My fingernails are dirty; the creases in my hand are tainted brown.
I can't work fast enough.
Over and over again I bend to scoop up the rich, black soil that was so painstakingly piled.
Over and over again I throw it vehemently into the deep, black hole sitting at its side.
My tears mix to make mud that slows me down.
Puddles form as I pause, and I look into the well of shame and regret
Only to see my own blue eyes staring back at me.
Glistening, not sad, they are brimming and full of hope.
Barely noticing the ache in my back from my burden of meticulous toil,
I bend, often to my knees, to fill more and more of the depression.
The more I labor, the less I see of my face looking up at me
Until the ground is level and the semblance of me is gone.
Helpless to save myself, I had dug this grave - my only talent heaping death upon death.
Yet here I stand.
My salty tears have rendered this soil useless at the foot of a broken and battered wooden cross -
Bare, because the one who died on it was sent to the grave that I had just filled -
He had risen and was no longer dead.
I was.
No more will come of this mortal flesh soon to be eaten by worms.
No more dirt to move.
No more graves to dig.
It is finished.
I grasp the cross with both hands, bracing the ground with my feet to release it from it's station.
This grave needs no marker for it will not be revisited.
Beaming, I take up the cross to follow the Man who should be dead with my sin
But instead has given me new and abundant life.
I will never go back.

i can't wait for this.

2010-07-03T23:24:00.001-05:00

oops.

2010-07-03T12:32:00.000-05:00

I tripped today while I was running.

How embarrassing...

think think think.

2010-06-29T23:34:00.000-05:00

Well some things never change. Here I am, the night before my first test in Grad school, and my mind is overflowing with thoughts - not on phonetics, of course, but on life, love, shooting stars, the mystery of the Gospel, obedience in trials, true religion, etc. Some of my best thinking occurs when I should be thinking about other things. Funny.

Actually, I've been thinking quite a lot, recently. So much so that I feel somewhat like Winnie the Pooh.

I have too many thoughts to make up one post, but it needs to start getting down on paper so that my mind can begin to see things clearer. God has been showing me so much lately, through sermons, songs, conversations with friends, books I'm reading, and scripture.

He's teaching me about obedience - a necessary function of grace.
He's teaching me about loneliness - how joy and happiness are very different, and how happiness is not required to have joy.
He's teaching me about sacrifice - how my life is lacking and yet longing for this.
He's teaching me about longing - how it's Holy and good and blessed when it is for the right things.
He is teaching me about His kingdom - I finally am beginning to truly understand in my heart what a treasure it is.
He's teaching me about wisdom - and how it's not something in mind, but in heart and action.

Mostly, He's teaching me about the Gospel - what a mystery! What a romance! We have condensed it to become logical, reasonable, and tame. Let it loose! Refuse to understand it, but let Him woo us! This is my favorite to think about recently, because I am getting glimpses of His crazy love for us, and how it compels us to truly live. How many of us can say we truly live?

This is my goal - to truly live that the Father may be glorified through the Son in me.

Think think think...

famous fridays: hudson taylor.

2010-06-25T13:14:00.001-05:00

On this day in history, June 25, 1865, Hudson Taylor founded China Inland Mission. Today this missions organization is known as Overseas Missionary Fellowship International.

A long time ago, I read a biography of Hudson Taylor, although I must admit that I don't remember much of it. One thing does stand out to me, though, that I never forgot, and that was his prayer life. Whether he was in England, where he was born and raised, or China, where he spent most of his life and died, his existence was focused on prayer. He said that he resolved "to move man, through God, by prayer alone," even practicing this discipline in prayer for his boss to remember to pay him his salary. Time and time again the Lord answered, fulfilling one of Taylor's favorite promises in John 14:13, "Whatsoever ye shall ask in my name, that I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son."

Hudson's mother found this verse while praying for the salvation of her son, and began rejoicing in the fact that Hudson was saved two weeks before she confirmed this. She rejoiced because she knew; she believed the promise Jesus spoke, that whatever we ask in His name, that He will do.

I want to include the following story I read about Hudson to highlight an important point that I am learning right now:

On January 20, 1858, Hudson Taylor married Maria Dyer, a missionary located at Ningpo. In the summer of 1867 their little Gracie, eight years old, idol of their hearts, fell critically ill. A few days earlier Gracie saw a man making an idol. "Oh, Papa," she exclaimed seriously, "he doesn't know about Jesus or he would never do that! Won't you tell him?" He did so, the little girl following with eager interest. Later on she prayed most earnestly for the idol maker and for all the idol-making, idol-worshiping Chinese.

Just a week later Gracie was dying. Their loss was overwhelming and the tempter whispered, "Your God has forsaken you." But the father wrote a few weeks later: "Our dear little Gracie! How we miss her sweet voice ... and the sparkle of those bright eyes. But He who said, 'I will never leave thee,' is with us ... nothing can ever substitute for the Presence of Christ."

Excerpt from this biography.

I am afraid that we often read John 14:13 and we interpret it naively to think that whatever we ask in His name, He will do. But isn't that the promise? Yes. It is the promise. But the promise is fulfilled when "the Father is glorified in the Son" through whatever He does. Hudson Taylor knew this, for while I'm sure he prayed fervently for the health of his Gracie, and I'm sure he believed with all of his heart that the Lord heard him and would answer, He knew something of even greater importance. Nothing can ever substitute for the Presence of Christ. Nothing! His trust was not in the prayer that he was waiting to be answered. His trust was in the glory of God!

What a testimony of faith. To pray with complete confidence, not in the response, but in the responder. For nothing can ever substitute for the Presence of Christ, not even an answered prayer.

good morning!

2010-06-24T11:02:00.000-05:00

I realize that it is now 11am, but I will still say good morning, because it has been a great one!
Woke up at 6.
Snoozed until 7.
Hit the road to the lake at 7:30.
Chatted with sweet Amy and Summer until 8.
Cycled until 9.
Stopped by Albertson's to pick up shampoo and Gatorade.
Made it out with conditioner somehow instead.
Homemade smoothie (banana, blueberry, cantaloupe, honey, protein powder, milk).
Skyped Amanda.
And now to read and write until lunch with my grandparents.
Whew.

And this little playlist kept me running and smiling. Enjoy:
John Mayer - In Your Atmosphere
John Mayer - Why Georgia
John Mayer - Bold as Love
(can't ever get enough of him)
Mumford & Sons - The Cave
Mumford & Sons - Awake my Soul
Muse - The Resistance
Muse - Muscle Museum
DMB - JTR (John the Revelator)
(gotta get my Dave in for the day, of course)
Wakey!Wakey! - Brooklyn
(as featured on One Tree Hill...no judgement, I love that show)

same blog, new background.

2010-06-15T07:35:00.001-05:00

I like change.

I got tired of looking at a looming mountain with raindrops.

I wanted Fall leaves, but I decided to wait until Fall and opt for a "summer scene."

This will be a good practice in patience.

10 things: dallas edition.

2010-06-13T15:32:00.006-05:00

Dallas. What's not to like about it? Well I can think of a few things. I'm also discovering many "loves" in this city. Here is my rundown thus far.

10. Dallas is not a college town.
I love this! While there are several Universities in and around Dallas (UT Dallas, SMU, TCU, DTS, Baylor, etc.), Dallas does not spring to life based on the constituents of these schools. It's nice to live in a city and not be assumed to be in school, even though I am. I am enjoying being an active member of a city, not just of a school. Verdict? "Like"

9. There are so many churches to choose from!
College Station definitely had variety, but nothing like here. I could spend years trying to find one to get involved in. It looks like I'm going to just pick one that I know is good, and stick with it. Right now that looks like Watermark Community Church. I agree with their beliefs, like what I've heard, and have loved the messages on Sundays. They also have a large community of believers my age, and reach out to young adults on Tuesday nights at The Porch, drawing in many people who are not yet involved in church. I'm excited to be a part of this community. Verdict? "Like"

8. Shopping.
I feel like one word does this justice. I have never been anywhere that had shopping opportunities on every corner. Houston isn't even this exquisite! And much of it is very high-end shopping. I feel rich just walking around these stores. The first weekend I was here I needed to purchase some khaki pants and a couple of shirts to wear to my Observation Practicum (where I observe speech therapy), so I wisely headed up to the Outlet Malls in Allen, and bought everything I needed from Gap Outlet. My pants were $16, my shirts were under $25, and I threw in a cute pair of sandals for $15. Very reasonable. Well, I caved a couple of days ago and went to Anthropologie, which is one of my favorite stores, but not in my budget. Of course, I purchased something two shirts. I'm not going to post them because then you'll see how much they were. Oh, what the heck, I'll show you. They are so cute.

Apparently the second one is in the online section for "intimates," where in the store I thought it was a shirt. Oops. It's cute regardless. Anyway, I will not be shopping anymore, especially since I'm learning to practice living simply and radically so that I will have the opportunity to give more away to people in need. If you need to shop, however, Dallas is the place to do it. Verdict? "Dislike"

7. Cost of living.
Along the same lines as the previous point, it costs more to live here than College Station, or even Houston. Everything is just a tiny bit more expensive. Probably because the atmosphere is so great and fun. Regardless, it's a shocker to spend 10 bucks on a movie ticket when I'm used to only dishing out 4. I have found ways around this, shopping at the Dallas Farmer's Market, cooking, packing my lunch, and limiting my entertainment (such as movies) for the weekends. But overall, I would have to say: Verdict? "Dislike"

6. Restaurants & Entertainment.
While we are on the topic, I must say that I love the variety. After living in College Station for 5 years where the variety was limited, I have enjoyed having options to choose from. There are almost too many. I typically return to my favorite place over and over again, but with so many restaurants to pick from, I feel guilty not giving them a try. Verdict? "Like"

5. If you want to go out, you have to dress up.
This is something that I have never understood (just ask my mother, who used to fight me tooth and nail to get me to wear something other than jeans and a t-shirt). College Station was a wonderful "transition" for me because frankly, I didn't have to transition. Jeans and t-shirts were everywhere. I am staying with a friend in Highland Park right now, one of the best areas of Dallas, and at dinner with one of her friends, I quickly learned the protocol around here. Madeline (my roommate) was saying how her daughter had left the house with her hair wet on a few occasions (there's something wrong with that?), and her friend quickly agreed. She said to me, "I guess wet hair is better than dirty hair, but NEVER leave the house with your hair wet, and AT LEAST put some mascara and lipstick on. Then at least people will see that you've tried." I couldn't believe she was telling me this! My mom would probably say that she can't believe I needed to be told this! I guess this is innate knowledge around these parts. Needless, to say, I see the value in looking presentable while you're out. You never know who you will see (boss, clients, future husband, etc.). Two weeks here and I have never gone out with my hair wet (well, once I ran in to get a cookie after swimming). Verdict? "Learning to like"

4. Going out requires planning ahead.
In College Station, just about everywhere I needed to be was 5-10 minutes away. This doesn't require much planning ahead, and it never required getting on the highway. Goodbye to small-town traffic and last-minute planning. Thankfully, Madeline knows all the back ways, so I really haven't experienced much traffic. I do, however have to leave 20-30 minutes before I have to be somewhere. Verdict? "Dislike"

3. It's like I'm a freshman in college all over again.
I'm learning how to meet people again. It's odd to have to start all over. I have to remind myself not to get creeped out when strangers come talk to me. Everyone's a stranger! That's why we must talk - to meet people. We must be cautious, but not fearful. I'm rediscovering the joys of meeting new friends, building up acquaintances, and stepping out into new social settings. Verdict? "Learning to like"

2. With a new place comes a new culture.
Add up all the points I mentioned above, and you get "Dallas culture." The people here tend to be pretty material, enjoy the comforts of living in a booming metropolis, and have a knack for fashion and good eats. Most of them also go to church. Enter someone who easily loves the poor, the strange, the tatooed, the weird, and the needy, and I feel lost. God is ironic, isn't he? Teaching me to love the people I find it hardest to love, and placing me in a situation where I will struggle to cling to Him. It's funny how He does that, but I am excited about learning to be "in" this culture without being "of" it. Two weeks here and I can already tell it's going to be difficult. But that is my calling. That is my mission. Like Paul said in 1 Corinthians 9:22, "I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some." Verdict? "Learning to like"

1. White Rock Lake.
I have saved the best for last. Yesterday, Tiffany and I went and rode around White Rock Lake. I fell in love. There is a bike/run path that circles the lake, and there is no point where you are farther than about 50 yards from the shore, and often you are just a few feet away. One of the things I was worried about was that being in a big city would prevent me from being able to run and bike and be active outside. Dallas has actually proven to be a better place than College Station for this. What a blessing! I am a mere 10 minutes from the lake where I can either ride 9 miles around or 11 miles around. The lake path connects to White Rock Creek Trail that goes north another 7 miles. What a great ride! And all out of traffic. I plan on going back one morning or afternoon this week. Verdict? "LOVE"

i want my life to mean nothing.

2010-06-12T23:09:00.002-05:00

This is an excerpt from David Platt's new book Radical:

One Christian in India, while being skinned alive, looked at his persecutors and said,

"I thank you for this. Tear off my old garment, for I will soon put on Christ's garment of righteousness." As he prepared to head to his execution, Christopher Love wrote a note to his wife, saying, Today they will sever me from my physical head, but they cannot sever me from my spiritual head, Christ." As he walked to his death, his wife applauded while he sang of glory.

As he walked to his death, his wife applauded while he sang of glory.

The first time I read these words I cried. This kind of love is elusive to my paltry emotions. A love that applauds death, applauds detachment from the things of this world, even when those things are dearly loved themselves. How great a love for Jesus to applaud His glory, and her husband's soon union with his Maker. I cannot fathom, but I wish I could. My heart twinges as I read of this, and the faintest idea I have of it is enough to make me yearn.

I pray fervently that I, that we, could love nothing so much that we could not lay it on the altar for the glory of God, if asked. I would hazard to say that I pray that none of us would have to act out our sacrificial love, but now I wonder at that mindset. What great joy may be found in laying down that which we had thought so wonderful! I do not know now, but I pray that I would know this joy.

St. Augustine writes a similar sentiment in his Confessions:

How sweet did it suddenly become to me to be without the sweetness of trifles! And it was now a joy to put away what I formerly feared to lose. For thou didst cast them away from me, O true and highest Sweetness. Thou didst cast them away, and in their place thou didst enter in thyself--sweeter than all pleasure, though not to flesh and blood; brighter than all light, but more veiled than all mystery; more exalted than all honor, though not to them that are exalted in their own eyes. Now was my soul free from the gnawing cares of seeking and getting, of wallowing in the mire and scratching the itch of lust. And I prattled like a child to thee, O Lord my God--my light, my riches, and my salvation.

Whatever it takes, I want to know this sweet joy. To know the joy that Christopher Love's wife experienced as she applauded his martyrdom. I want my life to be nothing, to have nothing, and to mean nothing without the sweet joy of my Savior and my abandonment to Him.

discovering dallas: day #4

2010-06-04T15:30:00.001-05:00

Crooked Tree Coffeehouse.
A delight. Snuggled in an old residential area, founded by two Aggies, this is truly a find in Urban Dallas. It feels more like Austin. Or maybe your grandma's house. It's in an old home, so you really are just sitting in someone else's living room. I loved it. I ordered the French press coffee and drank the whole thing black. ("The whole thing" ended up being about four cups of coffee. Bring on the jitters!) The kind lady that served me said, "Here is your dessert," and boy was she right. No sugar and cream necessary.

Her name is Donna Renee and she is just lovely - looking to start her PhD at UT Dallas, so we chatted a bit. I imagine I will become a regular at Crooked Tree. If you'd like to join me, just let me know.

there is a design.

2010-06-04T14:47:00.000-05:00

No, there is not a formula to life, but there is a design. There is not a list of simple steps to follow that will add up, creating an equation that gives the answer to life, and love, and why (Switchfoot reference). But praise God there is a design. There is an end picture that life adds up to, and we all paint different lines and shades, and use different brushes and mediums, but we have direction. We have guidance. We have a design that we are all creating, and we are not in the dark. We know the design. We may have to paint over our mistakes, but the end is crystal clear in light of our Maker - our Designer.

I have been listening to the band Mumford and Sons, recommended by several of my friends, and I just love them. One of their songs, Sigh No More, depicts this idea beautifully. You can listen to it below. My favorite portion goes like this:

Love that will not betray you, dismay or enslave you,
It will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be.
There is a design,
An alignment to cry,
Of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be

The beauty of love as it was made to be. It was made to set you free. I had lunch with my dear friend Abby today, and she is the epitome of this. She has overcome many challenges and hardships this year, and has trusted so sweetly in the freeing love of Jesus. Her life and love is an encouragement to me, and an example of the freedom that comes from knowing that Jesus has the design, and it's beautiful, and it's meant to set you free.

Amen.

my prayer.

2010-05-24T15:38:00.001-05:00

Two things I ask of you, O LORD;
       do not refuse me before I die:
  Keep falsehood and lies far from me;
       give me neither poverty nor riches,
       but give me only my daily bread.
  Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you
       and say, 'Who is the LORD ?'
       Or I may become poor and steal,
       and so dishonor the name of my God.

Proverbs 30:7-9

http://francischansblog.blogspot.com/2008/07/prayer-americans-refuse-to-pray.html

singleness.

2010-05-12T09:11:00.003-05:00

Someone told me the other day that they were going to get married before me. When they said this, the half of me that is 23 and still single was cringing (not that 23 is old, but the majority of my 23 year old friends are "with" someone, betrothed, married, or with child), and the half of me that is proud was fuming. Embarrassed rage. I had never experienced that combo before. Usually the two emotions are opposing each other, and usually the responses are on opposite ends of the spectrum. For me, however, both cause my face to turn red. I was really red. It was night though. Phew.

It only lasted a few seconds, because I was sure it was a joke. Then these words came out of the perpetrator's mouth: "No really, I'm not kidding. I'm going to get married before you." God has a sense of humor, right? This would be the perfect instance to display irony.

My friend then went into this spiel that the reason was not any fault of my own, but rather that he just couldn't picture me with anyone. He stated that I was "too good" for any man he knew, and that I would "need" someone extraordinary, and he just couldn't imagine that.

I dismissed the situation as socially awkward at the fault of my friend, and then invalidated everything he said based on that fact. But then I started thinking about what he had said.

The Lord has been teaching me what He feels about singleness. He loves it! Paul says that singleness is a gift, and that marriage is a gift, and teaches us to be thankful and productive with our respective gifts - not to desire the other gift, and not to remain idle in any place. I'm tired of hearing "your time will come soon." What time? Usually when people talk about "time coming" it's referring to 1. Birth - "It's time!" or 2. Death - "His time was up." Now it's marriage - your time will come. And what if I don't have a "time?" Am I defective?? And I didn't realize "time" came for a specific set of people. Doesn't time just keep coming no matter what??

The whole thing just seems odd to me. Here is what I think (and a lot of my thoughts come from a sermon I heard at the Village, but I can't remember who was preaching). I think that singleness has become a stepping-stone to "the other side" when it should be a side in and of itself. You're either single, or you're married. You're not a youth, and then single, and then an adult when you get married. You're born single, and then you might get married.

1 Corinthians 7 talks about how we should live, be it single or married. The gift of singleness is that we can serve the Lord single-minded. Our only concern is what the Lord wants. How beautiful is that. And yet as singles, we roll into church 30 minutes late, waste time sitting on our couch with TV dinners, use our independence and money to vacation more, play more, and consume more. We should be early to church - greeting, serving in the nursery, teaching Sunday school, etc. because we have time! We should stay late because we don't have kids to pick up, lunch to make for our family, and 4x the amount of laundry to do on Sunday afternoon.

And married people - appreciate our singleness! Don't tell us to wait on "our time." Encourage us to serve as we are. 1 Corinthians 7:29-31 says, "What I mean, brothers, is that the time is short. From now on those who have wives should live as if they had none; those who mourn, as if they did not; those who are happy, as if they were not; those who buy something, as if it were not theirs to keep; those who use the things of the world, as if not engrossed in them. For this world in its present form is passing away."

I think my friend really was complimenting me, whether he intended to or not. It is my prayer that people would not look at me or my single friends and immediately think that we need spouses. The fact that he cannot imagine me married means that maybe I'm living well now. It's my prayer that I would continue, that we would continue in this manner - serving the Lord whole-heartedly, unashamedly, and unhindered, going wherever He calls, whether it be into full-time ministry, teaching, the business world, missions, or into marriage.

insane love.

2010-05-02T22:12:00.003-05:00

Open my mouth to drink the life -
To sip on this cup you have brought me -
To gulp down what's inside -
To fill my gasping lungs until their feeble attempts at breath are drowned out,
Until my feeble attempts at living cease and desist.
I swallow and my soul feeds off of the richness you have brought with this water turned to wine...
To wine.
I expected less, but with each swallow it burns an unforgettable impression -
A thousand years is not enough.
A thousand years.
So celebrate we will - the taste, the sweetness, the joy.
My cup overflows and the last drop is unimaginable,
Until my eyelids lift and spot the empty cup.
A dream has surpassed my imagination, crowding out reality in favor of insanity -
For love.
A smile wisps on the corners of my mouth and I close my mind to the world in favor of my dream.
A thousand years is not enough.

inspired by Dave Matthews Band's "Two Step"

save as draft.

2010-04-18T22:53:00.002-05:00

I keep writing posts and saving them as drafts. It's like the B-team of writing - I have all of these thoughts that I've benched for the season, or until further notice.

It's times like these that I turn on music and just sit, staring at my computer screen until my mind vomits all over the keys. But then instead of publishing, I save to drafts.

Most of these end up being published a few months later, but some never make it. Those are the most honest of them all that I'm saving for....? So I guess when I find myself drafting and not publishing, I find myself being the most honest, real, and raw, with myself and with God.

When I'm not posting, it reveals that I'm questioning and unsure, but I will say this because this I am sure of: my God is good.

Hopefully I'll begin blogging again soon :).

cover stories.

2010-04-08T21:36:00.000-05:00

Music is everything to me. And not just to me, to many others. A woman in her 70s told me today that music was her other language, and when she didn't know what to say, she could find the music that could say it for her. When I'm 70, I hope I still let music speak to me, and for me.

That being said, I love it when artists cover other artists. There is something humble and intriguing about a renowned and talented individual singing someone else's work. It shows respect, admiration, and also reveals something about their soul - about what touches and moves them.

Here are some of my favorite covers:

1. Lenka - Gravity Rides Everything (by Modest Mouse)

2. Dave Matthews & Tim Reynolds - The Maker (by Daniel Lanois)

3. Regina Spektor - Real Love (by John Lennon)

4. Ingrid Michaelson - Skinny Love (by Bon Iver)
*also found on my friend Jenna's blog.

5. Dave Matthews Band - Blackbird (by The Beatles)

6. John Mayer - Free Fallin' (by Tom Petty)

real love.

2010-04-07T08:45:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I get in these moods that some might call sappy. Call it what you want, but I choose to believe my heart just feels a little bit more on these days. Everything is exactly as it seems, and nothing is exactly as it seems. It's as if there is an edge to life, and I'm teetering on the brink of greatness or despair. I choose greatness, of course, but at the end of either road the air is heavy with feeling - emotions, passion, adventure, love.

I stumbled upon a treasure this morning - one of my favorite artists covering one of my other favorite artists (Regina Spektor, John Lennon). It's beautiful. It's a reminder to me not to lose hope, and encouragement to trust in the God that is Love. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

No need to be alone. No need to be afraid. It's real love.

Regina Spektor - Real Love

famous fridays: liz chivvis.

2010-03-26T17:13:00.000-05:00

Liz Chivvis. Mother of two, wife of one, political genius, passionate questioner, and incredible photographer.

I had the privilege of sharing a meal with Liz today, and enjoyed topics as wide-ranging as healthcare, traveling, Missions, and rhetoric. We talked for over two hours! I think that anyone meeting Liz would feel as though they had known her for years. I can't wait to hang out with her again.

One of her passions is photography, and she is quite talented. I would love for you to enjoy her photography as well. Look for it to be displayed at The Village Cafe for the month of April! Her pieces are for sale.

If you need a photographer or a fun lunch date, I'm sure she would be willing to comply :).

Thanks for such a fun afternoon, Liz!!

lizchivvisphotography.com

a citizen's response.

2010-03-22T10:12:00.000-05:00

In light of the events that passed last night in Congress, and the words spoken by our President, I feel it necessary to respond. I feel compelled, rather, to exercise my voice and my rights as a citizen. After careful consideration and prayer (yes, prayer, because God cares about matters of the state as well), I believe the only response I have was penned years ago by the Continental Congress in the Declaration of Independence. I recommend you read the entire document. It is long, but it contains foundational rights that we built America on. Rights that were once esteemed high enough to die for. Here are some excerpts that I feel are exceptionally appropriate at this time.

"Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed"

"He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good."

"He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their Public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures."

"He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harass our people and eat out their substance."

"He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation:...For imposing Taxes on us without our Consent."

Here is where we now feel helpless. We have spoken and are not being heard. Watch the final arguments of Republican Minority leader John Boehner here. His emotional and desperate plea speaks volumes.

"In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Prince, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people."

My hope and prayer is that after all of this, the American people will not be silent. My hope and prayer is that as free citizens of our God-given country, we will join together to hold fast to the values that John Hancock supported when he signed the Declaration of Independence, not tolerating injustice and evil, but saying,

"But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security."

of the cottage cheese variety.

2010-03-19T11:58:00.000-05:00

I made waffles this morning - prepared my own batter, used my own waffle iron (or rather, my parents' waffle iron), and then topped them off with fresh strawberries that I sliced and sort of mashed together in an attempt to make them juicy.

I was going so well until I forgot to spray the waffle iron with PAM. Unfortunately, I poured too much batter, causing the machine to steam and bounce up and down on the counter as if it was mad. No, furious. After one loud pop, however, a startled gasp and jump back on my part, and a chuckle from my dad walking by, my waffles were done.

I love waffles. Especially when they're hot and covered in butter and slathered with maple syrup. Mmm. You can never just eat one. Always two. Two waffles is just perfect, so much so, that waffle irons come in twos! Two waffles pop out at a time. Perfect.

The problem is not in making two waffles to eat at a time. The probelm is in the amount of calories that have been ingested after those two waffles are gone. 780. These delicious treats don't come cheap - 390 calories a pop. And that's without syrup. Syrup is a whopping 230 calories per 2 ounces. Who only puts 2 ounces of syrup on their waffles? That would only fill up two cubbie holes...maybe! I am in the habit of drenching that sucker. Fill all those cubbie holes until they're overflowing and then fill 'em up again!

Well, I've decided that it is not okay to eat over 1,000 calories for breakfast, so I searched for some alternatives and decided to give some "healthy" waffles a try. They really are healthy, I promise.

There they are. They look deceivingly similar to their 1,000 calorie cousins, but these two waffles come in at a grand total of 350 calories, strawberries included. Wow! The secret? Cottage cheese. Now don't stop reading because you have a prejudice against cottage cheese. The final product tastes nothing like cottage cheese. The cheese is blended with water and oil and egg whites to create the liquid for the batter. The main ingredient is oatmeal (dry oats). The batter is sweetened by low-calorie sweetener (the recipe calls for Equal; I used Stevia) and vanilla.

It was good! I recommend you trying the recipe. I ate a slice of turkey aftewards because frankly, I love turkey, and also because I find that I need a little more protein than most to make it to the next meal. All in all, my breakfast was 410 calories, I ate at 8:30 this morning, and I am still satisfied as noon is approaching.

Now, if you're expecting these cuties to taste like they're 1,000 calories, they won't. That's placing unreasonable expectations on our cottage cheese/oatmeal mixture (appetizing?). But they taste good - much like oatmeal or a bran muffin, and the fresh fruit on top sweetens the dish.

Be brave! After all, you're cutting over half your calories as well as making a meal that will stick with you until lunch.

Ingredients:
1/4 cup cottage cheese
1/4 cup egg substitute, (or 2 egg whites)
1/2 cup water
1 teaspoon olive oil
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
2/3 cup oatmeal
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
2 packets "Equal" sweetener

Toppings:
1/3 Cup unsweetened applesauce
OR
1 Cup Strawberries, slightly mashed
OR
1 Cup Raspberries

Directions:
In a food processor blend cottage cheese, egg sub, water, vanilla, and olive oil until smooth.
Put oatmeal, baking powder and sweetener in food processor or blender and process until powdered.
Mix the dry and the wet ingredients to form a batter.
As the mixture stands it will thicken and it may be necessary to add more water, (a tablespoon at a time), to a get smooth, not lumpy, consistency.
Cook in a waffle iron according to the iron's specifications.

into marvelous light.

2010-03-02T18:19:00.005-06:00

left right.
left right.
left right.

I just keep running.

left right.
left right.
left right.

With each gasp I breathe a little deeper.
With each length I leave a little more behind.

And my heart pounds.
Harder and harder it pounds.
And it feels bound in my chest, like it's attempting to break free -
To beat its way out of its confines.
To feel free.

I just keep running.

left right.
left right.
left right.

With each step my heart beats louder.
With each beat my gait gets faster.

And my heart pounds.
Faster and faster it pounds.
Matching the rhythm of my feet, like it's attempting to flee -
Running from the cavity in my chest.
To feel free.

I just keep running.

left right.
left right.
left right.

With each mile I leave more behind.
With each mile I wonder why.

And my heart pounds.
Mile after mile it pounds.
Always compelling me to run further and further away -
Leaving a trail of worn concrete and dust.
To feel free.

I just keep running.

left right.
left right.

left right.

With astonishment my pace slows.
With wonder my heart asks.

And my heart pounds.
Question after question it pounds.
Racing with adrenaline and the urgency of my cry -
Where are you going...
To feel free?

left right.

left right.

left

right.

I stop.

With certainty I turn and look at the stretches of road where I have been.
With clarity I am thankful that I have run this far.

And my heart pounds.
Slower and slower it pounds.
The rich beats speak of the darkness from which I have come -
But the future asks the past for no explanation
To be free.

My chest burns as my heart races to the finish that my feet have forgotten.
And slowly I see the light ahead.
Beckoning me.
Calling me.

left

right.

left right.

left right.
left right.
left right.

Into marvelous light I'm running.

famous fridays: ernie halter

2010-02-26T23:39:00.005-06:00

I went to dinner with a good friend of mine last night. We enjoyed sushi: shared the rainbow roll and the volcano roll. I love sushi. At dinner, I learned that this friend of mine, Zach Johnson, had recently purchased a metal detector. Why? Because while throwing snow balls in College Station, his Aggie ring slipped off, never to be found again (several things are wrong with this sentence, the biggest one being that there was, in fact, snow in College Station). But it was found, thanks to Walmart and their shelves stocked with metal detectors.

After dinner we headed over to Mugwalls, met up with Rikki, and enjoyed what we thought was going to be a small concert highlighting local artists. Little did we know that a celebrity was in our midst. Mr. Ernie Halter was friends with one of the other performers, and had driven in from L.A. He has three albums out, has "jammed with John Mayer" and co-written a song with the lead from Lady Antebellum (we learned this from the man himself). He was incredible. He has an acoustic/blues feel to him, with slow beats that beg for listeners to sigh deeply while cuddled up by the fire with a good cup of coffee, as well as dancing rhythms that inspire foot taps and head nods. His sound is rich, and raw, and he belts out his songs like he means every word, and I truly believe that he does. As for uniqueness, on several of his tracks he plays a Ukulele.

So check him out! Here is his myspace where you can hear full tracks for free. I recommend his song Lisa which is inspired by the melody of the classical Fur Elise by Beethoven.

famous fridays: sidney poitier

2010-02-20T20:00:00.003-06:00

I know it's not Friday, but I got a little busy yesterday and had to put this post off. I'm glad I did, though, because today is one of my favorite actor's birthdays. Sidney Poitier was born today in 1927. I liked him in the movie "To Sir, with Love." He plays a teacher in an inner-city school, trying to motivate seniors to study and learn, when all they know is to survive. He changes his tactics after a few futile weeks, switching from an English curriculum to a course in "life-skills." His goal was to give these troubled seniors a skill-set that they could use - cooking, changing the oil in their cars, cleaning, sewing, etc. His thought was that by teaching his students how to take care of themselves he would give them self-respect, enabling them to take responsibility for themselves and their futures. Brilliant.

I find myself probably at the end of my schooling, and at the beginning of my life in the "real world." I don't have Sidney Poitier to teach me these things, however. Thankfully, I had wonderful parents who raised me and taught me what they could, but you can only teach so much. Poitier couldn't guarantee success for his students. They had to go out and experience life, and learn, and live. And that's what we do. We leave home. We go experience life. We have to fall, and pick ourselves up again. We make mistakes on our own, and we learn to not make them again. We figure out what we have to do to survive, and we learn what it takes to laugh, and smile. And we grow up.

Today I went to the grocery store and bought my groceries for this week. I boiled a whole chicken, made a casserole of chicken spaghetti so I would have something to eat for dinner this week when I get busy, and then used the leftover chicken to make homemade chicken salad so that I could make sandwiches this week for lunch. Recently I've been thinking about what it's going to really mean to "be on my own," to be alone. It's a pretty big idea to wrap my mind around. I have nothing to relate it to. Today I felt for the first time that I was going to be okay. I've known it in my head, but today my heart felt it. It's funny what a good casserole and a couple of good decisions can do for your soul.

By the way, I get all my recipes from the Pioneer Woman, lately. She makes it just a little bit easier to be on your own.

abraham and running.

2010-02-14T20:44:00.003-06:00

If my plans had worked out, I would be exhausted today, tired from finishing my first Marathon. But I'm not. Due to a small injury and a vicious virus, I was unable to run. It's hard to train for 15 weeks and not accomplish the goal. Yes, I'm disappointed. But no, I'm not devastated. I am (almost) thankful. A more accurate description of me would be forced gratitude as I see God teaching me even in something as seemingly insignificant as running.

When I started training regularly this summer, I saw my discipline and my faith grow immensely. It was as if the physical challenge was helping me grow spiritually - helping me step out in faith and trust. So when I completed my first triathlon, I just switched gears and continued my training with a marathon in mind. The discipline continued. I continued making my training a priority in my life because it was so beneficial to my sanity, my high-energy personality, and my spiritual growth. I was so focused that I failed to realize that it was beginning to replace my time with the Lord. Something that was once helpful, had become harmful because I had made it more important than what it was helping in the first place.

I truly believe that God works in everything. God cares about everything. Even running. I believe that my injury was God showing me where my priorities were. When God told Abraham to go to the land of Canaan, Abraham decided to go to Egypt because there was a famine in Canaan. He wasn't trusting God to take care of him. In Egypt, he ran into all kinds of trouble, including pimping Sarah off to Pharaoh as his sister - not exactly honoring her or God. But God was gracious, and in Genesis 13, Abraham took his family back to Canaan "unto the place where his tent had been at the beginning....unto the place of the altar which he had made there at the first: and there, Abram called upon the name of the Lord." He went back to where he had started, where he had heard the Lord calling him.

It is definitely a bummer that I didn't run 26.2 miles this morning. It would have been a bigger bummer, though, if I had continued complacently in my ways, running down a path I didn't want to be on. Thank God I'm back where I started.

This summer training began as an exercise of my faith - a tangible way for me to step out and practice trusting the Lord. I began to rely on it as the foundation for everything I did. My time with the Lord and my relationship with Him is my foundation. Running is an exercise of the faith I have - challenging myself and pushing my boundaries so that I am always reminded that my strength comes from the Lord. Running for you may be some other challenge or passion or goal. For me, running keeps me on track. It's a daily reminder that my strength comes from the Lord, a daily reminder that I can always do more than I think I can, a daily reminder to leave complacency behind and seek to be pushed and stretched out of my comfort zone. This is meaningless, however, when my foundation is not firm in Christ.

I see my set-back as a beautiful opportunity to train harder, stronger, and better - to remember that everything I do must be founded in the Lord. Everything. Even something as simple as putting one foot in front of the other, over and over and over again.

famous fridays: ralph waldo emerson

2010-02-12T10:14:00.004-06:00

"It's Friday!" The cry of joy all across the world. Some look back, sighing in relief after a long, hard week. Others look forward, smiling in anticipation of a good weekend. Friday. It's either the end of the week or the beginning of the weekend, but rarely do we take Friday as a day in and of itself. I'd like to pause for a moment and enjoy Friday for what it is. It's not Monday. It's not hump day. It's not those long work-days in between. It's 24 hours that I won't get to appreciate again until 7 more days have passed.

So here's a "famous Friday" for you. It only comes once a week. Don't miss it.

Emerson is quickly becoming my favorite poet. I've been trying to expand my literary palate by reading a new poem every day. The anthology, Poem a Day, has helped me accomplish this goal.

This poem by Emerson is about a subject that I often need reminding of - patience. His words are beautifully crafted to highlight the importance of not living in haste. Perhaps Emerson would recommend enjoying Friday for what it's worth as well.

Forebearance
Hast thou named all the birds without a gun;
Loved the wood-rose, and left it on its stalk;
At rich men's tables eaten bread and pulse;
Unarmed, faced danger with a heart of trust;
And loved so well a high behavior
In man or maid, that thou from speech refrained,
Nobility more nobly to repay?—
O be my friend, and teach me to be thine!

what makes today.

2010-02-09T18:00:00.005-06:00

Today is different from all the rest. Do you know why? I'm running again :).

It felt good to put my running shoes back on and take them for a spin. It's funny, because you never forget how to run, but you can get out of your rhythm. It took me about 10 minutes to find my rhythm, but then it was like I had never been off.

Also, I've been listening to new music. Check out Ingrid Michaelson's Everybody.

Another new thing today, I'm cutting out Dr. Peppers. I would say sodas, but I don't drink sodas; I drink Dr. Peppers. Lots of them. Well they're out as of today. Water water water.

I've been reading my friend Cary's blog this month for heart-healthy tips. You should check it out, too!
plunkettparty.blogspot.com

I also made-over my blog. It needed "spring cleaning." Although, it's not spring yet, I'm highly anticipating its return. And daisies are so happy. Matthew 6:27-34 says, "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

I love that. My heavenly father knows what I need. So I can take these chances day by day.

truth in disguise: dear john

2010-02-08T10:48:00.006-06:00

I began a series of related posts last semester titled "truth in disguise," documenting the various and unlikely places in which I discover and learn Truth. Here are the first two if you missed them.

truth in disguise: my favorite song
truth in disguise: my president is black

This weekend I went and saw the highly anticipated film, "Dear John," based off the novel by Nicholas Sparks. Sparks has made his reputation known for writing overly dramatic and romantic stories that leave readers and viewers in tears or some other extreme on the spectrum of human emotions. I actually went and saw the movie by myself, not in a sad "I don't have anyone to see this with" sort of way. Others in the theater may have thought that, though, seeing me walk in alone with my popcorn and drink, staring up at a dozen or so couples scattered throughout the theater. It's hard enough looking for a seat in a movie; try finding one that's equidistant in every direction from enamored and infatuated movie-goers, who may or may not have been there to actually watch the movie. I pressed on, found a seat, and plopped myself down with my popcorn and drink to enjoy the movie.

You would think that I could just enjoy something for what it is, instead of learning from it. That's what I am, though. I'm a learner. Not even Nicholas Sparks can distract me from it. It wasn't what I expected. The movie actually had me guessing, which is pretty remarkable for a "chick flick." Savannah and John met and fell in love, promising each other to write while he was stationed in Germany. The turning point of the movie is when Savannah sends John a letter saying she is engaged to marry another man. John immediately burns all evidence of their relationship, very hurt by her actions and lack of explanation. It's shocking because she has been so sincere in her love for him. I found myself not believing that she actually married someone else. The audience and John are left not knowing who she married for a while, and without the visual evidence, I was thinking that perhaps she had lied about it for some unknown reason. She loved John, no question about it. This news was just a plot twist that would reveal itself in the end. With this news, John was forced to restore his relationship with his dad. Savannah and his dad were all he had, and when he lost her, he went to his father and made things right with him.

John went and visited Savannah after his father's death, and discovered that the man she had married was Tim, a long-time friend who had an autistic son. Tim had been diagnosed with cancer while John was serving in the army overseas, and soon realized that it was terminal. He asked Savannah to marry him, not only because he truly loved her, but also because he needed someone to take care of him and his son. He needed to know that his son would have someone to take care of him when he died. Savannah saw that need, and filled it. She married Tim, taking care of him and his son, and ensuring that his son would be provided for later in life. She hadn't explained herself to John, because she knew that her heart would have wavered and gone back to him, and she would not have been able to do what she knew she needed to do.

One of my best friends also saw the movie. She loves movies, but even more, she loves happy endings. She often hates movies that I love, and vice versa. I don't mind sad endings, as long as something was learned or accomplished (it's the learner in me...it never sleeps). A greater good is always worth it in my mind. Well, she very passionately told me how selfish she thought Savannah was and how she didn't understand what she was doing half the time and how she didn't like her at all. I'm going to have to disagree. I think she was the most unselfish person of all. She gave up her hopes and dreams and love for John for something that was in front of her at the moment. She was waiting for John, but Tim and his son needed her then. She could have refused them and waited years for John, but she didn't. She weighed the cost of hurting John, and leaving Tim and his son in their time of greatest need, and she chose the need in front of her.

She didn't choose the option that was the most romantic or glamorous. She ended up hurting John, but she also ended up sending him to his dying father who needed his son's love. She still loved John, and it was clear that she had never stopped loving him, but she put aside her feelings for her mission. Can't we all learn from this? So often I let my hopes and desires get in the way of my mission. But my Heavenly father knows what I need (Matthew 6:32). And He sees my heart.

John saw her selflessness and anonymously donated money to help Tim live at home until he died. And he waited for her. And when Tim died, John was still there - no bitterness. He saw that her decision had been the right one for her at the time, even if it hurt him for a short season in his life. God sees our hearts. He knows the desires we have, and He will fulfill them at the appointed time. It's our job to be obedient no matter what, though. Even if our obedience makes us forsake our desires for a time. He is faithful. He sees my heart and He is always good.

10 things not like marathon training.

2010-02-01T21:33:00.005-06:00

Think of this as a bunch of negated metaphors. Marathon training didn't result in a marathon this year (due to a sequence of unplanned events), but it enlightened me to some truths nonetheless.

1. Marathon training is not like a walk in the park. Pretty self-explanatory. I thought I'd start simple.

2. Marathon training is not like food poisoning, or a sudden onslaught of a vicious virus. Those things are more like the actual marathon itself, I would imagine. Intensity thrown in your face all at once, not a long, arduous and slow climb to a peak where you're supposed to find that "runner's high." I'll let you guess if I found it.

3. Marathon training is not like having a job. In training, you can substitute days if you're not feeling up to it. For example, if I'm supposed to run 10 miles today, and have tomorrow off, I can take today off and then run 10 miles tomorrow, and then add an extra day off the day after that. 2 off days for one. That just doesn't work in real life.

4. Marathon training is not like raising children. Not that I've done this, but I'm privileged to watch friends do this. When I'm done with training for the day, I don't like to think about it for 24 hours until I have to do it again. Try doing that with children. Actually, please don't.

5. Marathon training is not like finishing an entire pizza by yourself. Are you kidding me? Training is hard. Finishing off a pizza is easy. Not just easy, a delight. Training may have enabled me to do this, however...

6. Marathon training is not like baking cookies. There's only one ingredient to a marathon - running. Lots of it.

7. Marathon training is not like grocery shopping. Oh wait. Yes it is. Here's proof that's so poignantly expressed by my dear friend Renee in her recent post.

8. Marathon training is not like studying for a test. When studying for a test, you take the test, and then walk away from the event, leaving all the information behind in the desk you so laboriously sat in while stressfully taking the exam. Or maybe that was just me. Regardless, there is no way anyone could forget marathon training. It leaves an impression - mentally, physically, emotionally, and even spiritually.

9. Marathon training is not rocket science. It doesn't take a genius to run.

10. Marathon training is not like falling in love. This last one hits home with me, because for so long I've thought that finding "the one" was going to take some work. My dear mother has always gently scolded me, saying that when it happened, I would just know. Well, last time I checked, "just knowing" didn't take the 18 weeks it takes to get ready for a marathon. So this is something I'm not working for anymore. Not working for, not looking for, and not wasting time waiting for, either. It will find me, I'm sure. And when I know, I'll know, and anxiously waiting will take the same amount of time and space as not anxiously waiting.

Besides, I don't have time for all that, I've got marathons to train for :).

smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you?

2010-02-01T15:22:00.005-06:00

All of you "Friends" lovers will understand the title to this blog post. The reference I'm making here is that I currently have the "sexy voice" that Phoebe fell in love with when she had a cold, even kissing Gunther to attempt to re-catch her cold after she lost it.

Any "One Tree Hill" fans? I sound like Brooke Davis (aka Sophia Bush). Who wouldn't want to sound like her?

Not to be confused with who I look like. Apparently some unknown deemed this week "Doppelganger Week." A Doppelganger is a celebrity look-a-like, or to be more exact according to dictionary.com, "a ghostly double of a living person that haunts it's living counterpart." So no, Kristen Bell does not haunt me, and probably never will, but after some extensive research and testing (check out myheritage.com), my celebrity counterpart is Kristen Bell. I can handle that.

The point? I'm not sure there is one, except that I got really sick this weekend, resulting in a hoarse "Brooke Davis" voice and a lot of time on my hands to just sit and rest. And think. And be. And enjoy things like Doppelganger Week.

This is the probably the first of many more blog posts in the next few days (or hours) to relieve me of the doldrums that come from just sitting in bed. Enjoy. Go find your doppelganger.

is this all we get to be absolute? (the fray)

2010-01-25T11:49:00.003-06:00

It's amazing how songs and artists and albums can speak into your life during different seasons. They are more than just soundtracks to our lives, the notes and the words speak Truth into the situations we are dealing with, often enlightening us and showing us hidden and deeper meanings to the life we live.

Often I'll buy an album and give it a cursory "listen-to," only to set it aside for weeks, months, or even years. Then I stumble across it randomly and it goes from being forgotten to being integral to my thoughts, my car rides, and my heart. Some albums that have done this for me the past few years are Good Monsters, The Fray, A Hundred Million Suns, Begin to Hope, Plans.

I'm sure there are more. These have been some of the most impacting, though. And I learn. They help me progress, or reflect, or just enjoy. Begin to Hope reminded me that life is bittersweet, but it always ends on a sweet note. Nothing that happens is irrevocable, and we can always begin to hope. And life is rich, as indicated by Regina's strong, beautiful vocals. The Fray was on repeat for me last summer. When I listen to it I am taken back to laying out by the pool, driving around College Station in the sunshine, walking to class everyday, and training. Their honest lyrics spoke to me as I learned to trust that love is real, and that it's something I'll experience someday, despite the pain and heartache that I've experienced and may experience again.

Today I discovered an album that I had not given much thought to. It's Jars of Clay, "The Long Fall Back to Earth." I have re-discovered today, just how much God loves me. It's so much. I pray that whatever it takes, every single one of my friends and family know this. Sometimes it takes a fall to realize, and sometimes it takes silence - not knowing what God is doing or how His plan will carry out.

Just know this, and let it sink in - there's nothing you can do to make Him love you more, and nothing you can do to make Him love you less. One of the songs on the album, "Boys (Lesson One)" says,

There will be liars and thieves who take from you
Not to undermine the consequence
But you are not what you do
And when you need it most
I have a hundred reasons why I love you

God speaks to me through music; let Him speak to you however He must. But listen. And learn. And grow. And heal.

And if you want to spend a day in my shoes, listen to these albums...I know them by heart.

i can't force change.

2010-01-17T19:18:00.002-06:00

The more I live and the more I see, the more I realize the absolute certainty of certain things, such as...

1. leaving food in my car is never a good idea
2. doing laundry is one of the most annoying things in the world
3. working out makes me hyper afterwards...?
4. no matter how opinionated I am about the new healthcare policies being made in this country, I'm still just a girl in College Station, TX...Obama and his administration have no idea who I am
5. I will miss Amanda Scott until the day she sets foot back on American soil
6. no matter how hard I try, I can't change people

This last one is the hardest for me to accept. Partly because I like fixing things and solving problems, and so if I think that I have a solution, I want to share it. But not just share it. It's like how much I love Dave Matthews or peanut butter m&ms. When I introduce people to either of these things, I want to share my love and knowledge of them, but I also want the other person to then love them as much as I do. This is just not reasonable. As much as I know that these two things are good for you, you have to try them and then decide for yourself that you're going to love them as much as I do. This goes for anything, including advice.

Usually people don't ask for advice. Often when they're stuck in a situation they don't realize it, or they can't swallow their pride to ask for help. About a month ago I was asked, however, by someone close to me, to share my thoughts and views on their situation. I humbly and tactfully shared what I saw the problem to be, and then the solution. It was almost as if I was speaking a different language. I think my words were heard, but I can't make someone understand and enjoy Dave Matthews. I can't change people.

I think this saddens me the most because I want what's best for people. I hurt for people who aren't free from their fears and insecurities. I hurt for people who have become bitter and choose not to love. Everything in me wants to change their situation, change their mindsets, change their hearts. But I can't. I feel helpless as I watch them. All we can do is pray, but I often forget how powerful that is. God changes people everyday...why wouldn't I trust these things with Him?

I don't understand how God works all the time. My heart longs for instant restoration, but so often God waits...and waits. I can only trust that in this waiting, He is changing people - He is moving knowledge from our heads to our hearts so that we can live and be free. Waiting for this change in myself and other people is hard, but I have confidence that the waiting is not just idle time.

2010?

2010-01-11T10:22:00.002-06:00

I'm a couple weeks late in bringing in the new year on here. I feel like I'm a couple weeks late in reality as well. It just hasn't hit me that this is 2010. I feel as if I'm kind of in a dream. I've had a lot on my mind; I'll blame it on that.

As for the business side of things in this new decade, I'm still working up at Central Baptist Church as an intern/Girls Associate. I still love the job, my co-workers, and all of the students that I've grown so close with. I'm not sure I'm cut out for or "called" to work with a church the rest of my life, but God has definitely blessed my time here, and I'm looking forward to another semester. I have a new job in the medical field, working as a Physical Therapy Technician. I take patients through their exercises, do ultrasounds on them, massage them, and do the occasional load of laundry. I love it. I don't ever feel like I'm working. I absolutely enjoy every minute I get to spend with the patients. I think God has given me a special love and special grace even for the difficult ones, and I feel like He is getting to bless them through me. Also, since my love language is physical touch, giving people massages has been such a joy and blessing for me. I know that sounds crazy, especially when sometimes dealing with hairy backs and smelly feet, but I truly love every second of those massages. I got an interview at Baylor P.A. school! I'll be going this coming Thursday and Friday. So say a prayer for me that God will give me wisdom and direction, as well as the staff interviewing me.

This is one of the first years that I haven't sat down and written out New Year's Resolutions. I keep putting them off, and now I'm starting to wonder if that says something about me this year...I feel like I don't want to write anything down. I feel very in between things, in a lot of ways. With school, with friends, with life, with locations, etc. It's hard for me to think ahead when there are so many directions ahead of me. It's like my next foot forward determines the path I take, and there are so many paths branching out from me right now.

I think part of it, too, is that I have in my mind the path that I want, but it's not time to take a step yet. So I do think 2010 is on hold for me. I'm standing in place, waiting for the next signal to go forward. This interview on Thursday will bring some answers in that aspect. But still, in everything, I'm just waiting. I know I'm not, but it feels like I'm in between years. I'll let you know when 2010 hits my time zone.

the end.

2009-12-30T20:44:00.004-06:00

This year is about to end. 2009 will kick it, and 2010 will be here before we can even say goodbye.

It's been a good year, I'd say. It's had its ups and downs for sure...they all do. I think I grew up this year, though. Maybe. I'm starting to wonder if we grow up more every year. There must be a lot of room for growth then because we are never grown up if we are always growing up. I'll try not to get discouraged. I guess grown ups are no fun anyways.

I thought about doing a year in review and going through some old things I'd written, picking and choosing my favorites. I've already shared those things, though. I realized that a more accurate reflection of my year would be to share something that I wrote but never posted...because I was too scared that people wouldn't understand it or wouldn't see what I was saying, or they would think it was too abstract.

Well here goes. I wrote this at the beginning of summer '09.

"When it happens what do you say? Do you look around you for the words, or find them hiding behind you, creeping like the past? Or do you glance ahead into the darkness of uncertainty and fumble around for a sentence that makes sense? It's a haze that wasn't self-induced, and it clouds the vessels surrounding your heart as you try to beat out a rhythm that rhymes. And as the blood puddles, leaving your severed arteries, you cry, and you search the recesses of your mind for one glimmer of light to give meaning to the sound coming out of your mouth. Who do you love? Who fills your mind as your body empties out onto the ground? Breathe your last few breaths and feel the oxygen burn your lungs, and as you gasp, find the strength to say that name. But what if your speech doesn't echo back, and your wayward voice is lost in the canyons that give no return for what they took from you. What if the wind forgets the author when it carries the message? The message falls on deaf ears, and no answer comes. The darkness taunts, "Pick a new name." But what if there is none. What if that was the only one. Please, God, no. Help me find a new name."

This image came to me when I was thinking about people being on their death beds (morbid? just bear with me). You always see in the movies where someone is dying and they ask for one person. They may be in the room. They may have to be found. Sometimes they haven't spoken to this person in years. But for some reason, this one person comes to their heart as they lie there dying. Love. They love this person. Their love is so strong that no matter what grievances they share, in their desperation, they cry out for that one person to comfort them as they die.

I would say that everyone has that person, that name, that they would ask for. And of course, in the movies, that person who was called comes running to the bedside, restitution is made, kisses are shared, and the person dies in peace. What struck me, though, were the times that I know someone has called out for their love, but that love was not returned. What if you were dying and the only name their heart wanted didn't want them back? Who else could they call for? Maybe no one.

This idea scares me more than anything else, I think. I don't want to leave this feeling depressed, though, because I am not. And I haven't been. It just makes me think. It has made me trust God more and more. We may not have tomorrow. We may not have tonight. But we're never really alone, even if we think we are. He is with us more than we'll ever know. But also, it has made me cherish the people around me - the people who I don't know if I'll see again tomorrow, because we never know. It's the simple things in life we need to learn to be thankful for. The little things.

Dave Matthews says, "Take these chances, place them in a box until quieter times, lights down you up and die."
I'm gonna take these chances and cherish this life and the people I love. I am so so blessed.

recently i've been all of content and dreaming.

2009-12-09T11:43:00.003-06:00

For the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men.

Who am I to ever question God? The things that I see happening that I think are foolish or crazy, if they are from the Lord, they contain more wisdom than my mind can grasp.

For consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were considered wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth.

This semester I've been learning to trust that God knows what He's doing. I'm waiting to hear back from P.A. school, and it's nerve-wracking at best. The world is going to tell me if I'm good enough to get into their schools. Based on my worldly achievements (or lack of), I'm going to receive or be rejected admission into grad schools. I have often felt lacking, but have had to remember that God knows what's good for me. Also, in the real world where most of my friends have boyfriends, fiances, husbands, and even babies, I've had to rest in the fact that He knows exactly what I need. I'm not lacking because I'm single, I'm just right here right now. The world may say there's something wrong with me if I'm not "in a relationship," but I have to believe that God has a better plan for me, and perfect timing. Worldly standards mean nothing.

But God has chosen what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are..

I'm so glad that I am not measured by things of the world. I'm glad that my life can appear foolish and weak to men, but be exactly what God wants for me.

..so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. And because of him you are in Jesus Christ, who became to us wisdom from God, righteousness and sanctification, and redemption, so that, as it is written, "Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord."

It's funny how forgetting myself and boasting in the Lord brings such relief from pressure and anxiety. Nothing I do that is measured by the world matters. All I do is for Him and His sake, and all that He provides is perfect and in perfect timing. His plan for me, however foolish it might seem, is absolutely perfect. Dave Matthews has a song called Recently, and the lyrics say "Recently I've been, all of content and dreaming I have been...people stare and we just ignore everything, people stare and we just ignore them, and they go away, go away."

I like the foolishness of God, because it lets me rest easy. It lets me enjoy the life He's given me, and wait expectantly for the joys and blessings He has for me.

Recently I've been all of content and dreaming...and I'm looking forward to much more :).

ten things.

2009-11-27T08:11:00.002-06:00

Ten things I love about life right now, because I think it's good to take a look around every once in a while. "Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." (Ferris Bueller...love him)

10. I love living in Bryan/College Station. Growing up in the big city was nice, but I've found that I prefer the small towns, and would like to stay in them as long as possible. For now, that's until May 31, 2010.

9. Thanks to Tiffany Garrett and country dancing, I've been enjoying country music lately. I feel like for all the smack I've talked I need to say it again just to solidify: I've been enjoying country music lately. Maybe it goes with the small-town feeling.

8. I love dancing. No need to expound.

7. I had a McDouble from McDonald's the other day. Mmmm. :) I love those things. 99 cents of heaven in just a few small bites.

6. I love riding in the car with Ben (my brother). Not only do I enjoy his '99 GT Mustang and how he drives it, but I also love his wide and sometimes unlikely taste in music. I never know what it's going to be: Brittney, Fergie, Tonic, Linkin Park. I love how we can drive and say nothing important at all and just enjoy the scenery and the music.

5. I love the Aggies! Anyone sitting by me at the t.u. football game would probably say some funny things about me. I really enjoy good Aggie football.

4. I love going home for the holidays. I had to work the first half of this thanksgiving, and I realized how thankful I've been in the past to get to go home. Working 15 hours over a holiday isn't fun, but it makes going home that much better.

3. I love coming home to 4 girls. It's like a round-the-clock party. I love pink house parties :).

2. I love starting my run when it's dark outside and watching the sun come up. I like being there when the day begins. I don't know why, but it feels like I'm witnessing something important that's happening, and my day is better off because I saw it.

1. I love driving with the windows down. It's probably my favorite prayer time. I feel close to Jesus when I'm driving and the wind is blowing in and the sun is shining down and a good song is playing (usually Dave Matthews).

truth in disguise: my president is black.

2009-10-22T12:27:00.004-05:00

This is the image of a t-shirt that was crafted after a song written by "Young Jeezy." President Obama came to visit Texas A&M, and was welcomed by former President George Bush Sr. to hold a lecture on service. Honestly, I think there is no better place President Obama could have come to talk about this, considering A&M is one of the biggest proponents of community service and opportunities for volunteerism. I was disappointed, however, when I saw people wearing these shirts.

God has ordained President Obama to be the leader of our country. I respect and fear God, so I will respect President Obama as my leader as long as he has authority over this country. I have no problems with his race, and would never consider that a setback or advantage to his position. He is a person leading our country. I do have a problem being associated with "racist conservatives" who don't appreciate or applaud his race. I am not racist, nor do I believe that conservatism on a whole promotes racism. After all, for the past 200 years, we have not been wearing t-shirts that say "My President is White."

If you don't want President Obama's race to be a factor, don't make it one. I'm not.

truth in disguise: my favorite song.

2009-10-15T10:06:00.003-05:00

I love finding truth in unlikely places. It reminds me of how big God truly is, and how He was here before me and will be here after me. There's a missions poster in my office that reads "Take Jesus to China." I disagree. Jesus is already in China, we should take the knowledge of Him and deeper understanding to China. Jesus is everywhere and in everything, even in places and situations that He seems hidden or even absent.

Unfortunately, this world is full of evil as well. "Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." (1 Peter 5:8) But the presence of evil and deception does not necessarily mean the absence of Truth. Jesus permeates all aspects of life - the religious and the secular. We see this with Joseph in Genesis 50:20 when his brothers sold him into slavery: "As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result..."

All this being said, I'm going to start recording the curious and sometimes strange places from which I glean Truth. It will be my "truth in disguise" collection or series or whatever you would like to call it. The purpose of my findings are not to display theologically sound arguments, because most of the artifacts I find will probably be heretical. The purpose is to see God's Truth everywhere, and to see Jesus working in all things, because He does.

I thought it fitting to begin with my favorite song: Bartender by Dave Matthews Band. I love Dave Matthews. I don't just like him and his music, I love them. (Here's why if you're wondering, posted as a comment to my friend Sarah's wonderful blog.) I love his music for many reasons, and this song is just one of them. I've included the lyrics below and the title is a link to the actual song if you're interested in listening; I highly recommend it.

I love this song because it is raw. It's a gritty picture of a man desperate for love in his life, desiring fondness from his brother, respect from his sister, guidance and discipline from his mother, and answers from his father. It's even more beautiful because the music sings this longing in the deep bass and soulful chords. He talks about how he longs for the wine that set Jesus free. I see this "wine" as a metaphor for life that "set Jesus free after three days in the ground." C.H. Spurgeon describes wine in Scripture as "the symbol of the richest earthly joy." This song speaks of a longing for freedom and rich joy in the best way Dave knows how to talk about it - wine, a rich, earthly joy. And yet it is clear that in the song, he realizes what many do not, that if we seek the wrong things to find freedom, we will surely die. He talks about longing the same wine that "strung Judas from the tree." He begins the song asking the bartender to fill his glass, and progresses by telling the bartender to look and see the "wine that's drinking me." That thing which originally was sought to bring life has turned into something that is controlling and confining him, ultimately to the point of death.

What a beautiful picture of a lost soul, blindly struggling and reaching for something he cannot see and does not know and yet is placing all of his hope in for a chance at freedom and life. I love this picture, because even believers can relate to the longing we have in our souls to be right with Jesus. Paul says in Romans 7:15, "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." The difference for us, however, is that we know the solution. We know that the "wine" that brings freedom is Jesus Christ. "Your love is better than wine." (Song of Solomon 1:2) His love is better than _______ (insert anything).

I hope that if you've never heard this song, you'll give it a shot. If you have heard it, I hope that when you listen to it now, you'll see Jesus in it. That's what He wants us to do, after all, see Him in everything.

Bartender
If I go
Before I'm old
Oh, brother of mine
Please don't forget me if I go

Bartender, please
Fill my glass for me
With the wine you gave Jesus that set him free
After three days in the ground

Oh, and if I die
Before my time
Oh, sweet sister of mine
Please don't regret me if I die

Bartender, please
Fill my glass for me
With the wine you gave Jesus that set him free
After three days in the ground

Bartender, please
Fill my glass for me
With the wine you gave Jesus that set him free
After three days in the ground

I'm on bended knees, I pray
Bartender, please

When I was young, I didn't think about it
Now I can't get it out of my mind

I'm on bended knees
Father, please

Oh, and if all this gold
Should steal my soul away
Oh, sweet mother of mine
Please redirect me if this gold

Bartender, you see
The wine that's drinking me
came from the vine that strung Judas from the Devil's tree
His roots deep, deep in the ground

Bartender, you see
The wine that's drinking me
came from the vine that strung Judas from the Devil's tree
his roots deep, deep in the ground,in the ground

I'm on bended knees
Oh, Bartender, please

I'm on bended knees
Father, please

When I was young, I never dreamed about it
Now I just want to run and die

I'm on bended knees
Oh, Bartender, please
Bartender, please

humility.

2009-10-14T15:51:00.002-05:00

"Life is a long lesson in humility." (James M. Barrie: Scottish dramatist and novelist)

This is so true, or it should be. There's nothing quite like realizing that you're wrong about something, or you've wronged someone. It's hard to hear when you're wrong. I love it when God shows us how small we are, though. I love it about as much as I love being sore after a long run, or having to scrub the toilets, or maybe changing a diaper. (Please note the sarcasm in my tone.)

I don't really love these things, but I love the results: toned legs, clean potties, happy babies. The result of being humbled is seeing the Lord exalted. Wow. Great result. Probably worth feeling small.

I believe what we often forget is that every day of our life, every minute even, should be a lesson in humility. Frankly, we are wrong quite a bit, because we make our lives about ourselves. We think about ourselves; we go about our business; we talk about our problems and joys. It's just not about us.

Micah 6:8 says, "He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the LORD require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?"

Walk humbly with your God. Don't just take one "humble step," and don't get to the point where God makes you take a "humble fall," walk humbly, continuously. That's why the quote at the beginning strikes such a chord with me. My life should be a long lesson in humility. If I'm not being reminded by others, I should remind myself daily and by the minute that I am not more important than the Lord, His plans, and His people.

in retrospect, and a little something extra.

2009-10-09T10:50:00.005-05:00

I absolutely love the fall. I love it because of what the season represents - a falling away of the old things of the year and a making room for the new. I love it because the weather cools down, and for just a moment (in Texas), the sun is still shining while the breezes blow cool air. Nothing beats the feeling of warmth inside tinged with a cool bite on your skin. I love it because when it rains, like it is now, I can bundle up on the couch listening to the sounds of the raindrops tapping on the window and skipping through the puddles.

I love change. It can be difficult at times, but I love it, and I love the results it brings. Regina Spektor says in one of her songs that "leaves become most beautiful when they're about to die." I love that process.

I think fall provokes a looking back. Reflection. I think just like New Years is important to look forward hopefully and expectantly, fall is vital preparation for this. You can't move ahead without learning where you're coming from.

This spring I wrote my own New Year's Revolution. I had a list of goals to accomplish, so let's see how I did:

1. wake up early
Check. I've been waking up really early recently, but I would say my average wake-up time for this year would be between 6:30 and 7:30. Recently, this time has moved to 5, but I'm finding that Benjamin Franklin was right: "Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise."

2. work out at least 3 times a week
Check. I started doing this consistently in January and kept it up pretty well until now. When I started training for my triathlon in July this became almost daily, and I've continued this training schedule except for a 2 week hiatus which I'll discuss soon.

3. do something active once a day
Check.

4. memorize more scripture
....check. I hesitate because this has started in the past few weeks. It's hard for me to discipline myself here, but I'm trying to be faithful because the rewards are great. Psalm 1 says blessed is the man who meditates day and night on the law.

5. run a 1/2 marathon
I still have yet to do this. I did, however, do a triathlon, and am currently training for a marathon. If I complete that, this won't be so important anymore.

6. think on Jesus more
This has happened as a result of other things on this list. More about that in later paragraphs.

7. cook at home more
Check! This has been wonderful, fun, nutritious, etc. I eat simply (no extravagant recipes), but I enjoy spending time with the roommates, trying to get Tiffany to eat veggies with me, and just being at home.

8. write more
I'm still working through this one, but hey! It's still October! I have two more months to the end of the year.

9. read more
Check. Also a recent addition to my schedule, but a change nonetheless.

10. be quiet more
Definitely check. I love the quiet solitude of eating alone and reading, or wandering through a bookstore for two hours by myself. I like running by myself, where all I can hear are my feet hitting the ground.

I don't think we hold ourselves accountable enough. I think we should use the fall to pull out our resolutions/revolutions and see how we're doing. The last part of my resolution was the most important one to me: I wanted to learn discipline and grace, two things that seem opposing. I have been so blessed because the Lord has shown me how it really works.

Discipline leads to an understanding of grace and freedom.

How? Well I stumbled across my answer when I started training myself physically. For four years of college I have been "busy" or so I thought. This summer I had two jobs, took 7 hours, and trained every day. And I wasn't swamped, I still had a social life, and slept 7-8 hours a night. Unbelievable? Maybe. But it's reality for me, everyday.

I have discovered that being disciplined leaves little to no room for ungodliness. I have a hunch that Paul was an athlete on some level. He spoke about physical training so much. One of my favorite passages is in 1 Corinthians 9:24-27. "Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize."

"I beat my body." His harsh words almost astonish me, but I understand now. I think we separate the physical and the spiritual aspects of life, and I believe Paul knew that they are not different. Our body is a temple for the Holy Spirit. I think there are differences between spiritual disciplines and physical disciplines, but I have found that one leads to the other in my life. For me, leading a highly disciplined life is key, and I don't feel confined, rather, I feel very free.

The two weeks after my triathlon I stopped training, I ate horrible foods, and I stayed up late because I thought, "Well I'm free now, so I can do what I want." I was miserable. I didn't feel good, I wasn't motivated, my spiritual life suffered because I was lazy with my time, and this list could go on. I realized that I was free when I had a bed-time, when I woke up early, ate healthy food, exercised, and organized my schedule in a reasonable way. My days were full, but I didn't feel busy and I wasn't stressed out. It was amazing to realize that my "strict training" was giving me freedom and joy. This freedom leads me to realize the Lord's presence, make good use of my time, as well as set goals for me to reach.

Who would have thought that freedom comes from discipline? And not the kind of discipline put on me by someone else, and most certainly not the kind of legalism or discipline I place on people around me. That does not bring freedom. It is only the discipline practiced by myself, under the umbrella of Jesus and his word, that brings freedom.

How sweet it is to experience the kind of freedom that grows you and spurs you on.

skeletons.

2009-10-06T09:58:00.003-05:00

I'm learning so many things right now that I feel overwhelmed as I come to write! I don't know where to begin, and my thoughts are hardly organized. So these are the skeletons of what I see happening and what God is teaching me.

...the greatest freedom comes from grace and firm, hard discipline...

...the freedom that we have (mentioned above) enables us not to dance close to sin, but it does enable and encourage us to dance close to sinners...

...the Holy Spirit is alive and well in me, or He should be at least, and that provides power in my life; so am I living in such a way that requires the power of the Holy Spirit...

...do I move the heart of God, because scripture says that I can...

...if I talk about what I love, why am I silent when it comes to sharing Jesus with strangers...

These are all things moving around my brain. I expect to go through them one by one in detail. I'd love to hear input on these topics, or if you have one that you'd like to hear my thoughts on first, let me know.

untitled...suggestions welcome.

2009-09-25T23:38:00.004-05:00

I have a feeling of longing that's wisping like the leaves on the ground.
If the air catches just right you can smell the wet dew that's fleeting and fleeing the wind,
Sure to dry it up if it catches on.
I wish I could explain the choke in my chest,
Like a foreboding sadness, unexplained and unattained, yet somehow gripping me all the same.
The prophets foretold what no one could know and we believed them,
Ducking under the trees to protect us from the piercing rays of light.
Truth is all the same when you call it by it's name,
But I like to call it by it's heart.
It's the difference between sound and sadness, love and madness,
My eyes are clouded with the jumbled letters.
And the fog never clears.

Modest Mouse on trust.

2009-08-01T16:35:00.008-05:00

This summer has been crazy! I have been in Biochemistry and Genetics, working 30+ hours at Central Baptist and CarePlus Medical family practice, training for a triathlon, and still managing to have a blast with the roommates at the same time. I have been experiencing a lot of new things this summer - new training, new diet, new music, new roommates, etc. It took a little adjustment....okay, it took a lot of adjustment. But God has been faithful, as always.

One band in particular that I've been listening to is Modest Mouse...kind of a throw-back to the 90's. One line from their song Missed the Boat has played through my mind over and over the past few months:

Our ideas held no water but we used them like a dam.

I love the picture that paints. And I have done this all my life. I take my ideas, whether they be practical or extravagant, I assume that they are true and right ideas, and I build upon these self-made truths to try to make them real in my life. But my ideas are just ideas, and in the end, they hold no water.

A dam that doesn't hold water is useless. My ideas are meaningless when used as a foundation to build life upon. And yet, I have done this time and time again, only to have my dam break, and water flood all over what I've created with my two small hands.

If I had to sum up the summer in one word it would be trust. God has impressed upon my heart this simple yet complicated discipline. It's simple because I don't really have to do anything except let go of the ideas I'm holding onto. It's complicated because I love my ideas. What I've learned is that trust is me loving God more than I love my ideas, thereby allowing myself to let go of my ideas in exchange for the opportunity to hold onto a God that has never failed me, and will never fail me. His truth "holds water" and is a firm foundation.

My ideas and hopes and dreams are flawed, and make faulty dams that break. If I trust God, however, He can filter through my thoughts and ideas, build on the ones that line up with His truth, and toss out the ones that hold no water.

I trust Him. It's that easy, and that difficult. As I've practiced this discipline (and it does take practice), I have found that I am content, watching Him juggle all of my ideas for me. I think that He must have a particularly good time with mine, seeing as many of them are quite outlandish and may appear unrealistic. But hey, with God all things are possible, right? I just take a deep breath, strap myself in, and hold on for the ride.

Someone asked me the other day if I was a "glass half-full" kind of girl, or a "glass half-empty." I used to say I would call the glass "half-full." I wouldn't say I fall under either of those categories anymore. Things are the way they are, and I don't spend too much time anymore trying to make sense of what I see. Learning how to trust has changed my attitude, perspective, and even my habits. And I am so thankful for God working this in my heart. Now, I think I'm the person that looks at the glass, takes note that there is water in it, and is just really glad it's there.

rearview mirror.

2009-06-15T22:44:00.006-05:00

Wordles are cool pictures that measure the frequency of words used in your blog or paper, and creatively display them so that you can see what you've been writing about. It's kind of a fun way to look back and see what's been going on by just taking a brief look at the picture. In light of that, I've included the links to a few posts that I've written over the years that just happen to be personal favorites. Thanks for reading; it encourages me!

Learning to love wine with my cheese.
Ipod - "Shuffle Songs"
LOVE WINS.
love.liberty.disco.
it's a new year's revolution.

here comes the sun.

2009-04-18T16:19:00.003-05:00

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket --safe, dark, motionless, airless-- it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell."

C.S. Lewis wrote this in his book The Four Loves. I believe every word of it. I have felt every word of it. It is a scary thing to reach out and love the unlovable around you. It's a scary leap to leave safety for the first time and take your heart out of it's carefully kept casket. You expect to be rewarded by your risk, and so you take your heart out and throw it to the world, hoping and waiting for cheers, reciprocated tenderness, affection, or even kind words. Shockingly your heart comes back, hanging its head, dragging its feet, covered in blisters, worn out by the heat it received from the ones it was trying so desperately to love.

Jesus said to His disciples, "If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you." (John 15:18-19) The world is who Jesus commanded us to love. Love your neighbors. Love your enemies. Turn the other cheek.

Battered and bruised. Is it even worth it? I find myself asking this lately, is my broken heart worth it? I have loved and felt pain because I loved and gave myself to people around me, and yet I don't think I've even tapped into the deep, deep wells of what love really is. All I did was raise the stakes in my poker game, because I put a part of me out there. Instead of playing for cheap coins, I "bet" my heart, so to speak. I gave the world something that is vital to my life, integral to my existence.

My head says it's worth it. My bleeding heart still fights the urge of self-preservation. John 16:33 says, "In this world, you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." Psalm 34:18 says, "The Lord is near to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

Christ showed us how to love. He died on the cross. He experienced God turning His back on His only son. He bore the weight of all our sins. His followers denied Him, mocked Him, spit on Him. And He loved.

I hope my heart is never whole. That may seem contrary to popular belief, but God's heart isn't whole, at least not in the sense that we think it is...He gives it to all of us, every minute of the day. His heart is complete. His heart is full. His heart has the Spirit. His heart is perfect. But He gave us His heart and His love when He gave us His son. And we are to live like Him.

I pray that I would not be afraid to unlock the casket of my heart and let it bring life and love to those around me. I hope that I learn to love enough that my heart wears out and blisters and tears until the pain is so great only my Savior can stitch it back up. My heart will be whole when it knows the pain of being given away, has felt the needle of repair, and then is called back into duty, even though the wounds haven't completely healed.

The Beatles didn't see the wisdom in their song, but I see it and have felt it. I fear more that I may lock my heart up, never to see the sun/Son again.

So, broken hearts, "Here comes the Son, it's all right...."

dream, little darling, dream. (dmb)

2009-04-04T20:33:00.003-05:00

"Of the things that followed I cannot at all say whether they were what men call real or what men call dream. And for all I can tell, the only difference is that what many see we call a real thing, and what only one sees we call a dream. But things that many see may have no taste or moment in them at all, and the things that are shown only to one may be spears and water-spouts of truth from the very depth of truth." (C.S. Lewis)

Elizabeth Cady Stanton gave a speech titled "The Solitude of Self," in which she stated, "Nature never repeats herself, and the possibilities of one human soul will never be found in another." She spoke on the fact that every person is alone in his/her mind. There is no one (except God) that can see and feel and understand the inner workings of my mind. So there is nothing earthly for me to connect to on all levels. There is nothing that will fully know and understand my thoughts, my mind, my heart, on the same level that I do, and that God does. This gives Psalm 139 so much more meaning and potency:

"O Lord, you have searched me and you know me...you perceive my thoughts from afar...you are familiar with all my ways..."

There is no one who will know me like He does. No one.

So our thoughts, our dreams - are they real? If no one else understands them, or even sees them, what are they? "...spears and water-spouts of truth from the very depth of truth." Sometimes I believe that my dreams are more real than anything that many men see.

Psalm 139 ends with this: "See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." David asks God to search his heart, search his thoughts, his dreams, and see if there is any offensive way in him. He then asks God to lead him in the way everlasting. I believe God leads us in our hearts and dreams before we ever act. He leads us in the secret places that no one else sees, and then He trusts us to take the step in the direction that He has planted in our hearts.

Isaiah 30:21 says, "Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, 'This is the Way; walk in it.'" God, lead us in the way everlasting.

Don't be discouraged if you feel alone in your thoughts and dreams. You see, when those dreams become real, you get to share them. It's just the beginning stages, when the dream is born in your heart, and slowly forming and taking shape, that you feel alone with your thoughts. But be sure to listen, for your God is whispering tender and powerful words to fuel the fire that your loves and desires will become. And tread bodly and carefully...in the way everlasting.

I'll end with these song lyrics that spoke to my heart. I feel like I'm walking under the stars all the time, asking God to know me, and to love me like no one else can. Only He can lavish all good things upon me.

Dream(Priscilla Ahn)
"Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park, I asked God who I'm supposed to be.
The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie. I said a prayer and fell asleep.

I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest tree.
I had a dream."

making room.

2009-04-02T23:44:00.005-05:00

Well it's been a month since I've written. I don't usually go this long intentionally, but I was challenged by a friend who told me that I should try putting to practice some of the things I write about. So I did. I took a step back from philosophizing and seeking out new Truths, and looked at the Truth I had already been gathering and piling up in little neat piles all around me.

It was revealing. Some Truth is hard to swallow. It's a lot easier to discover something, set it aside, and go start hunting new treasure, especially if what you've found is not pretty. I think it's beneficial to dust off what we find, study it a little closer, and see what value it has, not just in itself, but in how it reflects God.

This isn't my avenue to list out the things that I've done differently in this month of working with the wisdom and Truth that I already have. What I'm doing isn't as important as that I'm doing them. I think that goes for all of us. As long as what we do lines up with Truth, the important thing is that we're doing it. It's easy to hear the Word and God's Truth...a lot harder to examine it and do what it says.

James 2...."22Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. 23Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror 24and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. 25But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it—he will be blessed in what he does."

Dave Matthews has a song called the Raven, and in it he says, "You never know it all, the ground beneath is nothing more than your point of view." It's true. If you don't move around, you don't see new things in new ways. And you don't change. And you don't move forward. And if you aren't moving forward, you're stuck in the places you've been...and frankly, I don't want to stay in those places.

So thank you, friend, for telling me to do what I say. And thank you Jesus for always doing what you say. I uncovered a lot of wisdom that had been collecting dust this past month. I sorted through a few boxes, and threw some away...for good.

And guess what. I made some room.

Truth on the rocks.

2009-03-01T11:51:00.003-06:00

People need challenges. They need others to challenge them, and they also need to challenge themselves. I believe every aspect of our person, every nook, ever cranny, needs to be stimulated, questioned, and challenged. Otherwise, that aspect will die, or even worse, run away with the reins and go wild. That's one reason why I think we find people at the bars on a Friday night chugging the alcohol, and looking for someone to go home with. Their senses and intellect and heart have not been challenged, and so what's the point. They find something else that makes them feel alive for one night, and then it's back to their realities of dullness and consistency.

We should be constantly looking for things to awaken us, to bring our senses and our minds back to life. Sometimes I think that religion helps kill this. It tells us to go to one place to find Truth and Love, and to look for it in the other people that are going to that one place. And let me say this, the Bible is the ultimate source of Truth, but Jesus is not confined in the Bible. Jesus is alive.

One aspect of myself that I find hard to keep challenged is the part of me that looks for and finds Truth and Love everywhere. I picture myself as somewhat of a wanderer that picks up Truth and Love along the way, wherever it has fallen on the ground. But not a lazy wanderer, an impassioned adventurer - looking for Truth and earnestly seeking out Love. The problem is the church is not encouraging this quest, but the world does - the artists, and the lost, and the "weirdos", are all teaching to keep an eye out for that truth and transformation (they're just not talking about real Truth all the time).

But it's there - Truth. It's there in abundance. In the holy and the secular of this world. God created it to be there. He made creation to hold Truth; He made man to hold Truth. The fall just enabled us to carry around good Truth and bad truth at the same time. And so with the fall, the earth and man in it acquired tons and tons of lies along with the Truth. But we shouldn't stop looking. To avoid the lies, we shouldn't want to miss the Truth that is to be found out there. We just need help - we need the Holy Spirit to help us discern, and we need other people who are seeking Truth in all places like we should be.

If Jesus ate with sinners, why would Truth only be found in the church? I don't think it would, and I don't think it should. Jesus told His disciples that if they stopped praising Him, the rocks would cry out in praise. Rocks. If we look, we can find Truth there, too. And God created man, and it was good. The fall brought lies and evil into the equation, but God still created man to be good. And somewhere among all the deception and lies, is Truth - the Truth that we were created to be in His image.

That's why even the bartender has Truth for his customers, and why the drunk man speaks Truth without knowing it. And why I can be at a Dave Matthews concert, surrounded by a bunch of people getting high who are just looking for the wrong truths, and see Jesus, and hear Truth in the lyrics of the music that seems as if it was composed for the purpose of sharing and revealing Truth.

It's only Truth if it aligns with the words that Jesus spoke, and the words of the Bible that He has given us. But that's not the only place to find it. If it were, then what would bring the drunks at the bar to the church in the first place? I like to believe they found some Truth at the bar and it made them thirsty for more.

So please challenge me to do this, and challenge yourselves. Don't close your eyes when you're outside because you're afraid of the lies. Seek out the Truth. Go outside and get dirty looking for it. Uncover some beautiful Truth that God has spoken into this world, whether it be through creation, or through one of His created beings.

I think we believe that the only way Truth can be drunk is straight - cold, hard, Truth. I believe there is Truth in that statement. But sometimes when we find Truth, it's not in that form. We have to whittle away the lies and the half-truths that have been built around it to get it in its purest form. That's our job, though, to whittle away, and search, and passionately seek out Truth, wherever it may be hiding.

Drink it straight when you find it that way, but don't be afraid to order Truth on the rocks. You may just have to try a little harder to taste it, but therein lies the challenge. And when we're challenged, we grow.

#5

2009-02-12T22:48:00.002-06:00

So as a senior, I'm compiling a list of some of my favorite memories in college. I'll probably include them on here intermittently.

#5
Sophomore year, I had just moved into the Pink House with Amy Bradley (now Grimme), Amanda Scott, Amanda Gentry, and Abby Anderson (now Perry). It had been raining all day, and was continuing into the night. Abby unfortunately was sick and already in bed. The rest of us decided that some fun needed to be had :).

So we piled into a car and made our way to the Texas A&M golf course where we proceeded to run rampant in the rain, through puddles and over nicely-mowed greens. During our adventure we saw a skunk, which AScott chased all the way to a bunch of shrubs, and I belly flopped (or actually face-planted) in a sand trap (which was filled with water, so I mistakenly thought it might be a pond....). I was actually dumb enough to try that little stunt again, resulting in a second equally painful face-plant.

The night ended with us racing back to the car, the only casualty being a couple of bruises from my mishap, and about 50 ant bites on Amanda Scott's legs.

I love college :).

I don't have a title yet, but this is a poem for/about my dear friend Renee

2009-02-05T16:09:00.003-06:00

Laughter rings out in the distance strong and true.
It continues indefinitely -
Echoing across the wind,
The music carries without fading;
It is far-reaching as it travels
And penetrates ears to infect hearts with joy.

The joy is enduring and rich.
The source is surprising - a girl
Standing tall and thin, she does not hear the melody she sings.
Her sweet smile is somewhat sad and gives meaning
To the light in her eyes that mischeviously dances
With her soft, brown curls that get caught in the wind.

The cold wind wraps her flowing dress around her small frame.
It is as if she is frozen in time -
Waiting among the silent trees, speechless,
The deepest parts of her scream for warmth,
But sound is lost along the way
And what's left of her cry surfaces in hot tears.

The tears trace the lines of her face.
They are not in vain -
Carrying the silent screams of her heart,
They are warm rivers revealing a hidden source
Of heat that she does not see or understand,
But it slowly and steadfastly thaws her Spirit.

Her Spirit is learning what her laughter has always known.
She is free -
Trusting in the life-giving source in her soul,
She is not afraid, and boldly sings
The music from her heart she hopes to someday hear,
And she clings to this hope with faith.

This faith is unseen, but all around her.
It is slowly proving its presence -
Whispering Truth in her ear,
And softening her smile with its cool touch,
Her faith is not missing - it thrives.
After all, it is the wind that carries her laughter.

it's a new year's revolution.

2009-01-02T18:39:00.004-06:00

2009. It's gonna be fine!

Not fine as in, "Hey how are you?" "Oh..I'm fine."

But fine as in, "Oooh, that be fine!"

I was talking to a friend the other night about New Year's resolutions. Actually, I prefer to call them revolutions - more gets done, that way. Well, my friend so wisely reminded me that we should be making "revolutions" all the time; we should constantly be examining our lives to see what needs to change or improve, and then we should ask God to kindly help us in our daunting endeavor. But, we decided after some discussion that the New Year is a friendly and helpful marker to put a date on our goals, and to crack down on those bad habits.

So here they are...My New Year's Revolutions (in no particular order):
1. wake up early
2. work out at least 3 times a week
3. do something active once a day
4. memorize more scripture
5. run a 1/2 marathon
6. think on Jesus more
7. cook at home more
8. write more
9. read more
10. be quiet more

I keep them vague, not to avoid actually accomplishing them, but because revolutions build. Revolutions rarely start out fully defined at the beginning, rather, they begin with some sort of unrest. Then this unrest is pinpointed and developed into seeking out a solution, and this solution turns into a revolution. I guarantee you the Revolutionary war didn't begin because of just one cause - unrest developed into a list of reasons for the revolt, and then revolution ensued.

My revolutions are a result of retrospect, into the year 2008. By looking at this list, you get a sort of antithesis to what 2008 looked like for me. I didn't get up early, I didn't cook at home, and so on. These are broad categories, but in my reflectiveness on where I saw failure in 2008, I see this list as a moving upward and onward into 2009.

I have come to sum up 2008 for myself using two words: independence and selfishness. I definitely grew up last year - I feel like I learned more about what it means to be an adult, have a job, make some money, spend too much money, save money, take care of myself, not rely on other people, and just make all my decisions for myself. I had a lot of freedom, and out of that freedom grew independence. But out of that independence, selfishness reared its ugly head. I did what I wanted when I wanted, and I not only didn't think I needed other people and their help, but I didn't want it. There was no surrender to others or to the Lord, because it was mine - this life was for me.

Looking back, I see how my independence brought me confidence and a strong sense of identity, but it also brought me a lot of disregard for things that didn't concern me. I'm relearning this balance.

Sometimes I think I have to tip the scales in order to learn how to keep them even. My words for 2009: discipline and grace. It seems selfishness drives out necessary discipline, and independence has the ability to scare away grace. I never want to get to the point where I am more important than the life and training He has called me to, and I never want to be so assured that my competence might be better than His grace.

So I'm packing my independent bags and reaching for the thought that maybe I need someone, someday at least. And I'm going to start the slow process of killing off selfishness - this will be harder than it seems, I'm afraid. And I'm going to start whispering the stern words of discipline and the kind comforts of grace, and maybe, just maybe.....a revolution will break out.

go green.

2008-12-22T21:31:00.001-06:00

Don't worry, this isn't environmental hype, although I do believe in taking care of our environment - the habitat God has given us to be good stewards of. These are just my recent thoughts on recycling...ourselves, not trash.

I find myself daily wanting new things when old ones break. My computer has been slow lately due to the lack of space on it, and my mind has been fixated on only one thought - how fast can I figure out how to get a new computer. I don't even consider the idea of clearing out memory, or investing in an external hard drive. I want the easiest fix, even if it's more expensive.

I think my mind may work that way spiritually. I find something wrong with me, and I want the Lord to rip it out of me and replace it with a brand new part. I want the quick fix that removes the virus and programs the latest edition software that is working at optimum speed. I'm not interested in taking the time to meticulously take something apart, find the problem, and slowly rebuild while accounting for the weak area.

God reprogrammed us once - when we gave ourselves to Him. He makes us new when we believe in Him and replaces the old. From that point on we "work out our salvation with fear and trembling" with Him (Philippians 2:12). To continue with the computer analogy, He doesn't keep giving us new hard drives...He already equipped us with a brand new one that is fully-empowered and very specific to us. So when we run across kinks later, He doesn't ditch what He's given us, He works with us to perfect what is there. He gave me new life, so when I "break" it, He doesn't throw out the life He gave me, He painstakingly picks up the pieces, putting them back together - reformatting me so that I "work" again.

All this to say, it matters when I let viruses in...it matters when I sin. There are consequences. This new body and soul that He gave me when I accepted Him are not invincible to the troubles of this world - to Satan and sin. Sin and its consequences will put dents into my new frame, and may even penetrate and try to reprogram me. And sometimes, it will succeed.

But the Lord is faithful. I have to be patient and realize that God is not going to throw me out every time a virus invades, or I let down my firewall (now I'm just being way too nerdy). God is going to take me apart, piece by piece, help me find where the damage was done, and then slowly put me back together in a different order to counteract that damage.

My experiences, dings, and dents don't disappear, then. God doesn't wipe them away. He uses them to create new software that is more developped - wiser, maybe. New programs are created that are not susceptible to as much, and they are created around the damages, and even in spite of them.

I just have to be patient. But it's worth it, I think...well, I hope, and I believe. It just takes time.

I've already been recreated once, and that was enough. Now that I'm recreated, I just need to be refined. Refinement is harder, and it hurts more, but I think God will show me in time that it's worth it.

Malachi 3:3 "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."

growing down.

2008-12-18T16:15:00.000-06:00

This is the first post under the new title of the blog - "rooted." Previously, "wanderings," I have been thinking a lot lately about growth (see previous post). As an adventure seeker and romantic, I tend to wander a lot - in my heart, my mind, my decisions, my hobbies. I end up covering a lot of ground, but there is constant unrest in my soul if I'm not careful.

God is teaching me some things lately. I don't think it's bad to wander...for a time. We need experiences to learn. We need new settings to attempt new things. We need change to develop. C.S. Lewis describes this phenomenon as "finding your face." He illustrates it in his fictional story, Til We Have Faces. His idea is that we aren't who we are until we have "found our face" - until we find and know our identity. Then we can live as we were meant to live, and be the person we were meant to be.

I believe that finding face means finding a spot to grow - not a physical spot, necessarily, but a place in Christ. We are, after all, made in His image. We are His body. What part am I, then? What part are you? That is the place to find. And in that place do we begin growth. We're not growing up, however, we're growing down. Roots.

After finding our place in the body of Christ, I believe we then dig in for the long haul, and begin the slow process of penetrating the soil and reaching downward and outward. Downward, of course, into the depths of Christ. Outward, then, is reaching for the other plants or believers planted firmly in Christ alongside you. This process continues until we cannot be moved by any outside force, and until we have connected and intertwined with the believers around us.

My initial thought is of horror. Firmly planted? I can't do that...my heart will burst. I have a friend who says all the time that she goes where the wind blows. I relate completely. My heart cries freedom, and I envy the herds of wild horses that run free and passionate, and move at will. But who created me? Who made me free-spirited and passionate and on fire? The Lord, of course - the one in whom I am now firmly planted, or beginning to plant myself would be a more accurate discription. He knows my heart and soul; He created them. He made me the way I am. When I "find my face," I am not really finding anything new, I am merely realizing how He has already made me, and where my place is in His body, in His plan.

I'm beginning to see that if I will firmly plant myself in Him, and dig my roots in deep, then when He moves, I'll move with Him...I won't be left behind because my roots will hold me fast.

I'm tired of wandering, but I'm not tired of adventure. I am ready, though, to relinquish my wanderlust for the desire to grow deep in Christ. I'm ready for Him to take me where He goes. I have a feeling His adventures are better than the ones I've dreamed up.

to grow.

2008-12-07T18:33:00.001-06:00

I've been quite nostalgic recently. Maybe it's because I'm getting ready to graduate in 6 months, maybe it's the change in weather, or maybe it's because I'd rather reminisce than study for finals.

I haven't written in a while...been busy thinking. I do that a lot. My thoughts have been disjointed at best, but they've been there nonetheless - whirling and twirling like a tornado, ripping a pathway through my mind, grabbing from where it will, and leaving nothing but dust.

It took my first three years of college to "grow up" and really figure out who I am in the Lord. Now that I'm here, I'm getting ready to have to leave...to make more changes. So what happens now? More growing up? Or maybe just growing better.

As children we have growing pains. Growing hurts - physically, emotionally, sometimes spiritually. Especially as children when we are growing so much. As we age, however, the growing process lessens its intensity and becomes more gradual. Instead of adding a couple inches a year, maybe just a single wrinkle forms on the face. It's less painful, but better...we've learned how to grow, and it's a natural process that we are accustomed to, rather than just beginning to figure it out.

We resist this process of growing up all our lives, until we figure out how it works. We don't want to be old or taller until we realize that everyone grows old and taller...and until we see our friends growing old or taller. Then we're ready. We don't want to be the last ones to reach the monkey bars on the playground.

Change is one of my favorite things, now. It's why fall is my favorite season...the leaves die, shedding all the old growth off of the trees, the trees rough it out during the winter months, braving the cold wind in preparation for new growth - for beautiful change. And that change brings life. The wonderful process starts with losing leaves, though...a step that seems to take a step backward.

Growing is beautiful. To grow and change is hard and wonderful and necessary. To grow is to die and be reborn, over and over. To grow is to redeem and be redeemed. If that's the case, I can't wait to grow and keep growing, to change and keep changing, in order to retain life.

what i'm thinking about right now.

2008-11-04T08:03:00.001-06:00

You Make the Trenches - C.H. Spurgeon

"And he said, Thus saith the LORD, Make this valley full of ditches. For thus saith the LORD, Ye shall not see wind, neither shall ye see rain; yet that valley shall be filled with water, that ye may drink both ye, and your cattle, and your beasts" (2 Kings 3:16-17).

Three armies were perishing of thirst, and the LORD interposed. Although He sent neither cloud nor rain, yet He supplied an abundance of water. He is not dependent upon ordinary methods but can surprise His people with novelties of wisdom and power. Thus are we made to see more of God than ordinary processes could have revealed. Although the LORD may not appear for us in the way we expect, or desire, or suppose, yet He will in some way or other provide for us. It is a great blessing for us to be raised above looking to secondary causes so that we may gaze into the face of the great First Cause. Have we this day grace enough to make trenches into which the divine blessing may flow? Alas! We too often fail in the exhibition of true and practical faith. Let us this day be on the outlook for answers to prayer. As the child who went to a meeting to pray for rain took an umbrella with her, so let us truly and practically expect the LORD to bless us. Let us make the valley full of ditches and expect to see them."

purple ears.

2008-10-15T23:26:00.000-05:00

After a month of living with sore ears, I finally made my way to the urgent care clinic for the SECOND time this month. The doctor came in, grinning from ear to ear (no pun intended). One look in my left ear, and he said, "That looks like it hurts!"

Later that day, I went to a specialist at the Ear, Nose, and Throat center.
My left ear was the healthy one.

Twenty dollars later, my right ear was ready to go, stained purple from the medicine she put in.

We are all limited in our perceptions. The first doctor didn't have the knowledge to diagnose my problem. He knew what he needed to know; he listened to my symptoms and prescribed me medication accordingly. But he did not have the specialty to investigate my ear closely and see exactly what was wrong. He was going to get rid of the symptoms. The second doctor I saw wanted to get rid of the problem.

Many of us perceive "symptoms" well. Symptoms are the visible and/or perceivable aspects of our lives. I mean, some people don't perceive anything, but usually symptoms are easy to see.

It's always hard to see what's creating the symptoms - what's making us do the things we do, and be the things we are. It takes someone who's been there. It takes someone who is an expert in that area. Those are hard to find.

Until then, I'm going to try to keep my perceptions to a minimum. I think it's healthy to be observant. We need to know what's going on around us. I also think it's good to make perceptions, if you happen to be perceptive (which I am). But I think we should be careful to subscribe a prescription based on a perception of a symptom, rather than a knowledge of the problem.

God is really the only one who can identify the problem. Sometimes he shows us the problems, but most of the time we're left to unravel symptoms. All we have is what we see and perceive in light of what we know to be true. We have to trust God to guide us in our decisions we make based off of the perceptions and conclusions that we draw.

Until He shows us, I think we should leave the diagnosing up to Him and avoid putting purple dye in the wrong ear.

i'm not good at playing clarinet.

2008-09-08T21:43:00.000-05:00

I've been listening to a sermon series on Jonah (Beau Hughes - Village Church). It is so good. Two down, two to go, and I can barely make myself wait to listen to the next one so that the previous one can really sink in.

My senior year of high school, I decided that Jonah was my favorite book in the Bible...I said it was because I could relate to his rebellious nature. It's still my favorite book, I think, but not for the same reason. My prior reason was very self-focused; I liked reading the book because I could relate. Now I like the book because of how I see the character of God, and the message of the Gospel.

It is so good.

Jonah, when you strip everything down, is all about sin and grace. People sin. God shows mercy and grace. Every time. Even if you're the people of Ninevah - historically speaking, some of the worst and immoral people of their time, even in non-Jewish eyes. And even if you're Jonah, and you know better, and still sin.

Not only did Jonah know better, but he was a renowned prophet. Renowned. That means he had a history of hearing Truth from the Lord, speaking that Truth to people, and then watching it come true...time and time again. This is the guy that ran away from God.

A couple of things that I've learned:

1. There will always be a ship to Tarshish.

Jonah knew what was right; he knew he had to go and warn the people of Ninevah. But that was hard. The people of Ninevah were cruel and might hurt him. And there was an easy and ready way out - the ship to Tarshish. What is my ship to Tarshish? It may look a little different every time, but as well as you know yourself, Satan knows you better...and he will recognize patterns of weakness in your life, and send a ship your way. I need to know that ship when I see it, and run from it. I don't want to be standing on the dock when it shows up.

2. His grace is the only important thing...ever.

This is a little harder for me to explain. I'll start with a word-picture that Beau Hughes used in his sermon and expand upon it a little. Picture an orchestra - a world-class orchestra with every instrument imaginable. And the conductor knows what he's doing...he's been doing it for years. In fact, he put together this orchestra from the beginning, and he knows exactly who is in it. He knows how well they play - individually and together. He knows their strengths and weaknesses and has organized them accordingly. He is good at directing his orchestra, and he has the full piece of music in front of him. He doesn't even have to look at it; he knows it so well.

Sometimes members of the orchestra make mistakes; that happens. Nobody plays perfectly every time. But they try every time. And the conductor directs them knowing that they make mistakes sometimes...like I said before, he knows their weaknesses. He knows that when it's time for the strings to come in, he has to emphasize that point or else they'll miss their cue. He knows that the trumpets tend to get carried away if he doesn't warn them before they need to cut off. Sometimes the clarinets get distracted by the deep sounds of the bassoons, but the conductor knows this and asks the bassoons to lower their sound, and sometimes moves the clarinets to another section.

The conductor knows everything. He knows, and he works out the music despite the problems, using each section's strengths and abilities. He doesn't expect perfection.

He does, however, expect everyone to follow the music that he has composed. When the saxophone strays from the music and starts off on a solo that wasn't scripted, the conductor is not happy. Here, the conductor must take action. You see, the saxophone is trying to be the conductor - trying to write in his own part. But the saxophone is just a saxophone, and not the conductor. He must either go back to playing his part and reading the music the conductor has written, or leave the orchestra. There can only be one conductor.

God is the same way...He doesn't expect us to be perfect. In fact, He knew we would never be perfect, and so sent Jesus as propitiation for our sins. He does look at our hearts, however, and if we're not following His way, trying to read His music, He must take action.

Jonah stopped playing the right song. He ran to the ship to Tarshish, and started belting out a solo - one that would be the biggest mistake of his life. He tried to rewrite the music.

Why did he try to rewrite the music? This is the key part.

Jonah 2:4 says, "...That is why I was so quick to flee to Tarshish. I knew that you are a gracious and compassionate God, slow to anger and abounding in love, a God who relents from sending calamity. "

Jonah started writing his own music because he knew that God was gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love. Jonah wanted judgement. God always desires mercy. Always. And God has been and is so faithful to show mercy and grace, that Jonah refused to obey God, knowing that God would come through and show the wickedest people of his time love and grace.

What a beautiful realization and understanding of our God. I may not always hit every note, but He knows....and He helps me along. He gives me that extra cue, and moves me to a section where I can only see Him. And if I start to get a little arrogant, and bust out into my own solo, He'll stop the music and draw my eyes back to Him, back to the music that He has written.

"I know that you are a gracious and compassionate God, slow to anger and abounding in love, a God who relents from sending calamity."

I'm not very good at playing clarinet. Oh but He knows.

likeness.

2008-08-30T00:01:00.001-05:00

"He is nothing like us, but we are a little like Him - and we can grow in that likeness every day by His mercy alone."

My former roommate and dear friend Abby Perry said this in her latest post, and I don't think I can say it any better. I am so glad that He is nothing like us. And I am experiencing so much joy in the fact that He has made us a little like Him, and that He wants to bring us to His side in the end.

Every day, in that light, is being saved by an incredible Redeemer who wants to redeem us to be like Him in this world. He lets us be like Him.

What a privilege. What a joy.

i have a beach ball in my room.

2008-08-25T15:58:00.001-05:00

I cleaned out my room this weekend in preparation for the new school year. It was great. I donated a bunch of stuff to good will...gone with the old, on with the new.

I love new beginnings.

I love that Jesus always seems to give them to us.

I have a beach ball in my room.

During my cleaning escapades, I found a sad, deflated, never-been-used beach ball. I had one of my friends blow it up just for fun - one of those whims that I get sometimes.

I think I'm going to leave it inflated. It adds some color and life to my room, and reminds me of summer. It makes me smile and think about playing, and joy, and happiness.

In a previous post I talked about shedding my "summer skin" and moving on - the old is gone, the new has come. But just because that summer skin is gone, and everything that was with it, doesn't mean that it was never there in the first place. Things don't disappear around here; God is not a magician. Things are renewed, restored, remade, redeemed....He is a Redeemer.

My beach ball reminds me of that - that my "summer" has been redeemed. It hasn't been erased, it hasn't been forgotten. It has been reborn...and the things that lacked joy, have it now in a new form.

The things behind me are still there, but they have been redeemed and recreated into memorials, memories, and hopes. And now they make me smile.

See what He has done for you. Go get yourself a beach ball :).

love.liberty.disco.

2008-08-05T19:17:00.001-05:00

love.

I've been thinking a lot about God for the past year or so....about who He is, how we interact with Him, how we see Him, and how He sees us. These thoughts were spurred on by watching people around me, and seeing how so many people live life so differently. In particular, how so many Christians live and enact their faith differently day-to-day.

I love hearing people talk about how they see God, because they often see Him differently than I do....everyone has a unique perspective. Everyone I meet seems to love Him in a new way that I haven't seen before. It's like my brother and I - we both love our parents, but we show them in different ways, and we live out our relationships with them differently. I don't know what Ben would do if he was confined to showing love by grocery shopping with my Mom, and by cooking with my Dad.

Ben and I are in the same family, but our identities and roles in that family are different, and look different. We would never expect them to look the same, and to ask us to do that would be unreasonable and unrealistic.

liberty.

In expressing our love differently for one another, we experience freedom. I am at liberty to love my family in the ways I do it best. I am at liberty to be myself within my family, and not try to be my brother, or anyone else, for that matter.

This does not mean that I should not sacrifice; freedom does not mean no limitations. The beauty of being at liberty to love is that it's a choice. My expression of that love is not limited by others or myself.

I am required to love; I have freedom in how I do it.

disco.

Love has variations, I have liberty in experiencing and expressing that love, and God is like a disco ball.

This is only metaphorically speaking, and this is just the way that my mind has tried to grasp a God that no one can explain, and few understand. In my feeble attempts to understand God, the best way that I can verbalize my thoughts is by describing a disco ball.

A disco ball is the same material all the way through in that it doesn't change. The material that it is made of is consistent. A disco ball is a disco ball is a disco ball. Just like God is God is God, and He never changes.

A disco ball also has many "faces." God has many characteristics. Loving, just, merciful, righteous anger, omnitience, sovereign, gracious, etc. The disco ball shows all of its faces all of the time. God, in the same way, exemplifies all of His characteristics all of the time. There is never a time when He is not something that He is. As humans, we are limited, and often love sometimes, show anger sometimes, mercy other times, etc. God, when He is loving me, is hating sin and the devil. When He showed mercy to us as sinners, He poured out His wrath and justice on Jesus at the cross. God is always everything that He is. He cannot not be God.

When I stand in front of a disco ball, I am limited in my vision, and can only see some of the faces directly on the disco ball. But I CAN see the effect that all of the faces of the disco ball have on the room (all the colors and spots, etc.). You may be standing on the other side of the room, and seeing different faces on the disco ball, but you see the effect on the room as well.

Everyone in the room will see different sides and faces of the disco ball, but we're not looking at different disco balls, just different aspects of it. Our different positions limit our vision and understanding. We all see it reflecting in the room, though, and then when we talk about our different sides that we see, we start to better understand how all the reflections are being made the way they are. We're sharing our pictures of the disco ball....or of God.

God's character allows for us to share our love at liberty, because He has so many different expressions of His character. His relationship to each of us is unique, so we should thrive in our variety of expressions of love.

Thrive in the liberty of love and disco :).

My Utmost for His Highest.

2008-08-05T12:28:00.001-05:00

this is one of my favorites. it's the daily devotional for today, august 5. it's too good not to read.
enjoy :)

The Bewildering Call of God
Oswald Chambers
’. . . and all things that are written by the prophets concerning the Son of Man will be accomplished.’ . . . But they understood none of these things . . . —Luke 18:31, 34

God called Jesus Christ to what seemed absolute disaster. And Jesus Christ called His disciples to see Him put to death, leading every one of them to the place where their hearts were broken. His life was an absolute failure from every standpoint except God’s. But what seemed to be failure from man’s standpoint was a triumph from God’s standpoint, because God’s purpose is never the same as man’s purpose.

This bewildering call of God comes into our lives as well. The call of God can never be understood absolutely or explained externally; it is a call that can only be perceived and understood internally by our true inner-nature. The call of God is like the call of the sea— no one hears it except the person who has the nature of the sea in him. What God calls us to cannot be definitely stated, because His call is simply to be His friend to accomplish His own purposes. Our real test is in truly believing that God knows what He desires. The things that happen do not happen by chance— they happen entirely by the decree of God. God is sovereignly working out His own purposes.

If we are in fellowship and oneness with God and recognize that He is taking us into His purposes, then we will no longer strive to find out what His purposes are. As we grow in the Christian life, it becomes simpler to us, because we are less inclined to say, "I wonder why God allowed this or that?" And we begin to see that the compelling purpose of God lies behind everything in life, and that God is divinely shaping us into oneness with that purpose. A Christian is someone who trusts in the knowledge and the wisdom of God, not in his own abilities. If we have a purpose of our own, it destroys the simplicity and the calm, relaxed pace which should be characteristic of the children of God.

summer skin.

2008-08-03T19:23:00.001-05:00

Summer Skin (Death Cab for Cutie)

"Squeaky swings and tall grass

The longest shadows ever cast

The water's warm and children swim

And we frolicked about in our summer skin"

This summer has been different. I've been in College Station working and taking 15 hours of summer school. It's been fun, though. I've loved being with a lot of my friends who are from here, and have enjoyed my roommates as well as building new friendships and deepening others.

Spontaneity has been the theme. Unpredictability, as well. Six months ago I would have never dreamed of calling Renee-nee one of my best friends :). And yet, now, I am so confident that she and I will live life together for a long time. And in a way, Mrs. Abby Perry replaced my previous friend that I had in Abby Anderson. Again, I never dreamed of having deeper prayer times with someone who shares my heart, passions, and even thoughts on life, and love, and Jesus.

Summer '08 has kept me on my toes. Spending an entire night in the ER with a friend I barely knew who busted his head open. We know each other now. Training for and running/biking a Duathlon. A huge challenge and hurdle for me. I can't wait for more. A new job doing graphic design.....my dream. This summer has been different, but good.

"I don't recall a single care

Just greenery and humid air

Then Labor day came and went

And we shed what was left of our summer skin"

Labor day hasn't come and gone yet, but it's ending. Summer, that is.

Last night I was privileged to attend a John Mayer concert. First of two concerts this summer, and it was fantastic. Spectacular. I feel almost as though many of his lyrics spoke to my memories as well as my hope for the future.

"just keep me where the light is."

"And you can't build a house of leaves

And live like it's an evergreen

It's just a season thing

It's just this thing that seasons do

And that's the way this wheel keeps working now

That's the way this wheel keeps working now

And you won't be the first

No you won't be the first

To love me"

"Good love is on the way/I've been lonely but I know, I'll be ok/Good love is on the way"

"Why is it not my time?/What is there more to learn?/Shed this skin I've been tripping in/Never to quite return"

There were more, but I'm trying to be brief. Dave Matthews is August 15, and I can't wait.

I realized last night at the concert, that Jesus can be found everywhere. Even there. Even in a stadium with shirtless John Mayer standing up on stage, singing his heart out about the love and life that's in his heart, not realizing the Truth in his words.

I'll be looking for Jesus at Dave Matthews too. We should look for Jesus everywhere.

"On the night you left I came over

And we peeled the freckles from our shoulders

Our brand new coats so flushed and pink

And I knew your heart I couldn't win

Cause the seasons change was a conduit

And we left our love in our summer skin"

The beauty of shedding summer skin, is that everything underneath goes with it. The summer is gone and past, and so is everything that came before it. "The seasons change was a conduit."

I'm ready for new. Goodbye summer skin.

weak victories.

2008-07-28T23:31:00.000-05:00

Praise the Lord for weak victories. You know the ones I'm talking about, even if you don't call them by name. They are triumphs that you had no control of.

It's like in high school when your parents wouldn't let you go to that party, but you wanted to go so badly. Then Monday rolls around and you hear about the cops busting it. You sigh in relief that you weren't there, and decide that you had never really wanted to go anyways. That's a weak victory. Of course you would have gone.

God does the same thing. He knows when we're not strong, and so He helps us by changing circumstances a little. We may be peeved for a little while, but hindsight cures us of our resentment. It's the weak victory that I'm thankful for, because it's the weak victory that makes me realize God is more in control than I think He is.

"In my weakness, He is strong."

Mr. Manning

2008-07-28T12:30:00.000-05:00

God will bring good out of evil - even a greater good than if there had been no evil - and the trial will have been an immense good for us. (BM)

The prophet Jeremiah is a striking example of the biblical paradox that surrender means victory, that in losing our life we find it. (BM)

These two quotes come from Brennan Manning's book, The Relentless Tenderness of Jesus. Mmm....just the title causes the corners of my mouth to uncontrollably turn up in a smile. These are hard truths. I'm living and learning them.

I'm listening to the song Two Step, by Dave Matthews right now. The lyrics contrast with these quotes, and yet they seem to coincide. I've been thinking about these song lyrics now for a while.....waiting for some inspiring thought to string together in my mind and form a revelation of some sort that will end up here for you to see. Still waiting....

Two Step
Say, my love, I came to you
With best intentions
You laid down and gave to me just what
Im seeking
Love, you drive me to distraction

Hey my love do you believe that we
Might last a thousand years
Or more if not for this?
Our flesh and blood it ties
You and me right up
Tie me down

Celebrate we will
Because life is short but sweet for certain
Were climbing two by two
To be sure these days continue,
These things we cannot change

Hey, my love, you came to me like
Wine comes to this mouth
Grown tired of water all the time
You quench my heart and you
Quench my mind

Celebrate we will
Because life is short but sweet for certain
Were climbing two by two
To be sure these days continue,
The things we cannot

...Things we cannot change

The City of Lost Girls.

2008-07-23T10:14:00.000-05:00

I just recently found out about this injustice in Juarez, Mexico, right across the border from El Paso. I just can't stop thinking about how nothing has been done to stop the killings, and how it's right across our border.

I don't know how to help right now except to pray.
So please pray.

Here is a link to a documentary about the situation:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=lgfALPVnAew

2 thoughts...not my own.

2008-07-15T16:14:00.001-05:00

1. You have to know how to accept rejection and reject acceptance. (Ray Bradbury)

2. Never look for justice in this world, but never cease to give it. (Oswald Chambers)

I'm wrestling with these right now.
I'm mainly reconciling the idea that it's good to make a good impression and be well-liked, with the idea that my principles and beliefs should stand firm no matter what. There is also the factor of being sensitive to others to consider.
I'm also dwelling on the fact that I currently reside in a society that is unjust, and yet my life is held to a higher standard, and I must operate justly within the confines of an unjust system.

Dreams.

2008-07-14T23:08:00.000-05:00

A quote from one of my favorite bands says this:

"Don't lose the dreams inside your head, they'll only be there til you're dead, dream..."
(Dave Matthews Band)

I've been thinking a lot about dreams lately - the ones I have for my life, the ones other people have for me, and the ones I know God has planned. I'm learning that as I grow up and mature, all of these dreams begin to resonate with one another, and I begin to find direction. It doesn't matter that I don't know where I'm going to end up, at least I have some sort of way to turn and follow (Isaiah 30:21 says, "Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, 'This is the Way; walk in it.'").

I firmly believe in purpose. Humans have all sorts of purposes in their lives. To me, purpose seems to compliment identity. My purpose as a daughter is to honor my parents. My purpose as a sister is to love my brother. My purpose as a roommate is to live in community and be a caretaker of my house. My purpose as a student is to study and learn to the best of my ability to obtain a degree. My purpose as an Aggie is to represent A&M and carry on the tradition. And the list could go on and on.

My purpose as a Christian is to know God and make Him known. Funny how our most important purpose seems the most ambiguous and hard to define. I'm learning that the point of our seemingly mysterious purpose is to focus on the purpose-Giver rather than the purpose itself. However, that purpose is important as well, because it is the Way we walk (see Isaiah 30:21 again. God whispers direction, but we walk in it.).

I'm watching people all around me drop their dreams (or purpose) for opportunities or blessings along the way. At first this seems legitimate; after all, isn't a good thing, a good thing? But what about your dreams? What about the things you hold in your heart, and maybe don't let anyone else see? The things that your body aches to see come to pass?

I'm learning that my age-old method of seeing one door close and waiting for a window to open may not be the right way. Dreams tend to unfold rather than open and close, so you only see part of it for a while. Sometimes I think it is good to close an open door in front of you to keep waiting for that other door that your heart tells you will open eventually.

Sometimes it is good to say no to what is in front of you, so that you can say yes to something later. Something better, maybe.

God is teaching me to let go of what's around me, search my heart for the dreams He has given me, and to cling to His promise of fulfilling His purpose for me. There are certain dreams I have that I know could have only come from Him, and He's teaching me to treasure them in my heart because they're from Him. And if I keep looking at Him, He'll either bring them to pass, or give me new dreams.

I'm just looking at Jesus, holding onto my dreams, and praying that He makes them His.

Disenchanted

2008-07-08T10:02:00.001-05:00

I haven't written in so long. I feel like I have a million disconnected thoughts running around in my brain, trying to form some pattern or semblance of a logical thought process. It's not that I haven't tried to write, because I have. I've sat in front of a blank computer screen with all of these ideas screaming at me, yet so incapable of creating the message that I'm feeling.

My writing progress seems to match my life right now. I can't really describe it, except that I feel like God has picked me up from one place in my life, and instead of being set down in a new place, I'm dangling in the air like one of those stuffed animals caught in the arm of a broken arcade. Don't get me wrong, it's exhilerating not knowing when I'm going to drop and be hurtled down to the collection slot; I can't wait to drop out and be taken by the next good thing that comes my way. At the same time it's hard to just sit up here, legs dangling.

The strange thing is, I'm not even holding on. My grip is loosened, and I'm at the whim and pleasure of a God that won't let me go until He's ready. Psalm 115:3 says, "Our God is in His heaven, He does whatever pleases Him." I've recited that verse a lot lately.

Another strange phenomenon is that I don't feel purposeless. In fact, I feel more purposed and satisfied now than ever before in my life. I feel disenchanted, in a way, to life and the things of this world, and my greatest awareness is Him, holding me up until He's ready to set me down in the place He wants for me.

That's one thing I've learned while dangling - that everything is nothing, and nothing is everything. He is all I need. The stuffed animals in the arcade machine have their friends while they're still in the machine, and they have a great kid to play with once their out, but while they're in the arm, they have nothing but the cold, plastic or metal arm. Okay, now I'm just being way too dramatic.

The difference here, is that I still technically have the things and people around me, I just don't see them as much. Or maybe I'm beginning to see them for what and who they really are - representations of another life, pictures of something bigger, and a taste of what's to come. Their purpose is to point us to Him, however, and never to replace Him.

To begin another metaphor, I feel as though I've left the dead of Winter, Spring has arrived and the seed in the ground is sprouting. But it hasn't broken through, yet. I do not know what will grow. All I have is hope.

On another level, we are all dangling in the arms of Jesus. We have been picked up out of the pit of sin and despair, and He is holding us until He can set us before His throne in Heaven. We can kick and scream and fight it, and maybe even fall back into the pit for a while, but He's going to pick us up again, and we'll be limp in His arms once again.

Maybe if we see this, we'll stop living like this life is the end, and we'll start living like it's only the beginning - full of hope. I long for my eyes to only see Jesus.

"Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." 1 Corinthians 13:12

Better is One Day

2008-01-21T16:30:00.001-06:00

This weekend I went to World Mandate - a conference at Antioch Community Church in Waco. None of that really matters for the rest of this note, but that's the setting behind what follows.

During one of the worship times, we sang the song "Better is One Day." I'll post some of the lyrics below.

"Better is one day in Your courts
Better is one day in Your house
Better is one day in Your courts
Than thousands elsewhere."

Simple lyrics, but as I was singing, I wondered if I could really sing it truthfully. "Better is one day in Your courts than thousands elsewhere." That's a pretty big Truth to claim. I started thinking about what that really means if I sing it truthfully.

It means that my lifetime means nothing to me in comparison to one day in His courts. It means that my heart is satisfied here, but longs for His house more. It means that given the opportunity, I would leave my place here in an instant to be by His side. That's hard to believe!

I stopped singing, and I prayed for my heart to line up with this statement. I just want to challenge you to do the same. Imagine a people who longed for Him so much that one day with Him was truly better than a thousand here on earth. How passionate and focused we would be on eternity and His throne!

My prayer is that we believe that one day in His courts IS better than thousands elsewhere. He is always better.

Satan's Sieve

2007-12-19T22:50:00.001-06:00

Consider the Lord. He is all-knowing. He is omni-present. He is sovereign and all-powerful. He is good. He has good plans for our lives (Jeremiah 29:11-13).

Consider man. He knows nothing that he has not seen or heard apart from the Lord. He is fleeting. He is weak and powerless without Christ. He is easily deceived. He does not know of the Lord's plans except by faith.

Consider Satan. He knows a lot. He was second-in-command to God when he fell. He is deceitful and very powerful - he currently rules the earthly realms. He is evil. He also has plans for our lives.

These are the players, but what is the stage? Earth. And another realm so easily forgotten about - the Heavens. An inaccurate but simple illustration puts this "play" in better light - Satan and God are playing chess and we are the pieces. Both sides have strategies, and both sides are trying to take pieces from the "other team." I think we realize this about God, but quickly forget that Satan is also a strategizer and schemer.

Before we dive into the plot, let's examine a brief history of the players - maybe we can get an idea of the script. Throughout the Bible, Satan has tormented, seduced, beguiled, and frustrated the efforts of man to know God. And man, in accordance with his nature, has fallen many times into the hands of the great deceiver. However, God is sovereign, and although Satan is very powerful, he must have God's permission to reign on earth and act against believers (Revelation 20 talks about the Lord ending Satan's rule at the appropriate time).

Example: Job.
In Job 1, Satan comes before God from roaming through the earth. God asks him if he has seen his upright man of faith - Job. Satan taunts God, saying that if Job was cursed rather than blessed, he would turn around and curse God. God sends Satan away from his throne with the rights to everything that Job possesses. Read that again. God sends Satan away from his throne with the rights to everything that Job possesses. God gave Satan the authority to put Job through trials - to devastate his life. But God in His omnitience knew that Job would withstand the test and prove faithful.

Example: Peter.
In Luke 22, we see another example of Satan gaining the Lord's permission to touch one of His believers. Luke 22:31-34 says, "Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers. But he replied, Lord, I am ready to go with you to prison and to death. Jesus answered, I tell you, Peter, before the rooster crows today, you will deny three times that you know me." Satan asks Jesus to sift Simon as wheat, and Jesus allows it, saying He will pray for Simon Peter. He allows it, and here's a key difference from Job. He allows it, knowing that Simon is going to fall, knowing that he is going to deny Him three times. And Jesus tells him to strengthen his brothers when he turns back (from his fall).

As I was reading about this and realizing these things in my Beth Moore Bible study, I was shocked and comforted at the same time. Shocked to see that Jesus handed Peter over to Satan's wiles knowing that he would fall. Comforted that God uses even the devil to work all things out for good.

Not only did Jesus know that Peter would fall, but He also knew the results of failing in our lives that would follow - shame, regret, pain, sorrow. Jesus knew that Peter would sin when the devil came and tempted him. That blows me away. Why would Jesus give the devil any room in Peter's life if he knew that he would sin?

Matthew 16:18 says, "And I tell you that you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of Hades will not overcome it." When sifting of wheat occurs, the impurities are separated from the pure seeds. The wheat is refined so that it can go on and become flour. Peter needed to be refined; Jesus needed him to become the rock of the church.

Our first choice would naturally be to imitate Job - to prove ourselves faithful to the Lord before the devil and to help win a battle being fought in the spiritual realms. So we strive for that. However, when we do fall into the devil's snares, and sin one or two or multiple times (Peter denied Christ three times which could be labeled as a "pattern of sin"), it is wonderful to know that Christ is praying for us, and that maybe He is allowing Satan to "sift" impurities out of us. Some lessons must be learned the hard way (think about understanding God's grace without having first failed).

And when we turn back (not if, when), Christ calls us to strengthen our brothers - to encourage and spur on the Church. Even the devil's schemes are not outside of His purposes. We are in a play where the end has already been determined; it is up to us how we read the script.

Christ wants us to be Jobs and Peters. Our lives influence the spiritual realms. We just need to realize it.

LOVE WINS part deux

2007-11-21T23:01:00.002-06:00

"Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds." William Shakespeare

Love wins. Everyday. Always. I know why it wins - the blood on the cross. But how? Practically speaking, in my life today and everyday, how does love win?

To answer this question, I quote William Shakespeare - certainly not the theological mastermind, however we cannot deny it when Truth is spoken, and he speaks it quite well in the following sonnet.

Sonnet 116
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

I've been struggling with explanation, when all I had to do was turn to Shakespeare's eloquent ideas on the topic. "Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds." So succintly yet poignantly stated. A love that changes in regard to the various objects of that love, is no love at all. Period.

So go live a love that doesn't change.

While I was brainstorming the practical applications of love "winning" in our lives on a day to day basis, I was hoping (as all writers do at one point in time or the other) to come up with a magical and thorough list of ways to love with a selfless and sacrificial lifestyle. I am learning, however, that there is no list. My love manifests itself very differently from yours, as does yours from your neighbor's. The only constant among all of our "loves" is that it is like Christ's; all of our love must transcend this world, be motivated by Christ, and have no desire to gratify ourselves.

So let us be centered on Christ and love in all the ways that He has gifted us. I can't necessarily tell you how, and you can't necessarily tell me how. Just follow Jesus and love. Let us live a love that does not alter "when it alteration finds," and let us lose ourselves while doing it.

Brainstorming - love wins practically speaking

2007-11-14T11:07:00.001-06:00

“Christianity can be built around isolating ourselves from evildoers and sinners, creating a community of religious piety and moral purity. That’s the Christianity I grew up with. Christianity can also be built around joining with the broken sinners and evildoers of our world crying out to God, groaning for grace. That’s the Christianity I have fallen in love with.”

“There is a movement bubbling up that goes beyond cynicism and celebrates a new way of living, a generation that stops complaining about the church it sees and becomes the church it dreams of.”

"Charity wins awards and applause, but joining the poor gets you killed. People do not get crucified for charity. People are crucified for living out a love that disrupts the social order, that calls forth a new world. People are not crucified for helping poor people. People are crucified for joining them."

"Jesus is pointing the church to her true identity -- she is to live close to those who suffer."

*All quotes by Shane Claiborne.

I have been thinking a lot about the body of Christ and its function as the church in the world, and I'm still thinking. These quotes illustrate my brainstorming as I think about "Love wins" and continuing thoughts about how that is lived out practically in our lives.

Death or Life

2007-11-08T09:13:00.002-06:00

I choose life.
I choose to breathe in deeply every day of the Truth that is found in the Holy and the secular.
I choose to not walk in my flesh, but to have fire in my bones that is not satisfied with living "the ordinary" ordinarily.
I choose to believe that the ordinary things of life are mirrors of the extraordinary, and someday we shall see face to face.
I choose life because love is real and worth fighting for on my knees.